Don’t Let Your Past Steal Your Present…

So the other night when I couldn’t sleep all I could think of was how I could be writing a really awesome blog post with all my thoughts going on.

But, clearly, it was late and the lights were off and I was under the sheets praying I would doze off soon. Anyway, I got to thinking about some recent events that took place and how the old me would be shaking her head at me but the me now, I just laugh it off–and my friends even cheered for me as I lived through my own silly experiences (that’s what I call them anyway–to some they might be considered mistakes but, in my opinion, everything happens for a reason).

I myself couldn’t even believe what my present self was doing but I realized once my friends pointed it out that I was simply being me–simply being a 25-year-old–it was normal. I am living life with no regrets and on my own terms–doing what I want to and (trying) not to be too concerned with what others think. After all, I am an adult, right? Legally we are deemed an adult at 18 so yeah, that was 7 years ago.

Anyway… Where this thought process is coming from you might be wondering? Well, a few different things. It started with one thing that lead to another thing–quite a big thing, actually, to me–and how as a result I had my grown up epiphany. Sure, I had one a few years ago when I came to terms that everything happens for a reason but this time, the present me, could accept what was really happening for what it really was–and not what I wanted it to be.

It started out at a birthday party…

I knew my ex would be there. I didn’t think much of it other than he probably wouldn’t speak to me (as he hadn’t in the past on the rare occasion we were in a place with mutual friends). But even though I knew he’d be there and I assumed he knew I would be there, I wasn’t sure how either of us would act. I knew it was better to act polite and not say anything at all rather than accidentally say something that comes off as rude or something.

So I get to dinner and we’re sitting diagonally from each other. It was slightly awkward–mostly I think because I made it so–I avoided looking over that way, but as the night went on, I couldn’t help but think how silly this whole thing was. I kept thinking, really, it’s been OVER four years–we’re both adults now–I think the least we can do is be CIVIL. Right? Well, I let the dinner continue as it was, and then the “awkwardness” there was I let linger back to my cousin’s house where my ex and I Just stood on opposite sides of the room and didn’t speak. I would have spoken sooner but the truth is, I didn’t know what to say. I mean really, what do you say to someone, someone you used to be in love with and dated for 3 1/2 years after basically not speaking for over 4 years? I mean, really?

pastfuture

Anyway… We pregamed at my cousin’s house for a bit and finally made our way downtown to the bar. Still at the bar, my ex appeared to be stand-offish (but maybe that’s just the vibe I personally was getting) and being really quiet. Finally, I couldn’t handle it anymore–it was just too weird. So, I mustered up the courage and maturity to ask him, “Hey, how’s it going?” From there I thought the rest of the night went great.

Even after that, we hung out and caught up about our lives over the past couple of years and it was fine, it was great. I felt like a new leaf had truly turned as we were talking as just friends and like we didn’t have this dramatic past. Not that we both didn’t know it had actually happened but, in that moment, we were able to be mature about it and say it just didn’t work out but that we were both happy for each other now.

Of course after that, without going into too much detail here, I think we both came to realize that we probably can’t be friends. After all, we haven’t spoken to each other in over a week and the last time we talked I just got this bad vibe. I’m not really sure what exactly happened, but, despite the fact we may not talk again, I do feel better–I feel as I got some type of closure on my behalf that I felt in a way I never got four years ago and deep down needed. But it’s funny–some were worried I might go back to my old ways with him–which I suppose I could have but, at the same time I am more confident in saying that when one door closes, another one opens. And, when that one door closes, you leave it closed. So, we may never talk–and yeah it sucks, and that COULD change (never say never), where we can talk and be cordial or friends again but for now, I must leave the door to that conversation and experience closed. If it opens again it’s for a reason. But for now, it’s also closed for a reason.

I share this because I myself know and have seen how much I have grown up since that first heartbreak of mine. My closest friends and of course my family, saw how much it tore me apart. And I won’t lie that it did. I found it embarrassing at first but, you know what, I’m the type of woman who would rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I think everyone at some point experiences a serious heartbreak–whether it’s their first or fifth. I don’t regret us falling apart and breaking up because I learned a lot from that relationship and about not only what I want and don’t want in a future boyfriend (turned husband) but about myself. I’ve grown up not just physically but emotionally. I definitely would not be the woman I am today if it weren’t for that tried-and-failed relationship, as well as other tried-and-failed mistakes. Not to say that relationship was a mistake but rather a lesson learned. I’ve learned other things outside of my relationship the hard way and while it has sucked and made me mad, sad and unhappy–I realize it happened for a reason and I am who I am today because of those experiences.

Some people might frown upon my mistakes or not approve of the decisions I make in life but, I am 25-years-old and that’s what part of my job in life is to do–live, make mistakes, and learn from them. Sure, I was taught a lot of things, if not, EVERYTHING, from my parents about how to AVOID mistakes but, I’m only human and that’s what we humans do. And I won’t apologize it. For those who have a problem with how I live my life well, that’s their problem–not mine.

Sure, I may still live at home, be single and spend too much money on clothes. Which, really, I probably shouldn’t be announcing to the world but you know what, it won’t last forever. This is a phase of my life (the living at home and being single–the money/clothes thing is my own issue) and someday I’ll be in a different one.

A lot of times I put this immense amount of pressure on myself to not live at home or be single since a lot of other people my age and that I personally know are out on their own and dating or getting engaged and married and even having kids.

It’s funny though, a certain someone, like the certain someone above, said we probably couldn’t date again anyway because I don’t want kids. Well, I’ve been adamant about that for a long time, and say it repeatedly any time someone mentions kids (their own, hell), but, like so many people continue to tell me–MAYBE, just MAYBE, one day I’ll change my mind. Not that I would change my mind just for this certain someone but, for me, right now, at this very point in my life–I have other priorities. I have my own plan/dreams/goals that I want to reach–I want to establish myself in my career and save up to eventually move out on my own and along the way start settling down with someone–date someone exclusively. I am the type of woman where I want to be exclusive with one man–not go out on “dates” with several different men. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that by any means but I’m just not that type of person. I’m too awkward for that, LOL. I just need someone who can handle and admire my awkwardness for what it is AND also accept my “unique” family. LOL! πŸ˜‰ We’re not your typical family–far from it–and someone has to be pretty damn awesome and willing to accept that. πŸ™‚

So I guess for now I’ll continue doing what I am doing… Being thankful I have a job, even if it’s not my final career goal, have awesome friends who support me and my crazy adventures/experiences and don’t judge (lol) and have an AMAZING family who could NEVER be replaced–and also don’t judge.

I’ve made mistakes, and I’ll continue as I continue living this life of mine but, at the end of the day, it’s really only MY opinion that matters of myself. Am I right?

Anyway…

Just had some random thoughts I wanted to share in hopes in that maybe some way others could relate to it but, even if it not, I still got it off my chest.

So until next time…

XOXO,

-Ana

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