I came across a video on social media this week explaining what one of the top relationship killers was. It was about people believing the illusion of couples’ relationships being perfect based on what they post on social media, not taking in to account what goes on between couples off social media. It was a good point, and definitely one I believe can be a relationship killer but, that’s certainly not the only one.
Just within the last few months I was new to dating. After a longer-than-I-care to admit hiatus from dating, I entered a relationship — and from the beginning was guarded. For those who really know me, know relationships aren’t something I take lightly. No, I haven’t had countless ones but, the ones I have had I took to heart and during the relationship treated and cared for it deeply. That’s why I was hesitant at first to even start dating again — I didn’t want to have to learn it wasn’t going to work and result in a break up, leaving me to think I feel like the one who’s more heartbroken, even though that’s likely not true. That’s just who I am. I feel things twice as hard.
I get angry, sad, happy, in a cycle. Some people go through the actual stages of grief when they experience a break up but, it’s different for everyone. I try to be angry and then accept it and move on, but because I’m an emotional person, I just get sad and eventually, in time, I find the strength to move on.
I know people will disagree and probably think I’m being cold when I say I feel this — that I feel like I wasted time on these said relationships but — it’s true. That’s time I won’t get back. Sure, I appreciate the experience but, I’m at the point in my life where I don’t want to “date around.” I want something serious and lasting. And I know I maybe shouldn’t have so many expectations but if I didn’t have any expectations at all then I would be dating frogs for literally ever, which my best friends (and mom) made a good point about needing to “date some frogs before finding my prince”, which I understand, but, I don’t want to do it forever.
I’ve come to know what I want, deserve and need in a relationship. I’ve been fortunate enough to have parents and other family members who model the type of love and relationship I want one day. Their relationships teach me how people in love should respect and appreciate each other. Their relationships show me that they’re not perfect — arguments happen — but that they handle them and find a way to do better next time.
It is because of these relationships and yes, ones I’ve seen in fairytales and even rom-com movies that I know what I want and and deserve. I want to fall in love with someone who’s ambitious, goal-driven, always striving to be the best possible version of himself; surprises me just because and is someone who appreciates when I surprise him just because. I want an equal balance of spending time together and with our own friends. I want someone who enjoys going out with me just as much as he enjoys staying in with me — enjoying any company at all with me. I want someone who appreciates big families and makes an effort to engage in conversation with them at events; and I do the same for him with his family. Family is extremely important to me and I want someone who appreciates their own as much as I appreciate mine. I want someone I can go on vacation with, or simply go on a long drive and that be hanging out together in itself.
There’s a long list of things I seek, love and want in a relationship. And I know that not every item will be met because, well, that would be unrealistic. Relationships are about giving and taking, compromise, and not all of those qualities I’ll be able to have at once. That’s okay. But I hope that that someone is willing to make compromises of his own.
Relationships, they’re tricky. They’ll make you feel your highest highs and can also make you feel your lowest lows.
Arguments and disagreements are a normal part of relationships — and those can bring you lows. And anyone who tells you they aren’t, aren’t telling you the truth. However, having arguments or disagreements in a relationship more often than not is not a normal part of a relationship. And it’s sometimes in those disagreements that you start to see a clearer picture of who someone is and that maybe, just maybe, as much as you may want the relationship to work and be with that person, it’s just not meant to be.
Or maybe, for you reading this, it’s because he betrayed your trust somehow, did something so unbearable that you can’t find it in your heart to forgive him or believe in his “sorry.” Things just happen, and no matter how badly you may want to be in a relationship with someone, some people just aren’t meant to be.
That’s something I’ve learned the hard way, unfortunately, more than once. And even though I’ve experienced it before, it doesn’t sting any less then next time it happens. But the great thing is is that it is possible to overcome. Sure, you’ll be angry, sad, happy — and have every right to be so — fighting to remain happy after being sad and angry but, eventually letting yourself, and your heart, feel the emotions full force and be sad again. It is a process. One I find myself going through right now. I didn’t want to but, it’s a possibility of any relationship — to experience a break up. I know in time my heart will have healed — and thankfully I have an amazing support system and a passion for writing, to get things off my chest — that will allow me to move on and perhaps try at love again, but it is still a process to handle.
It’s what I want and what I believe in. Like people are telling me now, have told me in the past and will tell me in the future, I’ll find someone when the timing is right; find someone who is as crazy about me as I am about them; someone who realizes that relationships will experience disagreements but instead of walking away and ignoring the problem, he’ll stay to fix it; someone who realizes relationships involve compromise; maintaining our own interests while also sharing in our significant others; and so much more.
I’m certainly more hard on myself than I need to be. I will try hard to remind myself I’m still young and have a whole lifetime to find love and settle down with someone, not for.
Until then, I’ll enjoy continuing to love and focus on myself first, enjoy the company of my family and friends and focus on working my dream career.
Relationships, they’re tricky. And they’re a rollercoaster of a ride — especially the potential break up that can follow, making you feel an array of emotions. But, it’s something to get through. It’s something I’ll get through this time, again. It won’t happen overnight, no, and I won’t expect it to. It’ll take time, and just like that time, I’ll love and find love again when that timing is right.
Until next time…