Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

I am fully aware just now neglectful of this blog I am but with an apparent short attention span and a full-time job as a reporter, it can be a challenge to want to sit and write some more outside of what I do for my job. 

Anyway, it’s been five months (yes, five months, O-M-G!) since I’ve posted anything and quite frankly, a lot has happened, in a sense.

So two months after my last post something incredible happened. I was given a second chance at a relationship that I was really hoping and praying wasn’t the end of it for good the first time.

Now look, I’m sure there are some people reading this wondering was this relationship really worth a second chance? If there’s anything useful and important I learned in life it’s to not worry about what others think — especially when it comes to YOUR relationship. On the other hand, I do believe that not all relationships are meant to work out (i.e. my previous relationship during high school and part of college) but, looking back now, I’m pretty sure that was doomed from the beginning, I just didn’t see the signs. But, I certainly don’t regret that relationship because it taught me about love — and the things that come with it — what I should strive for in my next relationship, what I will accept and won’t settle for etc. But this relationship I’m in now, I knew it was different. I’ve known that since the moment I met him.

It’s funny, and kind of bizarre — we met at work not even two years ago but we actually went to the same college at Central Michigan University for all four years before that. We just never met during that time. It seems weird to me on the one hand that it has been such a short time since we’ve known each other because I feel like I have known him for much longer.

Now let me tell you — up until a certain age I think I believed in love at first sight. But then, as time went on I thought, ‘there’s no way that’s possible. In fact, people who think that are out of their mind,’ but — at 27-years-old now, I am beginning to change my mind again. I’m not sure if it’s that I actually believe in love at first sight but, I do think that two people can meet and just have a special instant connection. Something else at first sight.
I feel kind of scared — OK, I feel absolutely terrified to even be sharing/revealing this but — I do believe in that special connection and I feel as though I am experiencing it currently. I say I feel terrified because, it’s a new thing for me. I’m not saying that with my last boyfriend I didn’t feel it but, let’s be real — that was young love (yes, I was in love with him some years ago) and now I am a grown adult — a lot has changed about not only myself personally but how I feel towards relationships, love and even fear.

I am also fearful for another reason but, I’m coming to realize that fear really doesn’t have a spot in my life. People get scared all of the time about different things but do they let it hold them back? NO. Or, you know, they try their best to not let it hold them back, which is something I am currently in the process of working on. I am fearful because what if the feeling isn’t reciprocated? I am not saying that’s the case — and definitely not limiting that feeling to just my relationship — but for anyone out there. I know where my relationship stands, however, I can’t help but feel a different kind of happy, go-lucky, giddy feeling than the same feeling I felt when I dated my previous boyfriend. I think part of it might be because back then I was young therefore a bit naive, and didn’t know any better. Well, now I am older and certainly know better, or, like to think I do anyway. I guess what it comes down to is, I think I am trying to shift the focus of who thinks what of how I feel to others — rather than myself. Even though in reality, it’s me who I am worried about I feel. It’s not that I am not confident in how I feel, but, on the other hand, am I crazy for feeling this way so fast? Of course, while I really cannot compare my relationship to any other as no two relationships are the same, (and I need to quit trying to compare mine to others) I have considered others’ relationships and for them, to me, it seems like they have that feeling I do only they’re not questioning it like I am. They’re just going with it. And for me, that’s much easier said than done.

Like I said, it’s not because I don’t actually feel it. I do. I have this intense feeling of “fondness” if you will, toward my relationship but I think maybe I am feeling it too fast, too soon. Of course no one but myself and my boyfriend can be the judge of that, but, I do look to others because I simply admire their relationships. Take my parents for example — they’re high school sweethearts.

When I dated my former boyfriend I had long assumed and hoped that’s what our relationship would be. It didn’t up being the case of course, which, for the both of us ultimately was the best thing for us, but, the me now wants that same kind of love my parents share.

Love — yes I said it. I love love. I really do. And it is because of not only my parents, but Disney fairy tale cartoons, too. Call me cliche, call me cheesy, but I have always been one of those girls who idolized the princess and prince charming ending up happily-ever-after. Although, side note: If you’re an adult watching Disney movies then you can see just how truly barbaric some of the story lines are. I mean, a prince “rescuing” the princess a.k.a. damsel in distress?

OK, not my point. My point is, aside from the somewhat outdated story lines, it’s the elements behind it. Cinderella, for example, while she was “rescued” from her evil stepmother and stepsisters, she wound up living happily-ever-after with her prince. Now of course, this is modern day, and reality of course, not some scripted cartoon movie, and relationships don’t always mean a happily-ever-after. That’s not to say people won’t stay together forever, but rather, relationships “aren’t always rainbows and butterflies.” (Cue: Maroon 5, for those of you who caught that reference.)

Relationships take work. They take patience. Kindness. Understanding. Everything. And I am beyond grateful and can’t thank God enough for allowing me this second chance at this relationship I’m in now. For quite some time after my former relationship, even sporadically until now, I have carried that emotional baggage around with me. Eventually, I knew I had to let that baggage go in order to fully accept and actually be present in this current relationship. Of course, while I let go of that baggage it seemed I picked up new “baggage,” if you will, only this time — about the future.

Obviously I or anyone else has no idea what the future holds but for some reason, I am determined to try and figure it out. Never in my life have I wondered, or worried, so much about the future. I guess maybe it’s in part because I have gotten older and will only continue to get older, just like everyone else because it’s a part of life. It’s inevitable. But, on the other hand, I feel like that’s just maybe who I am as a person — a worrier? But why? That remains a mystery to me.

I’ve been trying hard to be more present and focused on the present and it’s a process. I started, sort of, a hand-written journal that I truly hope I can utilize regularly to my benefit. It’s part hand-written, part “vision” journal, meaning I am cutting pictures and images out of old magazines for both short-and-long-term goals I hope to achieve.

The journal is a work-in-progress, much like (me) trying to regain focus on the present outside of my journal and being grateful for the now of my life because well, it’s pretty damn great. But I will say this, as another potential reason for my worry about the future: I don’t want history to repeat itself.

I know, I’m 27-years-old (Eek! That’s still so weird to me sometimes), a grown adult, and really I only have the one other relationship (that was significant and had a major impact on my life) to compare things to, but, that heartbreak was hard. Of course, all heart breaks are hard (even if it was ultimately a blessing in disguise), and everyone handles them differently. For me, as a woman who’s always been an emotional being (for whatever reason), it was one of the more difficult things in life to go through. It obviously wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever experienced as I consider the death of a loved one or pet, or something along those lines, as the worst things I’ve had to experience in life. But anyway — the heartbreak was difficult then, and even during my last “heartbreak” in this relationship during the two months we broke up and hardly spoke, were awful. I really wasn’t sure and didn’t entertain the idea too much if we would get back together. I had hoped, obviously, as our relationship just hadn’t felt like it should have ended there and thank God and my boyfriend, and myself too, for realizing the feelings were still there and that in order to move on some things would need to change to make the relationship even better the second time around.

And let me tell you, they are. When he and I met up for the first time after two months it wasn’t at all awkward like I kept telling myself and my friends it would be. I was terrified to see him in person because I honestly had no idea what to expect. He was simply just “coming over to visit.” But, it turned out what I could have only dreamed of and from there it’s been much different, but certainly in a good way.

My point is, there’s a lot of unknowns in life. And fear is a thing that never goes away. But, we find a way to overcome the fear and accept the unknowns as they make their presence known in our lives. And as for feelings, which in this particular case mine are tied to fear — I can’t let it. I can’t and shouldn’t feel scared, or sorry for the way I feel. I can only hope and pray for in the future for things to be equal among us.

For now, I will continue my relationship, and life in general, as it is. Enjoy each moment and it comes and try not to stress out so much about the future. Be confident in where I am in life now. And that goes to you, too, whoever is reading this post.

Until next time…

— Anamaria

I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye…

Call me crazy but, I love love love.

I’ve been in love before, and I hope, pray and know I’ll fall in love again. But, when?

Here I am X amount of years after a relationship wondering when and where, not if, I’ll meet my Mr. Right a.k.a. Prince Charming.

You’re probably wondering why I’m even rambling about this on a Monday night at 11 o clock. LOL! Just thinking about my weekend encounter when I tried to TALK to another human being of the opposite sex. 😂 LMAO! But more about that later on in this post…

Okay, so maybe I sound like some young, naive girl who still believes in “fairytales”. But that’s just it–I don’t still believe in fairytales. I just have and always will. Quite frankly, I don’t see what’s wrong with that?

Moving to a new state a few months ago I thought the dating scene might improve, meaning I’d have more selection and variety or, that I would just be more willing and able to give chances to people, without regard to where I meet them (online or in person). I come across men when I’m out at the bars back home and come across men all the time when I’m out in the field working; although the latter isn’t the appropriate time or place to meet eligible bachelor men. Lol. Anyway…

But, while meeting a cute guy at the bar and trying my best not to be awkward, I can’t help but think it’s his loss if he thinks in the end my awkwardness is too weird/a turn off anyway. Hell, maybe he is just interested in a hook-up, which, sure, on one hand doesn’t sound all that bad if I was still in college and in general, younger, but, at 26 I’m just no longer into it. Or maybe I just need to brush on my skills on how to flirt and not be awkward. LOL! HALP!

But look, I am a real adult now. Or you know, am for the most part. 😂 I live in a completely different town and state than where I grew up my whole life. I have a cute little two bedroom apartment that feels like home (to the best of my ability), and, am finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do–be a reporter. Thankfully I’m in love with my job but, I don’t want that to be my whole life.

Like I said above, and I’ve said before: I love love. I am fortunate to have experienced it once before, despite it not working out in the end, because I am a firm believer, and I think probably was before experiencing it myself–it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I don’t know whether it’s based solely on personal experience or from me watching fairytale movies whether they’re Disney or adult rom-coms, but, I definitely do believe love exists and believe I, too, am meant to fall in love again, at least (hopefully) once more.

Before I fell in love for my first time when I was 17 I thought people could only fall in love once. And I think a part of me thought that because I thought my (then) boyfriend and I would get that “happily-ever-after” I had always dreamed of. But when we broke up, and at that (still somewhat young) age, I wasn’t able yet to recognize that everything happens for a reason. Yes, it broke my heart and I was devastated, and didn’t think I would be able to love again or move on at the time–but, as time went on and I got older, I realized not just my life but, any person in general who has had their heart broken, has so much more to gain and learn about themselves and life in general in the “healing” and “moving on” process.

I didn’t see it at first at the time as I truly thought my world and life as I knew it was over but, I am thankful and grateful for having been able to love and experienced my own heartbreak for I would not be the woman I am today–the woman I was meant to be–without having experienced it.

But, flash forward to now–here I am at 26 years old, more than ready to fall in love again. I hope to not experience heartbreak again but should life have it happen that way then I accept it. Plus, I know heartbreak can come in forms beyond just love, and thankfully based on my past experience I can now accept it better should it happen again.

But at my age and my status in life–living and working in a completely new area–where is one to find a nice, single, decent guy?

I’m sure some people reading this think I’m being too picky. And sure, maybe I am. But, I believe so deeply and passionately about love, that I want to date, hell–hopefully marry–someone who feels just the same. Love is much too precious to me to be thrown around so casually. I don’t despise people who throw the word around loosely but, I personally wouldn’t throw it around loosely at my age and in this day. Because like I said, I was able to experience love firsthand myself at once before. And the age I was doesn’t affect my feelings and belief towards it. Some people may shake their head in disbelief that I could feel such a way at 17 but, as someone whose own parents are high school sweethearts and got married when they were that age, I think it’s perfectly fine and acceptable for me to feel and think the way I do.

And while I haven’t yet found that special someone, that doesn’t go to say I haven’t tried. Like I mentioned above, I’ve tried “meeting” people out at the bar–I.e. Us both tips-ily (if that was a real word, lol) flirting or simply talking with one another but, it didn’t extend beyond a casual exchange of numbers and one polite follow up text the next day.

And then of course there’s the whole world of online dating. Where do I begin with that? I am a supporter of online dating and definitely don’t see anything weird, or “abnormal” about it like some others may view it as. But, to be honest, I think my in-person awkwardness translates to the online world, too, lol. Again, some may say I’m being too picky but, I can’t imagine not setting the bar high enough and ending up with a “Barney”. (See: Clueless) I for one value education dearly, and while I understand and accept some people go on to live fantastic, perfectly great lives without a college degree, etc. I want someone who can atleast appreciate the effort of trying. If there’s another thing I learned in life it’s that nothing worth having comes easy. I am thankful to have parents who showed me that hard work will allow you to be successful and provide an opportunity for growth. I am proud of myself, and for both my parents and my entire family, for always being my cheerleaders along the way, pushing my to finish college strong, or any goal for that matter, regardless of how long it took–like to graduate. (I took an extra 5th year but, I finished)

I want to date someone who has that same motivation and determination I did and do, whether or not there’s a group of cheerleaders behind him. But of course, I do hope he does have a great support system, because that’s just as important to me.

You see, I am close with my family. I love my family and truly can’t imagine calling any other group of people my family. I am blessed and fortunate enough to be the youngest of six kids and have several nieces, nephews, great-nieces, etc. And that’s another huge thing for me when looking for Mr. Right, a.k.a. my Prince Charming–they have to value family as much as me. The truth is, if you don’t have family at the end of the day, who else can you lean and rely on?

I could go on and on about the qualities I look for in a guy. Sure, like I said, some people may say I’m too picky or this, this or that, but, at the end of the day I am happy with my life, working my dream job, and experiencing this new town and city. Obviously I would love to find a companion to share in this crazy adventure with me but, until then I’ll enjoy the ride solo.

So until next time…

XO,

Ana

Forgiving you is my gift to you; moving on is my gift to myself…

Seeds of Growth

It’s officially Monday, and I meant to write this yesterday but sleep and work won so here’s my post now. Although, as exhausted as I am I should be sleeping right now, considering I have to be at work in the morning.

But, Sunday marked something important and prominent in my life that I felt the need to address it and talk about it.

What is this certain something, you ask? It’s the fifth year anniversary of my break-up with my high school sweetheart. Like to the DAY, five years ago. You’re probably wondering why I’m mentioning this event as an anniversary, but, for a lack of better words…

It was five years ago on a Sunday that a phone call would change my life in a way I would have never imagined.

At that point in time, being almost 21 and having dated my then boyfriend for three and a half years, I couldn’t fathom that it was happening to me. I knew break ups happened all the time between people but, after having dated what seemed like literally forever to me, I couldn’t believe it was really happening.

Like, having spent three and a half years of my life with someone who wasn’t just my first love, and friend first, but he was my best friend. Someone I was fortunate enough at the time to have a part of my life.

To be honest, it hadn’t even dawned on me that the 13th of March was the day it was official that we broke up except that Facebook’s Time Hop reminded me. Thanks, Time Hop.

But, after realizing it, and having just had a conversation about it with my best friend, it felt appropriate to talk about it on here and how much my life has changed and how I’ve changed personally, for the better, because of this break-up.

I’ll admit, it is a little strange to think that FIVE years have gone by since that fateful phone call. Of course at the time I was sad, and for quite some time after, not even fully understanding or accepting that we were in fact over. I was hurt. I felt I didn’t deserve it; I thought he was my soulmate. But my, what time can do to a person.

In the past five years I’ve worked on being who I am meant to be.

I finished college, earned my Bachelor of Science degree in journalism. I joined a sorority, Delta Phi Epsilon, and served as the public relations chair in fall 2012. I celebrated two milestone birthdays, 21st and 25th; took my first airplane rides by myself (which, to me was a very big deal the first time I did–I was terrified, haha). I worked different jobs, spent more time with my family and friends; grew closer to my friends. I’ve grown up. I’ve changed in ways I never thought would be possible because when the break-up first happened, and like I said, for awhile afterward, I truly thought I would never move on. And then I remember at one point my one brother telling me I have to accept the fact that I may never talk to or see my old boyfriend again. Of course, that wasn’t entirely true as we talked briefly last November but, that didn’t end on the best of terms so we are back to no longer speaking.

But you know what? I’ve accepted it. It’s okay. I am not opposed to being his friend if he comes around to changing his mind but, I don’t hold it against him. Five years later and I am at that point my life where I can look back on the relationship and be happy. I don’t regret it. Some days I used to, but, I now know everything happens for a reason. So, I am thankful for having had the relationship with him. No, it didn’t work out, but every experience in my life, this one included, helped shape me into the woman I am today.

So, in honor of it having been five years, I’ve decided to write a public letter. No, I’m not going to mail this to him, but, I am writing it not only for my own sake of fully letting go of the past and accepting it, but also in hopes of other women seeing it and realizing they too can move on from a break-up, a heartache, and be happy again. 🙂

I will admit, it is a little terrifying to put my thoughts like this out there but, at the end of the day it only matters what I think of my thoughts.

To The Boy Who Broke My Heart:

It’s been awhile since I’ve spoken to you. I’m almost certain I saw you out driving where I was out filming for work the other day but I can’t be 100% positive. It looked like you though, as did the truck look like yours. Of course I thought it was strange, only because what were the chances we’d both be in that area at the same time. That, and I was also wondering why you would be on that side of town anyway.

But, enough about that. I want to say I hold no hard feelings toward you. Sure, I wish we could be civil enough to chat–not on daily basis or anything–and to be friends, but, I guess it just isn’t meant to be that way. And that’s okay.

I will admit that for many months, and well, a few years I held both resentment and sadness about us breaking up. After all, you were my first true love, and the truth is, a small part of me will always hold on to that. I used to say I hated you for breaking up with me, but, looking back now, it’s kind of silly to hate someone because they don’t want to be with you anymore/don’t love you anymore. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you back? I questioned that for a long time and I now know that us breaking up did us both a favor.

When I think back to our relationship, I think of all the memories–both the good and bad. Mostly the good, as I don’t want to live with resentment over the bad times, and I smile. We had some great times and while there are times to this day I wish I could send you a text or call you up to tell you something funny, I thankfully have other people in my life for that. No, we’re no longer part of each other’s life, but, I wish you well.

During the time we dated you taught me a lot about love. I fell in love with you and you fell in love with me in return. You and I were opposites and yes, at times I wasn’t sure if we would date for as long as we did but, indeed we did. When I dated you I truly felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Like a princess. Not to say our relationship was perfect, because ours wasn’t, and no one’s is, but, the good times we had I am so happy I will forever have those to cherish.

I thank you. I thank you for asking me out. Oh, the way you asked me out–Won’t ever forget that. Too funny. You were more than just my boyfriend and first true love, but also my best friend. And of course, you were my first real heartbreak. But, as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. It took a long time, yes, and at times I thought I would never fully get over you–as pathetic as that sounds but boy, am I one determined and strong woman who was finally able to say “goodbye” to that chapter of my life. For the longest time I thought my life was over because we ended but oh how wrong I was. I realized that our relationship was just a chapter in my life, not the whole thing. It is in fact when my life really began.

Now I know you may never see this, and we very well may never talk again, but I do want you to know I wish you well. I’m grown up now and no longer not wish you well. Because, you know, I had to be young and immature by wishing you the worst. That of course was before growing up to be older and wiser. I no longer wish that. Because another thing I learned is that it takes up too much time and energy to hate someone. I have so many hopes, dreams and desires I intend to achieve in my life that I decided and realized I would no longer dwell on the past and think you’re a total jerk for breaking up with me. Like I said earlier, you did us both a favor. But, looking forward, if I ever have kids some day, or even if I am just talking to friends or my family (nieces and nephews) as they get older, I’ll speak fondly of our relationship. We had fights but, I choose to focus on the good of our relationship and for that, I am thankful.

Thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you back. Thank you for allowing me to be such a special part of your life for three and a half years. Thank you for being a part of my life during those years and being there for me through both the good times and the bad. I wouldn’t have made it through the bad times as easily without your support.

I hope you too can look back at our relationship and not hold resentment toward me. But, should you, that choice is yours. I won’t hold it against you. I truly wish you well and if our paths happen to cross again, whether as acquaintances or friends or whatever, wonderful. But, if not, that’s fine too. Just know, no matter what, you’ll forever hold a special spot in my heart for having been my first love. And that for that I will be forever grateful. Thank you.

Ana

Until next time…

XO,

Ana

Never chase love, affection or attention…

Why do we do this?

Both men and women. Boys and girls.

alexandgigi

Trust me, I’ve seen He’s Just Not That Into You, enough to know when a guy is not interested.

And yet, I, like the main character, Gigi, continue “chasing” after these guys like they’re something extremely special and think maybe, just maybe he’ll come to his senses and like me back.

Psh!

WRONG!

But it’s not just me, no. I see it all the time in movies, television–real life.

And I always wonder, why do women do that to themselves, and guys the same?

Like Alex says in the movie, if a guy likes you, he will make it clear. He won’t play “games”.

You’re probably wondering why I am even writing about this, right?

Well, because I believe not only do I deserve the best and shouldn’t be “chasing” after men who clearly aren’t interested, but, neither should other men and women.

I firmly believe in soulmates and so I got to thinking that perhaps it’s not working out with the current men in my life because my soulmate is still out there.

Okay, so it sounds cheesy and not everyone believes in soulmates, but, I do. I believe in that happily-ever-after with the right person… At the right time.

Ah, time. That brings me to my next thought.

Why is everything about timing?

clock

I’ve spent the past few years being single, for the most part enjoying it.

After all, I was and still am young while (currently still) being single and it’s allowed me to not only grow as an individual, but, also made me realize what I will and won’t settle for in a relationship.

But fast forward to the present and I see all these people I know dating, living together, getting engaged and married; having kids. Like, when did that become the thing to do? Am I missing out? Did I miss some memo?

I’m not saying I’m ready right this second to move in with someone or even get engaged right off the bat, but, seeing everyone living this way, it makes me question if I’m right where I should be at this very moment in my life right now.

My point is, while I’m sure the people who are dating each other, living with each other and getting married are (hopefully for the long run) meant to be, what about the rest of us?

I’m not meaning for this to be a pity party, no. I’m just sick and tired of not just myself but other men and women putting themselves out there only to be rejected. Like if you’re not interested in someone, make it clear, lay it out flat. Otherwise, that person is left thinking maybe there could be some spark ignited while that person knows damn well it will never progress to anything more.

Sure, the truth will hurt, but, I’d rather hear the truth and hurt for a little while than be lied to and think in my head something will progress into something more when it really won’t.

telling-the-truth-quotes-7

Besides, isn’t honesty the best policy, anyway? I think it is. I mean sure, people tell white lies every now and then, usually to spare someone’s feelings, but, when it comes to the dating world and men and women, I think it’s important to be up front.

If not, then, you must be into playing games. And I tell ya, after how long I’ve been single, the last thing I have time for is games.

Yes, I am still young, but, like I’ve said, I’ve had the time to think about what I really want out of not just life in general but, in a relationship too. I want someone who’s just as crazy about me as I am about them. I want someone who loves me for me and doesn’t care if I dance like a fool when a good song comes on Pandora, or don’t want to interact with people until I’ve had coffee. Someone who understands it takes me at least two hours to get ready. I can get ready in less than that, but, I like to lolly gag and dance like a fool to Pandora, lol.

I want someone who appreciates my quirks, supports my dream of being a reporter, enjoys big families and doesn’t mind my family’s uniqueness (lol). I want someone who not only enjoys this but, can handle it.

Perhaps I may be asking for too much but, I know there are people out there in the world who ask and have received much more so, really, I don’t think I am asking for too much. But again, maybe I am, hence why I am still single.

In the mean time I am going to continue pursuing my dream of being a reporter–work on my professional life–and, you know, still be on the online dating scene, and I guess the real world dating scene, even if my prospects are just average. Who knows? I told myself earlier this year that this year is the year of taking chances so, I am going to try my best to be even more open when it comes to dating but, at the same time, not just being open for the sake of being open. I gotta draw the line somewhere, right?

Ah, until next time…

XO,

Ana

Where there is love there is life…

It’s 11 o’clock on a Thursday night, thinking I should be exhausted from a long work week, but am not.

This week’s been super short due to having Monday off as well as getting an early release yesterday and the whole day off today due to the weather. So, today I decided to be somewhat productive–after, of course, I got caught up on my TV shows I’ve missed these past few weeks.

So, my hair wand styling tool decided to quit working so naturally I had to go buy a new one, right? Which I did, at Sally’s, and then after that I went to Target to print off some pictures to update the ones currently in my frame on the wall. But you know when it comes to Target it’s never just one thing you LEAVE Target with. No, no, no. I also had on my list of things to buy: nylons, a candle to go in my new candle holder I bought in Nashville and deodorant. But, did I leave with just that? Of course not. Why? Because Target is a trap and that’s what they do to you–make you leave its store with not only what you actually came for but a lot more as well. And sometimes you don’t even leave with what you came for–you just leave with 50 other things you definitely DIDN’T need. But, that’s another story, and not the point of this one.

So, I get home to put away my new stuff only to realize that I must organize some other things in my room to make space for the new stuff. As I start moving things around and dusting, I realize just how much stuff I have. Random stuff. Random stuff I don’t need, but, find myself always clinging on to because deep down I think I might be a hoarder. Not literally but, sometimes I wonder…

Anyway… So I am cleaning through stuff and putting a lot of stuff in a bag for my aunt to donate to the food bank she works at. Among the stuff I am going through I come across some old memories. Memories that made me smile and others that made me wish some people were still alive and physically here. But, more importantly, it made me realize how much I have changed and grown from a young girl to a young woman–someone, in my opinion, who is much different than the girl who used to wear white eyeliner and had those two pieces of random hair hanging in front of her face.

Oh yes, I was that girl. I used to be. Can you even picture it? (I have pictures to prove it, but, I’ll leave it to you using your imagination, lol) But, my point is, is that the woman who I I pictured myself to be one day when I grew up, isn’t who I am. It’s not an entirely bad thing, and now that I am older I understand “everything happening for a reason”, but, I am wondering just how long it will take me to understand the reasoning for why my life is actually the way it is versus how I imagined it to me.

I’m not saying I have a bad life, because I definitely do not. But, the younger me pictured the NOW me to be working my dream career as a journalist, being married and living with my future husband… Having and living that happily-ever-after. But guess what? That’s not my current reality. It’s definitely still my dream, but, I’m wondering why it hasn’t come true yet. Like, why did my life plan/goals not play how exactly how I wanted them to? I’ll never know.

love

So, focusing on the present, I still want to somehow make that dream of mine come true. Sure, it won’t match the timeline I had envisioned for myself when I was younger but if there’s another thing I learned in addition to everything happening for a reason, it’s my soulmate is out there some where. Probably sounds pretty crazy to some but, I firmly believe that the “man of my dreams” is out there just waiting to meet me.

Okay, so I sound like a cheesy romance movie or trashy romance novel but, you know what, I not only believe in love but, I LOVE love. Is it just me, or…?

I love the idea of love, the meaning of it and how it affects people–and not just romantically. It’s an amazing thing to experience by giving and receiving it.

Well, I for one am all about giving it. Now, if only I could find a man who would be willing to receive it and give it back…

Alright, so I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts that I’ve been playing the single field for some time now and while in college there were countless possibilities of eligible bachelors, I spent my time focused on school, other things.

Looking back now, I think maybe in the back of my mind I thought my then ex and I might get back together, or, maybe I just felt like trying to find a man on a college campus was asking for too much (and I was being too picky), but, for whatever reason, I just didn’t hook anyone with my bait, if you will. LOL. Well, flash forward to over a year and a half since I’ve graduated and moved back to my hometown, trying to land a full-time job in my field, I wonder, now where am I supposed to meet people?

Through mutual friends? The bar? Online? By chance?

I’ve experienced all of the above but, none have panned out… Which, makes me wonder and question–Am I seriously going to be single forever?

Okay, so it sounds a little crazy but, try to understand that I’ve been single for a loooong time. Okay, so sure, there are people out there who live their whole lives being single and are totally fine. And people who haven’t been single their whole lives but still have been single longer than me.

But, like I mentioned above, I love love, and I want love. I want that head-over-heels kind of love, and I truly believe I’m meant to experience and have it. Others might not agree but, it doesn’t matter what they think–only what I do.

But I wonder after trying to meet men through mutual friends, at the bar, and by chance, where in the world AM I supposed to meet them?

Is there some way/somewhere I completely missing, simply just having bad luck or destined to be single for forever?

Now, there are a couple things I must share in regards to online dating, as it was brought to my attention when one of my friends posted it to her social media last week. She made some very valid points and I agreed with almost all of them. But, then it got me to thinking… Maybe that’s what was deterring men from me and vice versa? Not to say that’s what the case was for her though, no.

But the points she made about online dating were as follows (not exact word-for-word) and they just made me think, WOW! BAM! Nailed it on the head…

Disclaimer: I am in no way dissing online dating. I’ve been on sites in the past and am on some right now.

  1. A first impression is everything. Before you even message me you better have some clear, solid pictures of YOU. I don’t mind if you have some pictures with your friends, as I do too, but, if you don’t have at least one, preferably two, pictures that clearly shows who you are then… Don’t waste your time messaging me. Online dating is hard enough and I don’t want to spend the extra time trying to figure out what man is you. Also, if you have a girl in your picture and you don’t say who she is then… Yeah, sorry, a turn off for me. AND also… The weird blur outs or “stickers” over people’s faces too=WEIRD. Or if you don’t have ANY pictures=EVEN WEIRDER. But anyway, moving on…
  2. Physical appearances aren’t and shouldn’t be everything but, let’s face it, it does play a role in relationships, and especially in the online dating world. That sounds conceited but, let’s be honest. I can only assume how many guys passed over me because physically I wasn’t their type. Sure, it sucks, but, I know there are countless more guys out there to pick from who may just find me to be exactly what they’re looking for. But, same goes for me. If I don’t think there is a physical attraction, then it will be hard for me to pursue the relationship further. And I don’t just say this in regards to online dating–even in real life there’s got to be some chemistry and physical attraction to the other person. Okay, so maybe I sound like a total conceited bitch, but, I know other people out there think this same thing but won’t say it. It’s fine. Moving on…
  3. If someone messages me and I don’t respond, or if I message someone and they don’t respond–what to do=MOVE ON. I’ve had a handful of guys message me, only to look at their profile afterward and see there is no way we have anything in common. I just think it’s weird, sorry. Like I mentioned above–there are plenty of people to pick from so move on to the next one in hopes that person will message you back.
  4. If you’re going to take a chance and message me (hoping you at least skimmed my profile but if not, well then) then at least have it be something substantial. For example, I got a message from someone the other day whose profile picture was a MEME and it was his ONE AND ONLY picture asking if I had Snapchat. I read it and thought, “I sure do, but, in no way in hell am I going to give you my username. Creep!” Yeah, I deleted that message real quick. Like I said, have it be something that can keep a conversation going.
  5. I will never understand why guys insist on asking/saying “how can someone as pretty/beautiful as you be single?” I don’t know, pal. YOU tell me… Enlighten me, if you will.

So, there’s definitely more I could say about online dating, but, I’m sure some people are reading this and are thinking, “Well, gee, it’s no wonder you’re still single.” Yeah, yeah, I get it. Maybe I’m being way too harsh but, if there’s something I learned from my first serious relationship is that I refuse to settle–in anything in life, but, especially in love.

…Of course I have people tell me all the time how my “Mr. Right”/”Prince Charming” will come along in my life when I’m not looking and when I least expect it but, um, hello? I’ve been trying to live that life for the past how many years and here I am… STILL SINGLE.

It’s been partly by choice, but, more recently, I’ve realized I’m ready to date someone for the long-run and maybe, hopefully, settle down with him someday. Of course, that alone probably deters some guys from dating me as not all guys are ready to settle down or are even looking for something long-term. Which is fine, too. Hell, I’d be happy if someone just wanted to take me out on a date or, simply just hang out and enjoy my company. Sure, I have amazing friends and family who are great company themselves, but, I also would like a male companion as company too.

Which begs the question… Where is a 25-year-old single woman supposed to meet people?

I’m still on the online dating scene, but, nothing seriously potential from it yet.

I’ve tried meeting people at the bar and well, everyone’s inhibitions go out the door and we all know how that goes…

I’ve met people through mutual friends and it just doesn’t pan out.

So single men and women… Where do the single people of the universe meet the others? And, how I do approach a single man?

I blog about this not just for the sake of myself, but, because I know there are other single people out there, possibly reading this, and probably (or potentially) thinking these same things.

And, well, if there aren’t, then pardon me, keep moving along…

My point of this blog is to share that I am open and ready for a relationship–but more importantly, love. As an example, my parents are high school sweethearts and have been married 40+ years and I want a love like that–that lasts forever, through good times and tough.

So, while I continue waiting for my Mr. Right/Prince Charming to come along in my life (or continue seeking him out in the form of meeting at a bar, through mutual friends, online, etc), I’ll be living my life same as always: blogging, working on reaching my ultimate career goal of becoming a reporter, eating Chipotle, drinking Starbucks and watching too much Law and Order: SVU.

I mean, if that doesn’t rock some guy’s socks off, then, I don’t know what will. LOL! 😉

Until next time…

XO,
Ana

Don’t Let Your Past Steal Your Present…

So the other night when I couldn’t sleep all I could think of was how I could be writing a really awesome blog post with all my thoughts going on.

But, clearly, it was late and the lights were off and I was under the sheets praying I would doze off soon. Anyway, I got to thinking about some recent events that took place and how the old me would be shaking her head at me but the me now, I just laugh it off–and my friends even cheered for me as I lived through my own silly experiences (that’s what I call them anyway–to some they might be considered mistakes but, in my opinion, everything happens for a reason).

I myself couldn’t even believe what my present self was doing but I realized once my friends pointed it out that I was simply being me–simply being a 25-year-old–it was normal. I am living life with no regrets and on my own terms–doing what I want to and (trying) not to be too concerned with what others think. After all, I am an adult, right? Legally we are deemed an adult at 18 so yeah, that was 7 years ago.

Anyway… Where this thought process is coming from you might be wondering? Well, a few different things. It started with one thing that lead to another thing–quite a big thing, actually, to me–and how as a result I had my grown up epiphany. Sure, I had one a few years ago when I came to terms that everything happens for a reason but this time, the present me, could accept what was really happening for what it really was–and not what I wanted it to be.

It started out at a birthday party…

I knew my ex would be there. I didn’t think much of it other than he probably wouldn’t speak to me (as he hadn’t in the past on the rare occasion we were in a place with mutual friends). But even though I knew he’d be there and I assumed he knew I would be there, I wasn’t sure how either of us would act. I knew it was better to act polite and not say anything at all rather than accidentally say something that comes off as rude or something.

So I get to dinner and we’re sitting diagonally from each other. It was slightly awkward–mostly I think because I made it so–I avoided looking over that way, but as the night went on, I couldn’t help but think how silly this whole thing was. I kept thinking, really, it’s been OVER four years–we’re both adults now–I think the least we can do is be CIVIL. Right? Well, I let the dinner continue as it was, and then the “awkwardness” there was I let linger back to my cousin’s house where my ex and I Just stood on opposite sides of the room and didn’t speak. I would have spoken sooner but the truth is, I didn’t know what to say. I mean really, what do you say to someone, someone you used to be in love with and dated for 3 1/2 years after basically not speaking for over 4 years? I mean, really?

pastfuture

Anyway… We pregamed at my cousin’s house for a bit and finally made our way downtown to the bar. Still at the bar, my ex appeared to be stand-offish (but maybe that’s just the vibe I personally was getting) and being really quiet. Finally, I couldn’t handle it anymore–it was just too weird. So, I mustered up the courage and maturity to ask him, “Hey, how’s it going?” From there I thought the rest of the night went great.

Even after that, we hung out and caught up about our lives over the past couple of years and it was fine, it was great. I felt like a new leaf had truly turned as we were talking as just friends and like we didn’t have this dramatic past. Not that we both didn’t know it had actually happened but, in that moment, we were able to be mature about it and say it just didn’t work out but that we were both happy for each other now.

Of course after that, without going into too much detail here, I think we both came to realize that we probably can’t be friends. After all, we haven’t spoken to each other in over a week and the last time we talked I just got this bad vibe. I’m not really sure what exactly happened, but, despite the fact we may not talk again, I do feel better–I feel as I got some type of closure on my behalf that I felt in a way I never got four years ago and deep down needed. But it’s funny–some were worried I might go back to my old ways with him–which I suppose I could have but, at the same time I am more confident in saying that when one door closes, another one opens. And, when that one door closes, you leave it closed. So, we may never talk–and yeah it sucks, and that COULD change (never say never), where we can talk and be cordial or friends again but for now, I must leave the door to that conversation and experience closed. If it opens again it’s for a reason. But for now, it’s also closed for a reason.

I share this because I myself know and have seen how much I have grown up since that first heartbreak of mine. My closest friends and of course my family, saw how much it tore me apart. And I won’t lie that it did. I found it embarrassing at first but, you know what, I’m the type of woman who would rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I think everyone at some point experiences a serious heartbreak–whether it’s their first or fifth. I don’t regret us falling apart and breaking up because I learned a lot from that relationship and about not only what I want and don’t want in a future boyfriend (turned husband) but about myself. I’ve grown up not just physically but emotionally. I definitely would not be the woman I am today if it weren’t for that tried-and-failed relationship, as well as other tried-and-failed mistakes. Not to say that relationship was a mistake but rather a lesson learned. I’ve learned other things outside of my relationship the hard way and while it has sucked and made me mad, sad and unhappy–I realize it happened for a reason and I am who I am today because of those experiences.

Some people might frown upon my mistakes or not approve of the decisions I make in life but, I am 25-years-old and that’s what part of my job in life is to do–live, make mistakes, and learn from them. Sure, I was taught a lot of things, if not, EVERYTHING, from my parents about how to AVOID mistakes but, I’m only human and that’s what we humans do. And I won’t apologize it. For those who have a problem with how I live my life well, that’s their problem–not mine.

Sure, I may still live at home, be single and spend too much money on clothes. Which, really, I probably shouldn’t be announcing to the world but you know what, it won’t last forever. This is a phase of my life (the living at home and being single–the money/clothes thing is my own issue) and someday I’ll be in a different one.

A lot of times I put this immense amount of pressure on myself to not live at home or be single since a lot of other people my age and that I personally know are out on their own and dating or getting engaged and married and even having kids.

It’s funny though, a certain someone, like the certain someone above, said we probably couldn’t date again anyway because I don’t want kids. Well, I’ve been adamant about that for a long time, and say it repeatedly any time someone mentions kids (their own, hell), but, like so many people continue to tell me–MAYBE, just MAYBE, one day I’ll change my mind. Not that I would change my mind just for this certain someone but, for me, right now, at this very point in my life–I have other priorities. I have my own plan/dreams/goals that I want to reach–I want to establish myself in my career and save up to eventually move out on my own and along the way start settling down with someone–date someone exclusively. I am the type of woman where I want to be exclusive with one man–not go out on “dates” with several different men. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that by any means but I’m just not that type of person. I’m too awkward for that, LOL. I just need someone who can handle and admire my awkwardness for what it is AND also accept my “unique” family. LOL! 😉 We’re not your typical family–far from it–and someone has to be pretty damn awesome and willing to accept that. 🙂

So I guess for now I’ll continue doing what I am doing… Being thankful I have a job, even if it’s not my final career goal, have awesome friends who support me and my crazy adventures/experiences and don’t judge (lol) and have an AMAZING family who could NEVER be replaced–and also don’t judge.

I’ve made mistakes, and I’ll continue as I continue living this life of mine but, at the end of the day, it’s really only MY opinion that matters of myself. Am I right?

Anyway…

Just had some random thoughts I wanted to share in hopes in that maybe some way others could relate to it but, even if it not, I still got it off my chest.

So until next time…

XOXO,

-Ana

Finding a prince in a pond full of frogs

I don’t know about other women my age or at the same point in their life (post-college) but I feel like the dating pool is kind of small. Or maybe I am just blinded and missing the greater dating pool.

It could just be my over-picky-ness but in all honesty, where are women my age and at this point in life supposed to meet people? Hell, I wasn’t even sure where to find people when I was in college. The bar? A coffee shop? A concert? The bar seems to be the typical place to meet people for twenty-somethings and while I am a twenty-something, I feel as though I am not into finding my soul mate, my one true love, while having already consumed a couple beers and then some.

Don’t get me wrong, I love going to the bar and just hanging out with my girl friends but when it comes to meeting people (i.e. potential significant other) I feel as though it can be difficult. In my opinion people use the bar and consuming some liquor for well, liquid encouragement. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that considering I’ve done the same but, in the end it just doesn’t always work out as well as hoped.

Let me again reiterate that I don’t think there is anything wrong with people meeting their S.O. at the bar. I know some success stories from doing so but, since I’ve already gone through that phase, or at least attempted to (but really, was too shy/chicken shit to) I feel like it’s not for me anymore.

Which begs the question: Where do twenty-something women, post-college, meet men who are at the same point in their lives, if not even more established?

That’s part of the problem. I have people tell me I am much too picky when it comes to guys–whether it be to casually date him or something more serious and long-term. Now I will admit I suppose I am just a tad picky but I also don’t want to settle. On the other hand, the people I know who are dating someone or will date in the future are probably people I wouldn’t ever date. That doesn’t go to say the people they’re dating are undesirable or anything, it’s just a different taste than what I am looking for. After all, everyone has their own tastes, etc. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’m sure some people reading have probably written me off as someone whose standards are too high that no guy will ever be able to meet but, I disagree. It might not happen anytime soon but as people always tell me–things happen when they’re supposed to and when I least expect it. I am a firm believer every person has a soul mate in the world (should they believe in/want love–regardless of it results in marriage or just something monogamous without a piece of paper) and therefore that is why I don’t believe my standards are too high. Perhaps to some they are but for me I know what I wan’t and don’t want and I refuse to settle.

Perhaps there is that small part of me that still believes in those Disney fairy tales. The fairy tales where the princess rides off into the sunset with prince charming and they live happily-ever-after. Who wouldn’t want that? Okay, so not everyone wants that or believes in that but I do and I’m sticking to it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being single. I’ve been single for some time now and it’s been great. But, at the same time, I’ve always been one who believes in love, wants love, had a great love once, and am looking for one again. I am a believer in fairy tales and while I don’t expect to literally ride off into the sunset with my prince charming, I do look forward to finding my soul mate and well, living happily-ever-after, on our own terms, however that may be.

Not everyone longs to find true love, their “other half”, and that is totally okay. But for me and seeing people in my own family (and friends) experience that feeling of true love/happily-ever-after I can’t help but feel I am meant for that too–and it’s what I want. But until then begs the question of where do I meet my so-called “prince charming”?

Can I still meet guys at the bar? Or am I past that? I personally think I am beyond that stage of my life now but perhaps I am wrong. I am curious, people who are reading this–where are twenty something women my age meeting people?

If you have any ideas on where to meet people I’d like to know. It obviously isn’t my life mission to pin point my prince charming this very second but, it’s certainly something I am interested in happening at some point. In mean the time the hunt for a job continues and hopefully saving up enough money to have my own place again. It’s best to just live life in the moment, right?

Until next time…

– Ana