Every Day Is A Fresh Start…

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Hello, it’s me…

Remember me? It’s been over a year since I last published a blog post on here, and who knows since the last time I even visited my blog to make sure it wasn’t hacked or something and there weren’t embarrassing photos of me circulating on the internet.

Oh wait, that’s all of my pics. Ha. Kidding.

Well, so, where the hell do I even begin? The last blog post I talked about how I had handled the anniversary of my breakup with my previous boyfriend and how life was going at my latest job, Jackson National.

Flash forward to 2020… and here we are in the middle of a pandemic. The me a year ago could have never saw this pandemic. No one could have. But, back to that in a minute.

Let me first catch everyone up on what else happened in 2019 prior to shit hitting the fan in 2020. So, life happened as it was supposed to, I guess. Nothing too exciting that I at this very moment can think of. Part of it is, now that we are all on quarantine and I am working from home, all of the days are turning into one big blur. So, pardon me for not remembering all of 2019 now, lol, and for any spelling/grammar errors that may appear in this post. I’ll write now, edit later. Bear with me, too, I am writing this post being as basic can be with a glass of wine to the of my laptop.

Ah, yes, laptop. Why of course, yes, I do have a beautiful, brand spankin’ new desktop in my office in my HOME that I could certainly being utilizing, but, seeing as I spend 37.5 hours, sometimes more already outside of work, in that room and on that desktop, I figured I would set up shop in my kitchen at table on my old laptop, which is really only good now for Zooming with friends.

Anyway, 2019 highlights included… me turning 29, woo, last year of my 20s; the birth of my latest niece, Minah; celebration of my sister and cousin’s 45th birthdays up north, which, honestly, was probably the highlight of my year because it was THAT fun; holidays, etc… the usual. And obviously, totes more, and if I forgot anything else spectacular, I do apologize.

And… a new relationship bloomed! Whoa. Huh. What. Who? Me? Who would have thought? Yes. The start of what would become official Jan. 4, 2020. 😉 Yes, I decided to quit feeling sorry for myself and realize that what my family and friends have told me all along is that a) I do deserve someone great and will find said person and b) that I will find that person when the time is right.

Well, it turns out, I had found him back in 2016, when I started my job at The Argus-Press. Sports editor. Sat right across from him. But, we didn’t become official until much later. Too long of a story that I am sure my boyfriend does not care to have me re-hash on social media.

Anyway, let me tell you, my heart has been on a whole other level since such a great human being really made me realize that good guys do exist out there and that I am worthy of one. And man, without even trying or wanting to, he turned me into a big sap. A big puddle of mush that always gushes about him any chance I can get.

But hear me out, to each their own. For y’all that have followed me on this blog for awhile know that most of my blog posts have been about the demise of my previous relationship and the aftermath of it. It took me awhile, a long while, to get over him.

Looking back now, I feel silly I let myself feel so down about how and why things ended, but, everything happens for a reason for me, it ultimately did help that I let myself feel the grief, if you will, of saying goodbye to a relationship on someone I fell in love with once long ago.

Of course, now slightly older and feeling more wise, I to this day do not regret my past relationships. Did I contribute to us breaking up? Certainly. Honestly, I felt a lot of insecurity, some of which I still unfortunately feel today, that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of the guy I was dating — even though, in hindsight, our relationship was often tumultuous and probably wasn’t the best slate for basing my relationships on moving forward.

But, again, not bashing my past relationship(s). I thank those men for teaching me that he wasn’t the one. And that I wasn’t the one for them. Was I hurt/devastated/angry/sad when we broke up? Oh, yes. But, as time has gone on, I’ve learned it takes much more effort to be mad and dislike or even hate someone than it does to simply forgive them and move on. So eventually, I did.

I forgave him. I forgave myself for acting the way I did, but also forgave myself for allowing myself to think that that’s who was meant for me.

Flash forward to this relationship… It’s going to sound so cliche, but, I really feel like the happiest girl in the world. And, here I am turning into a sap, yet again — or maybe it’s the red wine I’m finally feeling — haha — but, I do sometimes feel like it’s a dream because, how on Earth could I snag a man as wonderful as him?

I won’t bore you with the mushy details of why I think my boyfriend is all of that and a bag of chips, although, if you really want to know — go check out my Instagram — that’s where I post my occasional “boyfriend brags,” lol. Sorry, Ryan!

Moving along…

Back in November 2019 was my one year anniversary at Jackson and coming up in just a few weeks on May 4, 2020, (oh, May the Fourth be with me! LOL) will be my year and a half anniversary. It truly amazes me how fast my time has flown by at Jackson. I guess it’s true, time flies when you’re having fun. I really have enjoyed my time working at Jackson and becoming good friends with my coworkers. I am happy to be back working and living in my hometown, which brings me to latest update from 2020…

As of January 31, 2020, I became a first time homeowner. Can you believe it? Yes! I looked at houses for couple of months, not too many, but, then I finally found the one meant for me. And now, more so than ever, am I relieved my realtor was able to make magic happen and have me close when I did because otherwise, my house hunt would have been put on hold for who knows how long due to the current pandemic.

It was an interesting experience. I looked on Zillow a lot for houses within my price range and it seemed as soon as I found one I liked and texted my realtor that we were interested, the next day it was sold. It was crazy. But, at least I found one and closed one day and literally moved the next day. I still have long-term projects to work on — the main one being painting, with the help of my dad and grandpa, etc. when the stay at home order and lifted and things can return to normal — or, our new normal. My dad talked about remodeling my kitchen, but, my mom and I don’t hate it nor feel it needs it so, we’ll see if that is actually something that happens. I am also trying to find a new couch to buy for my living room that won’t cost me a freakin’ arm or a leg, as well as eventually a new coffee table and entertainment center for living room. Other items I would like longer down the road are to buy a day bed for my guest room and to finish the now partially-finished basement. I’m sure between now and who knows I’ll find other, smaller, but still important things I want to accomplish, but, truth be told, I’ve been successful in making my house feel like my home as much as I could so far.

Of course, being a homeowner comes with its own set of challenges, which, in all of my almost 30 years I haven’t had to deal with personally, lol. Like: mowing my lawn; shoveling snow in my driveway and sidewalk — woof; changing my address on my license; updating all of my mailing/billing addresses for banking info/credit card; myriad other things. It’s been a learning curve. And thankfully, I guess thankfully, the weather here has been so back and forth that I haven’t had to worry too much about mowing my lawn but, now we’re at a point where, well, I need to get myself a lawnmower ASAP. Baby steps. Also, if you know of any local lawn care places that can hook me up once the stay at home order is lifted, let your girl know. 😉

Well, I guess that’s all for now. Outside of work I’ve been watching TV, Netflix; Zooming with friends and family; drinking wine; napping; coloring; keeping my therapy appointments via telehealth, which has been detrimental to making sure I don’t lose my mind by being cooped up inside. No shame in sharing that and I believe more people should be more willing, if able to, give it try if needed. #MentalHealthMatters #MentalHealthAwareness

P.S. If you have any additional ideas outside of the ones I’ve posted above about how I can make sure to not lose my sanity during this time, leave a comment below. 🙂 Thanks in advance.

Anyway, until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don’t want…

Happy New Year, readers!

We’re two days into 2019 and I thought with the kick off of a new year, I’d share some highlights of what I’ve been up to lately and my goals/resolutions of sorts that I have for this year.

So the last time I blogged was back in October, right before the one year anniversary of my breakup with my ex-boyfriend. It came and went as expected; I believe I went out the night of to distract myself and have fun. I tell ya, and I know I’ve said it countless times before, but I wouldn’t get through the tough times without my friends (OK, and of course, family, too).

Anyway, the day came and went and I always kept thinking about the day we broke up and the time we spent dating in the back of my mind every now and then, determined to finally get over him and the situation. Of course, like I’ve also said countless times before — that’s much easier said than done.

After that came and passed, I didn’t spend too much dwelling over it because, well, I had something very, very exciting to look forward to — a new full-time job! I was offered and accepted a position at Jackson National Life. The position is totally opposite of my former job as a reporter but let me tell you, I absolutely love it. I am so beyond happy and was absolutely thrilled to have been offered a position in my hometown, something that has always been my goal. Saturday marks two months since I started working there and I am so beyond eager and excited to see what the next 10 months (until my one year work anniversary) and beyond hold for me. I have a feeling it’s going to be great.

In addition to that, I spent my holidays with all my loved ones, family and friends — my friends and I did a friendgiving dinner and Christmas party gift exchange, which my cousin and his girlfriend — my best friend — were gracious enough to host at their house.

Soon enough the new year was here and right before it arrived, I met up with my ex-boyfriend.

*Cue the silence*

Yup.

We both got invited to a mutual friend’s going away party and before I knew it, we agreed to meet up beforehand for dinner.

Let me tell you how I felt…

Well, at first, I was honestly speechless. After having not seen each other for more than a year and barely talking on social media outside of that, I wasn’t sure how to feel about meeting up with an old flame.

Alright, so maybe I did. Honestly, albeit maybe even a bit (or a lot?) pathetically I had dreamed/imagined about what it would be like if we ever saw each other or hung out with one another. I tried my best not to give it too much thought, though, sort of, because based on the few conversations we had had it just didn’t seem like a likely scenario.

But, cue to the week before the party and we agreed to meet right before the party the day of. Honestly, I tried not to hold my breath because I just had this gut feeling tell me things would fall through. But, as the day of the party approached, he messaged me to ask if I still would like to get together. I did my best to play cool (lmao) and agreed. But what would we do — coffee, drinks, dinner?

I had already had a coffee shortly before we met up so we agreed on dinner. The next question was, though, where would we go? I being the indecisive person I am, let him decide and of course he just happened to pick my favorite restaurant. Not sure if he even knew that, but I was both thrilled and confused as to what, if anything, it meant. Although, based on how things went into the night and next day, I don’t think it meant much, if anything.

We agreed to meet at the restaurant and I arrived early, texting my friends I felt sick to my stomach. Why? What was I so nervous about? Oh, I don’t know because I was going to see my ex-boyfriend who I hadn’t seen in more than a year and didn’t end on the best terms with at the time. I really didn’t I think could do it. Yes, me, a grown ass woman (who deep down knows I don’t need a man and shouldn’t be freaking out over an old flame) was panicking about how things would go. How would we greet each other? What would we talk about? Would we even talk at all or simply sit there awkwardly and stare at each other?

As it turns out, you can’t let shit like that bother you. It went fine. And our greeting with a hug took me back to a good time when we used to date. I guess, yes, old feelings came flooding back but as I had told myself numerous times before and he made clear — we were just friends. Dinner went fine and smooth; us catching each other up on what the other has been up to over the past year. Even learned of a short-term girlfriend he had and honestly, I wasn’t bothered. The younger me would have been, as silly and ludicrous as it is, but as time has gone on, and what I remind myself of all the time — is that time does heal wounds. I was happy that he was happy.

Following dinner we rode to the going away party together and again, I still had those old feelings in the air, feeling both happy and sad at how much had changed since we first met and even started dating. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice, but as the night went on it felt like we could have been a couple, which threw me for a loop because I know realistically we can’t. And I was even more sure of that by the end of the night and New Year’s Eve.

It’s not to say I wouldn’t maybe date him again — or, that was my thought until Monday. Something about it being a new year and having had a chance to see him again after so long — made me more determined now than ever, to let him go. Maybe some day we can be friends or lovers again, but for now, I need and so badly want to focus on my exciting future both personally and professionally. I’m ready to give my all, my love, to a man who’s just as motivated to give the same back to me. Someone who is as certain about me as I am about them.

Remember ladies and men, know your worth and don’t let anyone treat you like you’re less than.

Anyway, something about the clock striking midnight had me feeling so excited, even more so than in years past. I don’t know exactly what it was, what my pinpoint was for my happiness and eagerness but I know one thing for sure, this year is going to be MY year. I have hope for this year that I’ll excel in my job, make new friends and meet new people to possibly date. Aaaaand eventually get around to actually working out in addition to eating healthier.

Life is too short to not take advantage of what it throws at us, good or bad. The bad times make us stronger and more appreciative and the good times are memories you’ll be able and want to cherish forever.

Who knows, too, maybe, just maybe my Mr. Right will appear in my life. Cheesy and cliche, I know. But at the same time — I think it’s about my time. I’ve been patient enough in waiting for love so bring it in 2019! LOL! Even if I don’t find Mr. Right this year, there is always next. And dating in the mean time should be fun. As Old Dominion sings…

“You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart.”

So no matter what your new solutions are, or whatever you’re letting go of and saying goodbye to in 2019, maintain the positive attitude that life will reward you with something new.

Until next time, readers…

XO,

Anamaria

A lot can happen in a year…

Five months. Boy, do I really know how to maintain a blog.

Oops!

Well, regardless, here I am at the beginning of a new month and a few weeks into a new season: fall.

I like fall, and a new season in general, but if I’m being completely honest, the shorter amount of sunlight during the fall/winter days makes me not at my peak of happiness.

I don’t believe I have actual seasonal affective disorder and to be clear, I’m certainly not saying there is anything wrong with those who suffer from it.

Then again, this month marks something of somewhat significance. OK, I shouldn’t say somewhat because it was an experience that meant a lot to me and one I cared for deeply, and unfortunately it didn’t turn out how I had hoped for.

I’ve talked about it before — the last time being in May, which was coincidentally also the last time I blogged at all — that time about how I had felt like I moved on. Now, that wasn’t entirely false. I had, I did. But slowly old feelings re-emerged and I realized maybe I hadn’t given myself quite enough time to grieve my heartache like I should have. Of course, the saying goes, it takes half the time you dated someone to move on from them, and in May it had been half the time. But, now in a matter of days (Oct. 12 to be exact), it’ll mark one year since I said goodbye to another chapter of my life in hopes one day I might be able to open that door again, if only even in the form of a friendship. But, eventually would I learn the truth that some things can never go back to the way they were.

And that’s a cold, hard truth.

And it’s not a surprise, nothing new. I’ve said goodbye to former flames and even friends without reconciliation, but even as I’ve gotten older, I realized it never quite gets easier because of that. Especially in the day and age of social media and how advance it has become, like Facebook reminding you of past memories of every day of the year. Yeah, great for most memories but not like the night when you treated your now ex-boyfriend to an expensive dinner only to have you guys break up an hour afterward. (Actual true story, by the way.)

I guess I’ve always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think in my mind it was my thought process that a person needed to change (I thought they should) and that if they did, everything would go back to the way it was. But, I learned that that isn’t reality and we can’t make people change — especially those who don’t think they need nor want to change. Plus, maybe it’s not even that we think people need to change, but that in our mind we become so consumed with that thought because it’s the only way we can wrap our mind about why said person left our life to begin with and wondering what we could have done to make them stay.

But get this — and people have and I know will continue to tell me this until I find my Mr. Right, or even if I simply close the door to a friendship — that what’s meant to be, will be. It can be so easy for us to become attached to a human, think that they’re beyond right for us, only to be faced with the cold hard truth that, said person leaving your life isn’t doing it to be mean, but simply because said person knows they’re not meant for your life.

For me, that’s a particular hard pill to swallow. Which, in all honesty it shouldn’t be as I feel I have personally written people off for a lot less — people I originally wanted so badly to stay in my life.

And those people who have done what I do/did to those leaving mine, trying desperately to do whatever I can to keep that person. I try my best for one more chance, only to be told it isn’t going to happen… like ever (hey, T-Swift); just like others have asked me for another chance, whether intentionally or subtly, I must and have to close a door.

What I’ve learned about breakups and ends of friendships is that even though they suck, I have been beyond blessed to be surrounded by loved ones, both friends and family, who offer a shoulder to cry on or lend a listening ear. They let you say you miss said person, that you want to see and talk to said person, only afterward to be that good friend or family member and remind you of everything you have to offer to someone who will actually cherish it.

Sure, we all can fall into these funks, especially when we’re hit with a new season that comes with less daylight and messes with our serotonin, the happy, feel good chemical our brain releases. But, like the time it actually happened, the breakup of a significant other or a friend, we find ourselves relying on our loved ones to get us through and remind us we’re strong; we’re capable of overcoming our feelings of sadness and loss; and most definitely will find another person to fall in love with or create an everlasting friendship with.

And like I’ve said before, while breakups in particular suck, no matter how long or little you two dated, or even how long ago the split was, in my opinion I will forever be grateful to have loved and lost rather than to never have loved at all.

So for those of you reading this who have mourned a romantic breakup or end of a friendship, know the storm doesn’t last forever. It’s so cliche, but like I mentioned earlier, I felt peace at one point before and I know in time, especially when this one year anniversary is over this month and a new season comes upon us — preferably spring/summer — I’ll be back to feeling 100 percent how I was before I even began the relationship or friendship.

It’s not just a matter of time healing all wounds, it’s a matter of changing your mindset to “I know I will be OK. I was OK before said relationship and I know I can and will be OK afterward.” Things happen in life that we don’t always agree with, but I believe they ultimately happen for a reason (even if it takes us awhile to fully understand that reason) and shape us into the person we are meant to be.

And trust me, there are far worse things in life to be sad about than someone not liking you. Their loss! Am I right or am I right?

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye…

Call me crazy but, I love love love.

I’ve been in love before, and I hope, pray and know I’ll fall in love again. But, when?

Here I am X amount of years after a relationship wondering when and where, not if, I’ll meet my Mr. Right a.k.a. Prince Charming.

You’re probably wondering why I’m even rambling about this on a Monday night at 11 o clock. LOL! Just thinking about my weekend encounter when I tried to TALK to another human being of the opposite sex. 😂 LMAO! But more about that later on in this post…

Okay, so maybe I sound like some young, naive girl who still believes in “fairytales”. But that’s just it–I don’t still believe in fairytales. I just have and always will. Quite frankly, I don’t see what’s wrong with that?

Moving to a new state a few months ago I thought the dating scene might improve, meaning I’d have more selection and variety or, that I would just be more willing and able to give chances to people, without regard to where I meet them (online or in person). I come across men when I’m out at the bars back home and come across men all the time when I’m out in the field working; although the latter isn’t the appropriate time or place to meet eligible bachelor men. Lol. Anyway…

But, while meeting a cute guy at the bar and trying my best not to be awkward, I can’t help but think it’s his loss if he thinks in the end my awkwardness is too weird/a turn off anyway. Hell, maybe he is just interested in a hook-up, which, sure, on one hand doesn’t sound all that bad if I was still in college and in general, younger, but, at 26 I’m just no longer into it. Or maybe I just need to brush on my skills on how to flirt and not be awkward. LOL! HALP!

But look, I am a real adult now. Or you know, am for the most part. 😂 I live in a completely different town and state than where I grew up my whole life. I have a cute little two bedroom apartment that feels like home (to the best of my ability), and, am finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do–be a reporter. Thankfully I’m in love with my job but, I don’t want that to be my whole life.

Like I said above, and I’ve said before: I love love. I am fortunate to have experienced it once before, despite it not working out in the end, because I am a firm believer, and I think probably was before experiencing it myself–it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I don’t know whether it’s based solely on personal experience or from me watching fairytale movies whether they’re Disney or adult rom-coms, but, I definitely do believe love exists and believe I, too, am meant to fall in love again, at least (hopefully) once more.

Before I fell in love for my first time when I was 17 I thought people could only fall in love once. And I think a part of me thought that because I thought my (then) boyfriend and I would get that “happily-ever-after” I had always dreamed of. But when we broke up, and at that (still somewhat young) age, I wasn’t able yet to recognize that everything happens for a reason. Yes, it broke my heart and I was devastated, and didn’t think I would be able to love again or move on at the time–but, as time went on and I got older, I realized not just my life but, any person in general who has had their heart broken, has so much more to gain and learn about themselves and life in general in the “healing” and “moving on” process.

I didn’t see it at first at the time as I truly thought my world and life as I knew it was over but, I am thankful and grateful for having been able to love and experienced my own heartbreak for I would not be the woman I am today–the woman I was meant to be–without having experienced it.

But, flash forward to now–here I am at 26 years old, more than ready to fall in love again. I hope to not experience heartbreak again but should life have it happen that way then I accept it. Plus, I know heartbreak can come in forms beyond just love, and thankfully based on my past experience I can now accept it better should it happen again.

But at my age and my status in life–living and working in a completely new area–where is one to find a nice, single, decent guy?

I’m sure some people reading this think I’m being too picky. And sure, maybe I am. But, I believe so deeply and passionately about love, that I want to date, hell–hopefully marry–someone who feels just the same. Love is much too precious to me to be thrown around so casually. I don’t despise people who throw the word around loosely but, I personally wouldn’t throw it around loosely at my age and in this day. Because like I said, I was able to experience love firsthand myself at once before. And the age I was doesn’t affect my feelings and belief towards it. Some people may shake their head in disbelief that I could feel such a way at 17 but, as someone whose own parents are high school sweethearts and got married when they were that age, I think it’s perfectly fine and acceptable for me to feel and think the way I do.

And while I haven’t yet found that special someone, that doesn’t go to say I haven’t tried. Like I mentioned above, I’ve tried “meeting” people out at the bar–I.e. Us both tips-ily (if that was a real word, lol) flirting or simply talking with one another but, it didn’t extend beyond a casual exchange of numbers and one polite follow up text the next day.

And then of course there’s the whole world of online dating. Where do I begin with that? I am a supporter of online dating and definitely don’t see anything weird, or “abnormal” about it like some others may view it as. But, to be honest, I think my in-person awkwardness translates to the online world, too, lol. Again, some may say I’m being too picky but, I can’t imagine not setting the bar high enough and ending up with a “Barney”. (See: Clueless) I for one value education dearly, and while I understand and accept some people go on to live fantastic, perfectly great lives without a college degree, etc. I want someone who can atleast appreciate the effort of trying. If there’s another thing I learned in life it’s that nothing worth having comes easy. I am thankful to have parents who showed me that hard work will allow you to be successful and provide an opportunity for growth. I am proud of myself, and for both my parents and my entire family, for always being my cheerleaders along the way, pushing my to finish college strong, or any goal for that matter, regardless of how long it took–like to graduate. (I took an extra 5th year but, I finished)

I want to date someone who has that same motivation and determination I did and do, whether or not there’s a group of cheerleaders behind him. But of course, I do hope he does have a great support system, because that’s just as important to me.

You see, I am close with my family. I love my family and truly can’t imagine calling any other group of people my family. I am blessed and fortunate enough to be the youngest of six kids and have several nieces, nephews, great-nieces, etc. And that’s another huge thing for me when looking for Mr. Right, a.k.a. my Prince Charming–they have to value family as much as me. The truth is, if you don’t have family at the end of the day, who else can you lean and rely on?

I could go on and on about the qualities I look for in a guy. Sure, like I said, some people may say I’m too picky or this, this or that, but, at the end of the day I am happy with my life, working my dream job, and experiencing this new town and city. Obviously I would love to find a companion to share in this crazy adventure with me but, until then I’ll enjoy the ride solo.

So until next time…

XO,

Ana

Where there is love there is life…

It’s 11 o’clock on a Thursday night, thinking I should be exhausted from a long work week, but am not.

This week’s been super short due to having Monday off as well as getting an early release yesterday and the whole day off today due to the weather. So, today I decided to be somewhat productive–after, of course, I got caught up on my TV shows I’ve missed these past few weeks.

So, my hair wand styling tool decided to quit working so naturally I had to go buy a new one, right? Which I did, at Sally’s, and then after that I went to Target to print off some pictures to update the ones currently in my frame on the wall. But you know when it comes to Target it’s never just one thing you LEAVE Target with. No, no, no. I also had on my list of things to buy: nylons, a candle to go in my new candle holder I bought in Nashville and deodorant. But, did I leave with just that? Of course not. Why? Because Target is a trap and that’s what they do to you–make you leave its store with not only what you actually came for but a lot more as well. And sometimes you don’t even leave with what you came for–you just leave with 50 other things you definitely DIDN’T need. But, that’s another story, and not the point of this one.

So, I get home to put away my new stuff only to realize that I must organize some other things in my room to make space for the new stuff. As I start moving things around and dusting, I realize just how much stuff I have. Random stuff. Random stuff I don’t need, but, find myself always clinging on to because deep down I think I might be a hoarder. Not literally but, sometimes I wonder…

Anyway… So I am cleaning through stuff and putting a lot of stuff in a bag for my aunt to donate to the food bank she works at. Among the stuff I am going through I come across some old memories. Memories that made me smile and others that made me wish some people were still alive and physically here. But, more importantly, it made me realize how much I have changed and grown from a young girl to a young woman–someone, in my opinion, who is much different than the girl who used to wear white eyeliner and had those two pieces of random hair hanging in front of her face.

Oh yes, I was that girl. I used to be. Can you even picture it? (I have pictures to prove it, but, I’ll leave it to you using your imagination, lol) But, my point is, is that the woman who I I pictured myself to be one day when I grew up, isn’t who I am. It’s not an entirely bad thing, and now that I am older I understand “everything happening for a reason”, but, I am wondering just how long it will take me to understand the reasoning for why my life is actually the way it is versus how I imagined it to me.

I’m not saying I have a bad life, because I definitely do not. But, the younger me pictured the NOW me to be working my dream career as a journalist, being married and living with my future husband… Having and living that happily-ever-after. But guess what? That’s not my current reality. It’s definitely still my dream, but, I’m wondering why it hasn’t come true yet. Like, why did my life plan/goals not play how exactly how I wanted them to? I’ll never know.

love

So, focusing on the present, I still want to somehow make that dream of mine come true. Sure, it won’t match the timeline I had envisioned for myself when I was younger but if there’s another thing I learned in addition to everything happening for a reason, it’s my soulmate is out there some where. Probably sounds pretty crazy to some but, I firmly believe that the “man of my dreams” is out there just waiting to meet me.

Okay, so I sound like a cheesy romance movie or trashy romance novel but, you know what, I not only believe in love but, I LOVE love. Is it just me, or…?

I love the idea of love, the meaning of it and how it affects people–and not just romantically. It’s an amazing thing to experience by giving and receiving it.

Well, I for one am all about giving it. Now, if only I could find a man who would be willing to receive it and give it back…

Alright, so I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts that I’ve been playing the single field for some time now and while in college there were countless possibilities of eligible bachelors, I spent my time focused on school, other things.

Looking back now, I think maybe in the back of my mind I thought my then ex and I might get back together, or, maybe I just felt like trying to find a man on a college campus was asking for too much (and I was being too picky), but, for whatever reason, I just didn’t hook anyone with my bait, if you will. LOL. Well, flash forward to over a year and a half since I’ve graduated and moved back to my hometown, trying to land a full-time job in my field, I wonder, now where am I supposed to meet people?

Through mutual friends? The bar? Online? By chance?

I’ve experienced all of the above but, none have panned out… Which, makes me wonder and question–Am I seriously going to be single forever?

Okay, so it sounds a little crazy but, try to understand that I’ve been single for a loooong time. Okay, so sure, there are people out there who live their whole lives being single and are totally fine. And people who haven’t been single their whole lives but still have been single longer than me.

But, like I mentioned above, I love love, and I want love. I want that head-over-heels kind of love, and I truly believe I’m meant to experience and have it. Others might not agree but, it doesn’t matter what they think–only what I do.

But I wonder after trying to meet men through mutual friends, at the bar, and by chance, where in the world AM I supposed to meet them?

Is there some way/somewhere I completely missing, simply just having bad luck or destined to be single for forever?

Now, there are a couple things I must share in regards to online dating, as it was brought to my attention when one of my friends posted it to her social media last week. She made some very valid points and I agreed with almost all of them. But, then it got me to thinking… Maybe that’s what was deterring men from me and vice versa? Not to say that’s what the case was for her though, no.

But the points she made about online dating were as follows (not exact word-for-word) and they just made me think, WOW! BAM! Nailed it on the head…

Disclaimer: I am in no way dissing online dating. I’ve been on sites in the past and am on some right now.

  1. A first impression is everything. Before you even message me you better have some clear, solid pictures of YOU. I don’t mind if you have some pictures with your friends, as I do too, but, if you don’t have at least one, preferably two, pictures that clearly shows who you are then… Don’t waste your time messaging me. Online dating is hard enough and I don’t want to spend the extra time trying to figure out what man is you. Also, if you have a girl in your picture and you don’t say who she is then… Yeah, sorry, a turn off for me. AND also… The weird blur outs or “stickers” over people’s faces too=WEIRD. Or if you don’t have ANY pictures=EVEN WEIRDER. But anyway, moving on…
  2. Physical appearances aren’t and shouldn’t be everything but, let’s face it, it does play a role in relationships, and especially in the online dating world. That sounds conceited but, let’s be honest. I can only assume how many guys passed over me because physically I wasn’t their type. Sure, it sucks, but, I know there are countless more guys out there to pick from who may just find me to be exactly what they’re looking for. But, same goes for me. If I don’t think there is a physical attraction, then it will be hard for me to pursue the relationship further. And I don’t just say this in regards to online dating–even in real life there’s got to be some chemistry and physical attraction to the other person. Okay, so maybe I sound like a total conceited bitch, but, I know other people out there think this same thing but won’t say it. It’s fine. Moving on…
  3. If someone messages me and I don’t respond, or if I message someone and they don’t respond–what to do=MOVE ON. I’ve had a handful of guys message me, only to look at their profile afterward and see there is no way we have anything in common. I just think it’s weird, sorry. Like I mentioned above–there are plenty of people to pick from so move on to the next one in hopes that person will message you back.
  4. If you’re going to take a chance and message me (hoping you at least skimmed my profile but if not, well then) then at least have it be something substantial. For example, I got a message from someone the other day whose profile picture was a MEME and it was his ONE AND ONLY picture asking if I had Snapchat. I read it and thought, “I sure do, but, in no way in hell am I going to give you my username. Creep!” Yeah, I deleted that message real quick. Like I said, have it be something that can keep a conversation going.
  5. I will never understand why guys insist on asking/saying “how can someone as pretty/beautiful as you be single?” I don’t know, pal. YOU tell me… Enlighten me, if you will.

So, there’s definitely more I could say about online dating, but, I’m sure some people are reading this and are thinking, “Well, gee, it’s no wonder you’re still single.” Yeah, yeah, I get it. Maybe I’m being way too harsh but, if there’s something I learned from my first serious relationship is that I refuse to settle–in anything in life, but, especially in love.

…Of course I have people tell me all the time how my “Mr. Right”/”Prince Charming” will come along in my life when I’m not looking and when I least expect it but, um, hello? I’ve been trying to live that life for the past how many years and here I am… STILL SINGLE.

It’s been partly by choice, but, more recently, I’ve realized I’m ready to date someone for the long-run and maybe, hopefully, settle down with him someday. Of course, that alone probably deters some guys from dating me as not all guys are ready to settle down or are even looking for something long-term. Which is fine, too. Hell, I’d be happy if someone just wanted to take me out on a date or, simply just hang out and enjoy my company. Sure, I have amazing friends and family who are great company themselves, but, I also would like a male companion as company too.

Which begs the question… Where is a 25-year-old single woman supposed to meet people?

I’m still on the online dating scene, but, nothing seriously potential from it yet.

I’ve tried meeting people at the bar and well, everyone’s inhibitions go out the door and we all know how that goes…

I’ve met people through mutual friends and it just doesn’t pan out.

So single men and women… Where do the single people of the universe meet the others? And, how I do approach a single man?

I blog about this not just for the sake of myself, but, because I know there are other single people out there, possibly reading this, and probably (or potentially) thinking these same things.

And, well, if there aren’t, then pardon me, keep moving along…

My point of this blog is to share that I am open and ready for a relationship–but more importantly, love. As an example, my parents are high school sweethearts and have been married 40+ years and I want a love like that–that lasts forever, through good times and tough.

So, while I continue waiting for my Mr. Right/Prince Charming to come along in my life (or continue seeking him out in the form of meeting at a bar, through mutual friends, online, etc), I’ll be living my life same as always: blogging, working on reaching my ultimate career goal of becoming a reporter, eating Chipotle, drinking Starbucks and watching too much Law and Order: SVU.

I mean, if that doesn’t rock some guy’s socks off, then, I don’t know what will. LOL! 😉

Until next time…

XO,
Ana

Don’t Let Your Past Steal Your Present…

So the other night when I couldn’t sleep all I could think of was how I could be writing a really awesome blog post with all my thoughts going on.

But, clearly, it was late and the lights were off and I was under the sheets praying I would doze off soon. Anyway, I got to thinking about some recent events that took place and how the old me would be shaking her head at me but the me now, I just laugh it off–and my friends even cheered for me as I lived through my own silly experiences (that’s what I call them anyway–to some they might be considered mistakes but, in my opinion, everything happens for a reason).

I myself couldn’t even believe what my present self was doing but I realized once my friends pointed it out that I was simply being me–simply being a 25-year-old–it was normal. I am living life with no regrets and on my own terms–doing what I want to and (trying) not to be too concerned with what others think. After all, I am an adult, right? Legally we are deemed an adult at 18 so yeah, that was 7 years ago.

Anyway… Where this thought process is coming from you might be wondering? Well, a few different things. It started with one thing that lead to another thing–quite a big thing, actually, to me–and how as a result I had my grown up epiphany. Sure, I had one a few years ago when I came to terms that everything happens for a reason but this time, the present me, could accept what was really happening for what it really was–and not what I wanted it to be.

It started out at a birthday party…

I knew my ex would be there. I didn’t think much of it other than he probably wouldn’t speak to me (as he hadn’t in the past on the rare occasion we were in a place with mutual friends). But even though I knew he’d be there and I assumed he knew I would be there, I wasn’t sure how either of us would act. I knew it was better to act polite and not say anything at all rather than accidentally say something that comes off as rude or something.

So I get to dinner and we’re sitting diagonally from each other. It was slightly awkward–mostly I think because I made it so–I avoided looking over that way, but as the night went on, I couldn’t help but think how silly this whole thing was. I kept thinking, really, it’s been OVER four years–we’re both adults now–I think the least we can do is be CIVIL. Right? Well, I let the dinner continue as it was, and then the “awkwardness” there was I let linger back to my cousin’s house where my ex and I Just stood on opposite sides of the room and didn’t speak. I would have spoken sooner but the truth is, I didn’t know what to say. I mean really, what do you say to someone, someone you used to be in love with and dated for 3 1/2 years after basically not speaking for over 4 years? I mean, really?

pastfuture

Anyway… We pregamed at my cousin’s house for a bit and finally made our way downtown to the bar. Still at the bar, my ex appeared to be stand-offish (but maybe that’s just the vibe I personally was getting) and being really quiet. Finally, I couldn’t handle it anymore–it was just too weird. So, I mustered up the courage and maturity to ask him, “Hey, how’s it going?” From there I thought the rest of the night went great.

Even after that, we hung out and caught up about our lives over the past couple of years and it was fine, it was great. I felt like a new leaf had truly turned as we were talking as just friends and like we didn’t have this dramatic past. Not that we both didn’t know it had actually happened but, in that moment, we were able to be mature about it and say it just didn’t work out but that we were both happy for each other now.

Of course after that, without going into too much detail here, I think we both came to realize that we probably can’t be friends. After all, we haven’t spoken to each other in over a week and the last time we talked I just got this bad vibe. I’m not really sure what exactly happened, but, despite the fact we may not talk again, I do feel better–I feel as I got some type of closure on my behalf that I felt in a way I never got four years ago and deep down needed. But it’s funny–some were worried I might go back to my old ways with him–which I suppose I could have but, at the same time I am more confident in saying that when one door closes, another one opens. And, when that one door closes, you leave it closed. So, we may never talk–and yeah it sucks, and that COULD change (never say never), where we can talk and be cordial or friends again but for now, I must leave the door to that conversation and experience closed. If it opens again it’s for a reason. But for now, it’s also closed for a reason.

I share this because I myself know and have seen how much I have grown up since that first heartbreak of mine. My closest friends and of course my family, saw how much it tore me apart. And I won’t lie that it did. I found it embarrassing at first but, you know what, I’m the type of woman who would rather have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I think everyone at some point experiences a serious heartbreak–whether it’s their first or fifth. I don’t regret us falling apart and breaking up because I learned a lot from that relationship and about not only what I want and don’t want in a future boyfriend (turned husband) but about myself. I’ve grown up not just physically but emotionally. I definitely would not be the woman I am today if it weren’t for that tried-and-failed relationship, as well as other tried-and-failed mistakes. Not to say that relationship was a mistake but rather a lesson learned. I’ve learned other things outside of my relationship the hard way and while it has sucked and made me mad, sad and unhappy–I realize it happened for a reason and I am who I am today because of those experiences.

Some people might frown upon my mistakes or not approve of the decisions I make in life but, I am 25-years-old and that’s what part of my job in life is to do–live, make mistakes, and learn from them. Sure, I was taught a lot of things, if not, EVERYTHING, from my parents about how to AVOID mistakes but, I’m only human and that’s what we humans do. And I won’t apologize it. For those who have a problem with how I live my life well, that’s their problem–not mine.

Sure, I may still live at home, be single and spend too much money on clothes. Which, really, I probably shouldn’t be announcing to the world but you know what, it won’t last forever. This is a phase of my life (the living at home and being single–the money/clothes thing is my own issue) and someday I’ll be in a different one.

A lot of times I put this immense amount of pressure on myself to not live at home or be single since a lot of other people my age and that I personally know are out on their own and dating or getting engaged and married and even having kids.

It’s funny though, a certain someone, like the certain someone above, said we probably couldn’t date again anyway because I don’t want kids. Well, I’ve been adamant about that for a long time, and say it repeatedly any time someone mentions kids (their own, hell), but, like so many people continue to tell me–MAYBE, just MAYBE, one day I’ll change my mind. Not that I would change my mind just for this certain someone but, for me, right now, at this very point in my life–I have other priorities. I have my own plan/dreams/goals that I want to reach–I want to establish myself in my career and save up to eventually move out on my own and along the way start settling down with someone–date someone exclusively. I am the type of woman where I want to be exclusive with one man–not go out on “dates” with several different men. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that by any means but I’m just not that type of person. I’m too awkward for that, LOL. I just need someone who can handle and admire my awkwardness for what it is AND also accept my “unique” family. LOL! 😉 We’re not your typical family–far from it–and someone has to be pretty damn awesome and willing to accept that. 🙂

So I guess for now I’ll continue doing what I am doing… Being thankful I have a job, even if it’s not my final career goal, have awesome friends who support me and my crazy adventures/experiences and don’t judge (lol) and have an AMAZING family who could NEVER be replaced–and also don’t judge.

I’ve made mistakes, and I’ll continue as I continue living this life of mine but, at the end of the day, it’s really only MY opinion that matters of myself. Am I right?

Anyway…

Just had some random thoughts I wanted to share in hopes in that maybe some way others could relate to it but, even if it not, I still got it off my chest.

So until next time…

XOXO,

-Ana

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