The adoption took time, the love arrived instantly…

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You may not know this but, I’m adopted.

In honor of November being National Adoption Awareness Month and Saturday being National Adoption Day, I thought I would share a bit about my own adoption story…

I was adopted when I was four months old from Guatemala.

I grew up in a home with five siblings—three brothers and two sisters.

Some times, although not all, people will see my family and me out in public and have this look about them that says, “They’re related?”

Going along with this, I more times than not get asked the same question individually, to which my answer is always ‘yes.’

But how? Their puzzled face reads.

Most of the time, especially to this day when I get asked, I just simply say yes and leave it at that. I don’t offer them the details of my whole life story.

It’s not that I am ashamed of being adopted by any means, but, there’s just some people who I simply don’t feel the need or want to share my story with, especially if and when I get the vibe that they’re being just nosy.

Being an adoptee is a great thing.

Not that being not adopted isn’t great, but I love, when I want to, being able to share my story with others, especially those around the world who may be contemplating adoption at some point in their life. I want to raise awareness about the option of adoption.

Being adopted can bring unsolicited advice and comments from time to time, most of which I can usually shrug off while, other times I think, “Why on Earth would someone ask me something like that?”

I’ve gotten the typical comments of “Your parents didn’t love you,” You weren’t wanted,” and other variations of the like.

Of course, at times, especially when I was younger, those words might have hurt. Now, as a grown woman, I practically laugh because for my biological parents, I’d say it was one of the most loving things they could do for me. I don’t know them, but I can only imagine that both my parents and other adoptee’s parents want what’s best for them, something to which they perhaps thought they couldn’t provide.

What my birth parents did was selfless. It was loving. It was likely the hardest decision they ever had to make.

Of course, this thought brings along the unsolicited question of: “Would you ever want to meet your birth parents?”

That’s a tricky one.

On one hand, yes, I have certainly thought about it, but from having my own conversations with family members and other adoptees outside of my family, it’s not at the top of my priority list.

My family now and which I grew up with, is my family. Now, naturally I am a curious person and have wondered a time or two if I have more siblings, and if my birth parents are even alive, but for the most part, other than to find out medical history, perhaps, I don’t have a burning desire to meet my birth parents.

Why?

Well, because like I said above, my family now is my family. And I personally just think it would be weird, awkward, uncomfortable. Now that doesn’t mean I have any issue with other adoptees seeking out their birth family but like I said, for me, it’s just never been a burning desire of mine. I will say this though, I do hope to one day travel to Guatemala and learn more about my culture.

Going back to what life was like growing up adopted…

Well, one particular incident is what led to my best friend and I becoming just that: best friends, to which we remain today all these years later—despite her moving away in the third grade, us going to different colleges and us now living three hours apart.

My best friend, like me, is adopted. So cool, right? But that’s obviously just one perk of her being my best friend.

In second grade, I can’t recall who the student was but a student was making fun of me for being adopted. At that age, looking back now, where do kids even come up with this stuff? Of course I was upset and my friend, my best friend Erin K., stood up right away and defended me. And since then, we’ve been inseparable.

While most of my life and memories have been positive and happy, there have been some far and few in between like that time in second grade.

Another one came via telephone a few years back, much older than I was in second grade. One of my mom’s “friends” (I say this loosely because, I don’t consider her the definition of a real friend but, that’s for another time, LOL) called our house. I answered and she immediately started talking to me as if she thought I was my mom. I quickly interrupted her and told her I wasn’t my mom, to her which her response was:

“You guys sound so much alike, which is weird since you two aren’t genetically related.”

My jaw dropped to the floor. I couldn’t believe someone, especially a grown adult who is supposedly my mom’s friend, would even think to say something like that and think it’s OK. She’s lucky I didn’t just hang up on her right then and there.

But, overall, like I said, being an adoptee has been awesome. I love that I have a diverse family because it makes me appreciate those different than me that much more.

I am the youngest of six kids. My two sisters are our parent’s biological children/Caucasian, while my brothers are adopted/from Korea. Talk about diversified. 🙂

Nowadays I find the look on people’s faces more funny than rude, and whenever people ask me where I’m from and I say, “Michigan,” for the sake of not having to divulge my entire back story, I get the puzzled look to which I respond by moving ahead in the conversation.

For the most people, people will let it be and let it go, while others question me and ask, “No, really? Where are you really from?” I just smile and say, That is where I’m from. 😉

So, if you’re someone out there reading this and didn’t know much or anything about adoption before and what it means for us adoptees to be adopted, I hope this opened your eyes. And I hope it inspires you to broaden your horizons and seek out other adoption stories in honor of #NationalAdoptionAwarenessMonth.

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Problems…

Hello, November.

‘Tis the season for eagerly awaiting turkey day sure to be full of lots turkey, of course, and all the fixings.

But of course the season, and this month in particular, is about more than just the good food that’s bound to come. It’s about being thankful.

Quotes About Change And Growth Diddy Quotes Puff Daddy Success | Diddy Quotes | Sean Combs Quotes
Quotes About Change And Growth Diddy Quotes Puff Daddy Success | Diddy Quotes | Sean Combs Quotes – Daily Quote
This year, right now, I am extremely thankful for the people in my life. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have made the progress I have in just under a month after experiencing the end of a relationship I pictured for the long term.

It’s true, the saying, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” (And family, too.)

They are the ones who love you unconditionally, make you smile when you’re sad and make you cry from laughing so hard. They are the ones who, sometimes despite their best efforts to stop you from being sad, let you use their shoulder to cry on and ears to vent to. They are the ones who remind you that just because one bad experience happened to you, doesn’t mean you have a bad life.

No one said life was easy, but it doesn’t have to be hard, either. We have the power to choose our own happiness and you have to make a conscious decision to be just that, happy, every day. And that’s something I continue to work on.

If it weren’t for them, my family and friends, I wouldn’t be able to see clearly that all of my life’s experiences, whether good or bad, teach me a lesson. The good ones make me happy and give me just that, a happy experience to look back on, while the bad ones teach me how to do better for next time and that there’s something better out there waiting for me, for which I cannot wait.

Sure, I miss what was, and a part of me always will. We had good times and I’ll always cherish those. I don’t regret our relationship. He was a great guy, just not the right guy for me. I’ll always cherish our relationship as a whole, too, but I’ll also move on from it, to the next chapter of my life. This past relationship taught me a lot about myself and love. I can look back and be happy about the good times we did share but remind myself, there’s another special someone out there for me who is my Mr. Right.

So to my dear family and friends, thank you.

Thank you all, family and friends, for…

  • Allowing me to cry with non-waterproof mascara down my face on your shoulder.
  • Allowing me to vent about how I think my life sucks and it’s over but reassuring me that there are plenty more fish in the sea and a silver lining to this cloud.
  • To all the texts, Facebook and Snapchat messages checking in on me to make sure I am hanging in there, some from people I wouldn’t have expected.
  • (My two best friends) driving 45 minutes just to come see me and hang out with me the day after the break up because they knew I was a wreck.
  • (My best friend in Nashville) texting me right away asking how I was doing, because she is the testament to a true friend, one who despite hundreds of miles between us, can offer support even over iMessages, lol. 🙂
  • The women in my family: Reminding me of what I deserve and to never, ever settle — in any aspect of life, but especially relationships.
  • Continuing to lift me on those days where I can’t help but think I miss the idea of us but pointing out that some people just aren’t meant to be, and that’s OK.
  • Letting me be sad for the time being and then making sure I don’t stay in that rut and getting out there and having fun, living my life and meeting new people.
  • Most of all, just thank you for being here for me overall, not just during this tough time but through all my other tough times, as well as good times.

I recently bought this wooden sign that says:

“My friends have made the story of my life”

and that could not be more true. So to my friends and family, thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I am on the mend and I feel good about life. I am eager to see what this new month and the upcoming new year has in store for me.

Perhaps when I am fully healed I can open my heart to love again, or at least the possibility of it. I’m excited to just do things that make me happy while also enjoying the company of my loved ones, for who I am so incredibly thankful for, this month, and every other day and month of the year.

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

Enjoy the little things…

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This weather today and yesterday, yuck.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than snow in my opinion any day, but still, it just makes it a drag to get out of bed for work? Am I right?

So, I’ve decided to compile a list of things you can do after the work day while it’s still drizzly and gloomy outside…

  1. Light a candle, plop on the couch or a comfy chair and read a book. Maybe it’s a book that’s been collecting dust on your shelf (er, maybe that’s just me) or one you just bought but you’ve been so bogged down with work you haven’t had time to crack it open yet. images
  2. Journal/blog. Nothing releases pent up emotions or just random thoughts in your head like letting it all out on paper. Grab a pen or pencil and get to writing (or typing if you’re blogging.) I did this last night on my phone instead of texting people and let me tell you, I felt much better about it this morning.
  3. Create a dream board. Or in my case, a dream journal. It’s been a little bit since I’ve worked on it but when I started it I had a lot of fun. I have a bunch of old magazines that I just cut words and pictures from and pasted them in my journal. They serve as a reminder to not dwell on the little things and always keep reaching for your dreams, no matter how big or small.
  4. Watch a TV series or movie. Same as reading s book, maybe it’s one you haven’t watched or ever seen. cropped-cropped-download
  5. Sit with a cup of coffee or tea and just listen to the rain. Open the windows and just listen. And/or think. Just let whatever comes to come mind come, and then let it go, especially if it’s a negative thought.
  6. Call a friend. Think of how often you only text with a friend. Or, write a letter. Who wouldn’t love getting an old-fashioned snail mail letter? Dial that number or grab that pen and write a “just because” letter to your friend. Or perhaps even to your future self about goals you hope you accomplish. e05415757e0a2242917c7ec4685c0c8b--vintage-telephone-vintage-phones
  7. Draw, color, paint. Nothing gets the juices flowing quite like that.
  8. Do some season cleaning. It’s the fall now, so perhaps you still have a plethora of spring and summer clothes lingering in your closet or dresser and you don’t wear much of now or probably won’t ever again, so clean them out and donate them.
  9. Listen to music. Simple as that. A day without music is a day wasted, in my opinion.
  10. Take a nap. This is always number one for me on days like today but, I thought I would have a greater chance of people not reading this list until the end if I put napping as No. 1. 😉

Whatever you chose to do, make sure it’s a fun activity.

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

Be kind, be thoughtful, be genuine, but most of all, be thankful…

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I know I don’t say it enough but I have to say, I am extremely thankful to have the people I do in my life.

Whether it’s my family, best friends or acquaintances, they have proved to me in both good times and bad that I can rely on them, sometimes without me even reaching out to them first.

Reeling with a breakup is tough. I won’t be afraid to admit it that this one hurts like hell. And I know, I’m well aware I need to move on, and in time, I will.

I know I need to quit analyzing what went wrong because no matter how hard I try, it won’t ever make sense to me and I’ll likely never have a definitive answer, anyway. That’s the hard part. I hate not knowing things, the reasoning. Perhaps it’s part of my natural curiosity for things in general? Who knows…

For the longest time I never believed in “everything happens for a reason” but, as I got older, I realized that for me personally, it was the only way I could live my life. I had to believe there was a reason, even for the bad things, as to why they happened.

And I believe in it whole-heartedly now. While I may not know the answer now or ever, I must and do take comfort in knowing God must have something bigger up his sleeve for me.

I got to thinking the other day when talking with my cousin’s girlfriend about how her grandpa wants her to get married before he dies. It got me thinking to why I felt I was in such a rush to fall in love and get married and I realized that’s one of the reasons.

Of course, when I told this to my mom she said, and I of course agreed with her, that I couldn’t marry someone only for that fact. But, it definitely does play a big factor. On the other hand, I’ve wanted to fall in love and get married for as long as I can remember. I just love love. There is no simpler way for me to say it.

And while unfortunately I’ve dated frogs and haven’t found my prince yet, it was through those experiences that I learned what I will and won’t settle for when I do find true love and how thrilling and exciting it will be when I do find Mr. Right.

It also was through those experiences that I learned I do have true people in my life who I can lean on and whose shoulder I can cry on when my heart gets broken or for any other rough patch in life. People who will love me day in and day out and continue to do so no matter how many mistakes I make, or in this case, get my heartbroken and feel as though I’m not good enough.

Let me tell you, having a support system like I do is the greatest thing of all in life. I wouldn’t have made it through my past breakups, or other hardships in life, if it weren’t for my amazing friends, family and others who have gone out of their way to make sure they know I am always loved and cared for, and that my value doesn’t decrease just because of someone else’s inability to see it.

Sure, I roll my eyes — with a smile — when they tell me, because while as much as I don’t feel like I’m worth it when my heart and spirits get crushed, deep down I know it’s true, that I am loved.

Not only by them, but by God, too. I’m not a hugely religious person or anything but I do believe in God and ironically enough yesterday as I was driving back home I passed a church sign that said, “When all else fails, God loves you.”

It was a message that couldn’t have came at a better time for the situation I am dealing with right now. OK, so not all has failed me, like my mom pointed out, and that there are people beyond God who love me, but still, it was just both eerie and a nice reminder to know that I am not alone in feeling like this at the moment.

Like I said, in time I will get over this heartbreak. But it will take time. This I know.

It’s strange, though, while I am sad, I am also grateful for the experience because like I said above, it taught me what I will and will not settle for in the future. And like the quote goes,”It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

So we didn’t work out? It sucks. But the people who end up being wrong for us end up leading us to the person who is right for us. And for that I am excited.

But my point of this particular post is, is that I couldn’t get through this without my friends and family. The ones who continue to lift me up a little more each day and remind me I am worthy of someone who loves me back just as I love them.

It wasn’t my last boyfriend and that’s OK. And again, I will be OK too, in time.

For now I will continue to grieve my breakup and focus on me and doing what makes me happy alone. And then one day when I am ready, I will get back in the dating game full-swing. Because whether anyone else believes it or not, I sure do, I will fall in love some day and have my “happily-ever-after.”

So my family and friends, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly can’t say it enough for I probably would never want to get out of bed because you know me, I like to be super dramatic and believe things are way worse than they actually are. But I know there are way worse things in the world than a breakup. My breakup wasn’t the first and it won’t be my or anyone’s last.

Remember, just because one person doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean no one else loves you. Hell, even a stranger might love you but you won’t know it until you meet that “perfect” stranger. 🙂

Until next time…

XO,

Ana

Tough times don’t last, tough people do…

Another one bites the dust…

Heartbreak. Sucks, doesn’t it?

I should know, I’m dealing with one right now. On the one hand, fortunately for only the second time, or, third, if you count the second heartbreak with the same person.

But regardless of how few or many times one has experienced heartbreak, it still hurts. For some, it might not hurt as much the more they experience it. But, for others, like myself, it feels like it gets harder.

Perhaps maybe it’s because I am expecting much more than I did when I was younger and so I have a lot more to lose. Or maybe I just feel and love too much. Perhaps that’s my downfall.

Then again, maybe it’s just not all me. In fact, it’s not all me. Just like it takes two people to sustain and maintain a relationship, it really does take two people to break it.

Despite this heartbreak, though, and the one before, I still do believe in love.

Yes, I am heartbroken, sad, angry, confused. A lot of things. But, ultimately, I know, like so many people tell me and have told me countless times before, there is the man of my dreams and meant for me out there somewhere. And one day, I’ll meet him.

Perhaps it could be him, the one who broke my heart now, again one day. I believe people can change and grow, and I also believe that two people who are truly meant to be will find a way to be together, if and when the time is right.

But perhaps it’s a different man completely, which is both exciting and scary. I know, it’ll happen when it’s meant to. That’s why I have vowed not to do any sort of dating for awhile.

Not only do I need sufficient time to heal, but I also just need and want to focus on myself. Find what makes me happy.

I’m willing and able to accept that I can’t put a time frame on when I’ll move on because it’s different for everyone and like I said above, I love and feel hard so this break up has affected me significantly.

I want to move on and be over him as soon as I can but I need to be realistic. Trying to force myself to just “get over him,” isn’t going to work. Trust me, I’ve tried the first time we broke up and the time before that when I broke up with my first boyfriend before him.

Perhaps for other women or even men themselves, they can move on in a pinch, which, in this case, if it’s the man well, how could it be so easy for him? Why is it so hard for me to move on? Perhaps he maybe hasn’t really moved on as quick as I think but copes with heartbreak differently than me.

And for that, I accept it. I love him and therefore I can accept that. I can accept people coping differently, or, even if he really did move on already. Why, because I felt that strongly about him that I can’t nor could ever find it in my heart to hate him.

I tried doing that with my first boyfriend and that did nothing for me, except made me angry and bitter for the better part of six years. It wasn’t until I got older and somehow wiser (lol) that I realized it takes too much energy to hate people. That’s not to say I’m not sad or angry that we broke up, but I know in time my heart will heal and I’ll be OK — I’ll move on. I wouldn’t want him to hate me and I don’t want to hate him.

Of course, every couple is different and some exes may hate their partner but that’s just not me, anymore. I know I truly love someone when I wish them well and only want what’s best for them. Of course, I have my moments of temporary setback where I get angry and think he doesn’t deserve happiness but then I snap back to reality and realize that isn’t fair and it takes too much energy to be mad. It sucks knowing you are no longer part of their happiness but, just the fact they’re happy in general should be enough to make you happy. Should be, anyway.

I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for former flames. Why? Because I’m not that kind of person not to. These people were a significant part of my life and while they no longer are, I will always at least have the memories, which makes me appreciative and grateful to have once had them a part of my life. If that makes sense? Basically, because I can’t hate them, again, no matter how badly they broke my heart.

Like the title of this blog posts says, “Tough times don’t last, tough people do.” So in time, like I said above, I will move on. I’ll be 100 percent happy myself and happy for him. But it will take just that: time.

I, nor should anyone else, expect me to snap out of the heartbreak like that. That’s not being realistic.

Thankfully, I have an incredible support system. The number of people who have texted me asking if I am OK is nothing short of amazing. I was reminded just how truly blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. So, one person left my life? Doesn’t mean my life is over, it just means it’s time for the next chapter of it.

While I’m eager to find out what’s in store, I am going to just take it as it comes. Like I said, feel the hurt, anger, sadness and frustration and then eventually, gain the strength to move on.

I have good days where I don’t give it much thought and throw all of my energy into work (and, let’s be honest, watching TV, lol) and then not-so-good days where I cry, or can’t sleep at night because I’m wondering where I went wrong; and text him when I shouldn’t.

It’s a daily, habitual process. Every day when I get to work or wherever else I need/want to be I tell myself, “I got up, and showed up.”

I said that the other day and my brother asked me what I meant by it. I said, it means I didn’t let life (and its bad events) get me down. I rose again.”

It’s not an easy process going through a heartbreak. There’s no official manual that has a step-by-step of how to get over it. But usually, for a woman, it’s to cry, eat ice cream, go out with your girl friends, yell, sleep and find a hobby — which are all fabulous ideas, and most of which I’ve done so far. But then again, everyone is entitled to their own way on how they cope. That’s just how I am coping. There’s no right or wrong day to do so.

And that is why I must give a special shout out to two of my best friends who physically drove to my apartment to see me the day after my break up last week because they knew I was hurting. And they’ve continued to text me throughout the week because they know I still am hurting. I mean, who could ask for better friends? I certainly could not and I am and will forever be so grateful for them. I would not be able to make it through this heartbreak without them, my other friends, and especially my mom and family. So thank you, thank you all.

In the mean time, I’m going to try my best to find distractions, er, a hobby to keep me busy. Find something I enjoy to do that is not only a distraction but truly makes me happy.

If anyone has any helpful suggestions, leave a comment.

And remember, “Tough times don’t last, tough people do.”

Until next time…

XO,
Ana

The first step to accepting yourself is to stop comparing yourself to others…

It’s officially fall.

The season changed to fall Sept. 22, but who’s counting?

With a change of season I feel like comes a change for many of us. Or, at least those seeking a change. To be honest, I’m not quite sure if I am ever actually seeking a change, or, if I just think I should be doing something different than the same old, same old.

As for this new season?

I could say I am up to changing this or that, but the reality is, I would probably let whatever change I set my mind to fall to the way side because, let’s face it, that’s just who I am.

I will say this, perhaps I won’t do anything drastic, but, as time moves on and I get older each day (because, let’s face it, we all do) I realize I need to stop and smell the roses — er, coffee. I must do this before I just continue to freak out about my two years old mid-life crisis at 27 and wonder why my life isn’t how I pictured it to be when I was younger?

I don’t know when exactly it was but at some point, I started to panic about being whatever age I was at the time and wondering why I wasn’t at the same point in my life as my friends. It never used to bother me, and then one day I found myself constantly obsessing, wondering if and when I would reach certain milestones or other goals people my age tend to make.

In reality, I know me obsessing and freaking out about what I haven’t yet accomplished is a big waste of time and and stress on me, but, I haven’t quite mastered yet the art of just “letting it go.”

How does one “let go” anyway? I think it’s much easier said than done. Right?

And you know, I’m not even sure if this freaking out is because I really think I should have accomplished these milestones by this age of 27, or, if I am more so freaking out about if and when, if ever, these milestones will be crossed for me?

I really think it’s a matter of if and when. After all, on the one hand, I can’t really picture myself as being married and having kids, or another milestone, at this very moment. Not that there’s anything wrong with being married and having kids right now, at whatever age you are, but, personally for me, having kids right now would just be irresponsible of me.

I mean, I am not engaged. I live in a studio apartment. Work five days a week, sometimes 6, up to 8 hours a day. It just wouldn’t be ideal to have a kid. And then as for a wedding? That’s a lot of time and money, too, that, unfortunately I just don’t think I have right now. Obviously in the future I anticipate and hope to, but, that’s the future.

Then, if I don’t stress myself out about myself enough, I feel like I get stressed for other people. People my age getting married, having kids, doing this and that. It can make my head sometimes spin wondering how they are going to balance the process of those things, and the end result, all while maintaining their jobs, friend and family?

I don’t know, perhaps all of these people handle stress and change better than I do, which is likely the case, but then I also wonder when and why it became the “norm” to do all this stuff, which to me, seems so soon?

OK, so it’s really not soon. I mean, I am now officially closer to 30 than I am 20 and that thought alone is terrifying. When I was younger I thought I would be married by the time I was 26 and probably, if ever, have kids shortly after. Funny, right? But, true.

For whatever reason, that wasn’t in the cards for me, which is fine but, with more and more people my age settling down with their significant other and having been steady in their career for a long time, I can’t help but feel I somehow got far left behind in that bandwagon.

Now I know, some people are probably reading this and have actually questioned me like, why is this such a big deal to you and my response is always the same. I don’t know. Perhaps, honestly though, a twinge of envy. Obviously I am happy for other people who are happy, and that’s not to say I am not happy but, I can’t help but wonder (if and) when I will get to experience all these great milestones that they’re reaching. Perhaps, because I am how old I am I figured I should have already reached these milestones? Maybe, but, life has its own way of playing out, which is something it took me a long time to realize.

I used to hate it when people would say, “Everything happens for a reason.” My eyes would bulge out of my head and I would think, “They’re crazy.” Example being, if a loved one died, whether it was of natural causes or terminal illness or accident. WHY? Why did this awful thing have to take my loved one away? I could never fathom why people would say that and I refused to believe it was true until I got older and I essentially forced myself to believe it.

And so perhaps that’s what I need to do now. Force myself to believe that when the time is right, and when it’s meant to be, I will reach all these great milestones so many others I know already have. Perhaps it really isn’t a matter of if it will happen, but when, and it will happen when it’s meant to.

For now, I just to focus on the present. Focus on what is now, not what was or what will be, but the now. And the me now needs to focus on being happy, not envious, of my fellow peers, and focus on thriving on my own. Being happy for myself, by myself, and focusing on my career. I myself have a lot going for me personally and I tend to forget that sometimes.

But like I’ve said before, this is all much easier said than done. And with that, I will likely have to “fake it until I make it”/force myself to believe that when it’s meant to be, I’ll be content with my life and genuinely 100% happy/0% envious of those around me. It pains me to say I have a twinge of envy but, I gotta be honest with people and myself. Otherwise, it’ll just eat away at me and I’ll be miserable.

Anyway…

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

 

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

I am fully aware just now neglectful of this blog I am but with an apparent short attention span and a full-time job as a reporter, it can be a challenge to want to sit and write some more outside of what I do for my job. 

Anyway, it’s been five months (yes, five months, O-M-G!) since I’ve posted anything and quite frankly, a lot has happened, in a sense.

So two months after my last post something incredible happened. I was given a second chance at a relationship that I was really hoping and praying wasn’t the end of it for good the first time.

Now look, I’m sure there are some people reading this wondering was this relationship really worth a second chance? If there’s anything useful and important I learned in life it’s to not worry about what others think — especially when it comes to YOUR relationship. On the other hand, I do believe that not all relationships are meant to work out (i.e. my previous relationship during high school and part of college) but, looking back now, I’m pretty sure that was doomed from the beginning, I just didn’t see the signs. But, I certainly don’t regret that relationship because it taught me about love — and the things that come with it — what I should strive for in my next relationship, what I will accept and won’t settle for etc. But this relationship I’m in now, I knew it was different. I’ve known that since the moment I met him.

It’s funny, and kind of bizarre — we met at work not even two years ago but we actually went to the same college at Central Michigan University for all four years before that. We just never met during that time. It seems weird to me on the one hand that it has been such a short time since we’ve known each other because I feel like I have known him for much longer.

Now let me tell you — up until a certain age I think I believed in love at first sight. But then, as time went on I thought, ‘there’s no way that’s possible. In fact, people who think that are out of their mind,’ but — at 27-years-old now, I am beginning to change my mind again. I’m not sure if it’s that I actually believe in love at first sight but, I do think that two people can meet and just have a special instant connection. Something else at first sight.
I feel kind of scared — OK, I feel absolutely terrified to even be sharing/revealing this but — I do believe in that special connection and I feel as though I am experiencing it currently. I say I feel terrified because, it’s a new thing for me. I’m not saying that with my last boyfriend I didn’t feel it but, let’s be real — that was young love (yes, I was in love with him some years ago) and now I am a grown adult — a lot has changed about not only myself personally but how I feel towards relationships, love and even fear.

I am also fearful for another reason but, I’m coming to realize that fear really doesn’t have a spot in my life. People get scared all of the time about different things but do they let it hold them back? NO. Or, you know, they try their best to not let it hold them back, which is something I am currently in the process of working on. I am fearful because what if the feeling isn’t reciprocated? I am not saying that’s the case — and definitely not limiting that feeling to just my relationship — but for anyone out there. I know where my relationship stands, however, I can’t help but feel a different kind of happy, go-lucky, giddy feeling than the same feeling I felt when I dated my previous boyfriend. I think part of it might be because back then I was young therefore a bit naive, and didn’t know any better. Well, now I am older and certainly know better, or, like to think I do anyway. I guess what it comes down to is, I think I am trying to shift the focus of who thinks what of how I feel to others — rather than myself. Even though in reality, it’s me who I am worried about I feel. It’s not that I am not confident in how I feel, but, on the other hand, am I crazy for feeling this way so fast? Of course, while I really cannot compare my relationship to any other as no two relationships are the same, (and I need to quit trying to compare mine to others) I have considered others’ relationships and for them, to me, it seems like they have that feeling I do only they’re not questioning it like I am. They’re just going with it. And for me, that’s much easier said than done.

Like I said, it’s not because I don’t actually feel it. I do. I have this intense feeling of “fondness” if you will, toward my relationship but I think maybe I am feeling it too fast, too soon. Of course no one but myself and my boyfriend can be the judge of that, but, I do look to others because I simply admire their relationships. Take my parents for example — they’re high school sweethearts.

When I dated my former boyfriend I had long assumed and hoped that’s what our relationship would be. It didn’t up being the case of course, which, for the both of us ultimately was the best thing for us, but, the me now wants that same kind of love my parents share.

Love — yes I said it. I love love. I really do. And it is because of not only my parents, but Disney fairy tale cartoons, too. Call me cliche, call me cheesy, but I have always been one of those girls who idolized the princess and prince charming ending up happily-ever-after. Although, side note: If you’re an adult watching Disney movies then you can see just how truly barbaric some of the story lines are. I mean, a prince “rescuing” the princess a.k.a. damsel in distress?

OK, not my point. My point is, aside from the somewhat outdated story lines, it’s the elements behind it. Cinderella, for example, while she was “rescued” from her evil stepmother and stepsisters, she wound up living happily-ever-after with her prince. Now of course, this is modern day, and reality of course, not some scripted cartoon movie, and relationships don’t always mean a happily-ever-after. That’s not to say people won’t stay together forever, but rather, relationships “aren’t always rainbows and butterflies.” (Cue: Maroon 5, for those of you who caught that reference.)

Relationships take work. They take patience. Kindness. Understanding. Everything. And I am beyond grateful and can’t thank God enough for allowing me this second chance at this relationship I’m in now. For quite some time after my former relationship, even sporadically until now, I have carried that emotional baggage around with me. Eventually, I knew I had to let that baggage go in order to fully accept and actually be present in this current relationship. Of course, while I let go of that baggage it seemed I picked up new “baggage,” if you will, only this time — about the future.

Obviously I or anyone else has no idea what the future holds but for some reason, I am determined to try and figure it out. Never in my life have I wondered, or worried, so much about the future. I guess maybe it’s in part because I have gotten older and will only continue to get older, just like everyone else because it’s a part of life. It’s inevitable. But, on the other hand, I feel like that’s just maybe who I am as a person — a worrier? But why? That remains a mystery to me.

I’ve been trying hard to be more present and focused on the present and it’s a process. I started, sort of, a hand-written journal that I truly hope I can utilize regularly to my benefit. It’s part hand-written, part “vision” journal, meaning I am cutting pictures and images out of old magazines for both short-and-long-term goals I hope to achieve.

The journal is a work-in-progress, much like (me) trying to regain focus on the present outside of my journal and being grateful for the now of my life because well, it’s pretty damn great. But I will say this, as another potential reason for my worry about the future: I don’t want history to repeat itself.

I know, I’m 27-years-old (Eek! That’s still so weird to me sometimes), a grown adult, and really I only have the one other relationship (that was significant and had a major impact on my life) to compare things to, but, that heartbreak was hard. Of course, all heart breaks are hard (even if it was ultimately a blessing in disguise), and everyone handles them differently. For me, as a woman who’s always been an emotional being (for whatever reason), it was one of the more difficult things in life to go through. It obviously wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever experienced as I consider the death of a loved one or pet, or something along those lines, as the worst things I’ve had to experience in life. But anyway — the heartbreak was difficult then, and even during my last “heartbreak” in this relationship during the two months we broke up and hardly spoke, were awful. I really wasn’t sure and didn’t entertain the idea too much if we would get back together. I had hoped, obviously, as our relationship just hadn’t felt like it should have ended there and thank God and my boyfriend, and myself too, for realizing the feelings were still there and that in order to move on some things would need to change to make the relationship even better the second time around.

And let me tell you, they are. When he and I met up for the first time after two months it wasn’t at all awkward like I kept telling myself and my friends it would be. I was terrified to see him in person because I honestly had no idea what to expect. He was simply just “coming over to visit.” But, it turned out what I could have only dreamed of and from there it’s been much different, but certainly in a good way.

My point is, there’s a lot of unknowns in life. And fear is a thing that never goes away. But, we find a way to overcome the fear and accept the unknowns as they make their presence known in our lives. And as for feelings, which in this particular case mine are tied to fear — I can’t let it. I can’t and shouldn’t feel scared, or sorry for the way I feel. I can only hope and pray for in the future for things to be equal among us.

For now, I will continue my relationship, and life in general, as it is. Enjoy each moment and it comes and try not to stress out so much about the future. Be confident in where I am in life now. And that goes to you, too, whoever is reading this post.

Until next time…

— Anamaria