It’s officially fall.
The season changed to fall Sept. 22, but who’s counting?
With a change of season I feel like comes a change for many of us. Or, at least those seeking a change. To be honest, I’m not quite sure if I am ever actually seeking a change, or, if I just think I should be doing something different than the same old, same old.
As for this new season?
I could say I am up to changing this or that, but the reality is, I would probably let whatever change I set my mind to fall to the way side because, let’s face it, that’s just who I am.
I will say this, perhaps I won’t do anything drastic, but, as time moves on and I get older each day (because, let’s face it, we all do) I realize I need to stop and smell the roses — er, coffee. I must do this before I just continue to freak out about my two years old mid-life crisis at 27 and wonder why my life isn’t how I pictured it to be when I was younger?
I don’t know when exactly it was but at some point, I started to panic about being whatever age I was at the time and wondering why I wasn’t at the same point in my life as my friends. It never used to bother me, and then one day I found myself constantly obsessing, wondering if and when I would reach certain milestones or other goals people my age tend to make.
In reality, I know me obsessing and freaking out about what I haven’t yet accomplished is a big waste of time and and stress on me, but, I haven’t quite mastered yet the art of just “letting it go.”
How does one “let go” anyway? I think it’s much easier said than done. Right?
And you know, I’m not even sure if this freaking out is because I really think I should have accomplished these milestones by this age of 27, or, if I am more so freaking out about if and when, if ever, these milestones will be crossed for me?
I really think it’s a matter of if and when. After all, on the one hand, I can’t really picture myself as being married and having kids, or another milestone, at this very moment. Not that there’s anything wrong with being married and having kids right now, at whatever age you are, but, personally for me, having kids right now would just be irresponsible of me.
I mean, I am not engaged. I live in a studio apartment. Work five days a week, sometimes 6, up to 8 hours a day. It just wouldn’t be ideal to have a kid. And then as for a wedding? That’s a lot of time and money, too, that, unfortunately I just don’t think I have right now. Obviously in the future I anticipate and hope to, but, that’s the future.
Then, if I don’t stress myself out about myself enough, I feel like I get stressed for other people. People my age getting married, having kids, doing this and that. It can make my head sometimes spin wondering how they are going to balance the process of those things, and the end result, all while maintaining their jobs, friend and family?
I don’t know, perhaps all of these people handle stress and change better than I do, which is likely the case, but then I also wonder when and why it became the “norm” to do all this stuff, which to me, seems so soon?
OK, so it’s really not soon. I mean, I am now officially closer to 30 than I am 20 and that thought alone is terrifying. When I was younger I thought I would be married by the time I was 26 and probably, if ever, have kids shortly after. Funny, right? But, true.
For whatever reason, that wasn’t in the cards for me, which is fine but, with more and more people my age settling down with their significant other and having been steady in their career for a long time, I can’t help but feel I somehow got far left behind in that bandwagon.
Now I know, some people are probably reading this and have actually questioned me like, why is this such a big deal to you and my response is always the same. I don’t know. Perhaps, honestly though, a twinge of envy. Obviously I am happy for other people who are happy, and that’s not to say I am not happy but, I can’t help but wonder (if and) when I will get to experience all these great milestones that they’re reaching. Perhaps, because I am how old I am I figured I should have already reached these milestones? Maybe, but, life has its own way of playing out, which is something it took me a long time to realize.
I used to hate it when people would say, “Everything happens for a reason.” My eyes would bulge out of my head and I would think, “They’re crazy.” Example being, if a loved one died, whether it was of natural causes or terminal illness or accident. WHY? Why did this awful thing have to take my loved one away? I could never fathom why people would say that and I refused to believe it was true until I got older and I essentially forced myself to believe it.
And so perhaps that’s what I need to do now. Force myself to believe that when the time is right, and when it’s meant to be, I will reach all these great milestones so many others I know already have. Perhaps it really isn’t a matter of if it will happen, but when, and it will happen when it’s meant to.
For now, I just to focus on the present. Focus on what is now, not what was or what will be, but the now. And the me now needs to focus on being happy, not envious, of my fellow peers, and focus on thriving on my own. Being happy for myself, by myself, and focusing on my career. I myself have a lot going for me personally and I tend to forget that sometimes.
But like I’ve said before, this is all much easier said than done. And with that, I will likely have to “fake it until I make it”/force myself to believe that when it’s meant to be, I’ll be content with my life and genuinely 100% happy/0% envious of those around me. It pains me to say I have a twinge of envy but, I gotta be honest with people and myself. Otherwise, it’ll just eat away at me and I’ll be miserable.
Until next time…