My Life Has Changed And I’m Changing With It…

Well, hello, readers!

Remember me?

It’s been a minute… like, a long, over a year minute, since I’ve last blogged. And let me tell you, a lot has happened since then.

Like the fact I GOT ENGAGED! 🙂

I said, “yes” to spending forever with the man of my dreams, whom I’ve longed for for as long as I can remember.

And I also said, “yes” to bariatric surgery. Oh, and getting a puppy.


Writing this now I am officially down 36 lbs!

And for those of you reading this, shaking your head in disapproval that I took the “easy way out” — let me tell you, there has been nothing easy about this journey whatsoever.

But, more about that later.

First, let me spill all the mushy, romantic details on how my Mr. Right proposed to me. 🙂

What made it special was that it was just us two. At our home. (Awww, another thing — he moved in with me earlier this year.) And it was every bit romantic.

See, I have a love for Paris. Why? I don’t really know, considering I’ve never even been, but, from what I’ve seen on TV and in magazines and online, it’s definitely a spot I hope to cross off my bucket list some day.

Anyway, so our house has a Paris theme — particularly our bedroom. And he proposed to me in our bedroom so it could be like we were actually in Paris. And of course, there were ugly tears and all.

I, of course, knew it was coming. 😉 But, I won’t go into details about that, lol.

But, he proposed, I said yes, and then we quickly shared the news with both our parents and the rest of our family and friends.

Even though I knew it was coming, a huge wave of “relief” if you will, washed over me. Like I could finally let out a big, deep breath that my wait for Prince Charming was officically over.

OK, so it was technically over when we first started dating, but, I feel like the engagement really, really solidified our commitment to each other forever. And after dating the guys I did before him, well, they really did a number on my self-worth and made me question continuously if I really did deserve true love.

Well, now that I’m older and wiser, I know damn well I do.

Even though I still have my moments of doubt from time to time, Ryan always assures me that he loves me and that he’s not going anywhere. And I know this to be true, especially after he’s seen me at my absolute worst. But mind you, he’s also seen me at my absolute best. 🙂

So here we are, 7 months later, happily engaged. We have a date set for August 2022. The venue, photographer, DJ and videographer have all been booked. We have our bridal party. Bridesmaids dresses checked off. Now to work on the hotel accommodations , dinner menu, cake, wedding favors, center pieces and all the other little details.

It’s been a whirlwind to say the least. But, again, I am happy to have found my happily-ever-after. There was a long period where I didn’t think I would, or that I was even worthy of such a magical kind of love that I’d always seen on TV/movies and in books. So cheesy, I know, but, I was convinced of the aforementioned and that I was destined to be single forever. Not that there’s anything wrong with being single of course, but, I had longed to fall in love and get married. And now, here I am. 🙂

So thank you, sincerely, to all of those who told me all along that one day, when the timing was right, I’d find my Mr. Right and I would finally understand why it didn’t work out with the other guys I dated. I doubted yuou all for so long and thought y’all were crazy, so… 😉

Plus, in a weird sense, I have to thank those guys, too, for showing me what love isn’t and breaking my heart. Also, for the record, the previous guys I dated are not bad guys. Of course, there was a time period where that’s all I thought and I wished them ill, but, now that, again, I am older and wiser, I learned it takes far too much energy to despise someone. Plus, they’re off living their best lives (well, best for them), so why was I not out there living mine? I thank them for breaking my heart so I could finally set forth on the path to finding my Mr. Right. And while it was a bumpy ride, it was worth it in the end. 🙂

Now onto my other exciting, life-changing news.

I had gastric sleeve surgery August 30 and I am officially down 36 lbs from what I weighed the day of surgery. It’s been a challenging journey, to say the least. There have been so many times I’ve cried, yelled, wanted to throw in the towel and wish I could un-do the surgery. I questioned, was this really worth it?

The first few weeks post surgery were rough. So for the first two weeks, it was liquids only, which meant protein shakes, broth, creamed soup and popsicles. And as you can imagine, those get old pretty quick. Then, for the two weeks after that, it was those things plus pureed foods… so, mashed potatoes, lots and lots of mashed potatoes and pureed chicken, which, as you can imagine visually what it looked like, was not appetizing. then, after that was “soft” foods, which included lean chicken, cheese and eggs. Oh my gosh, you guys, you have no idea how excited and happy I was to be able to have these things. Normally I don’t particularly crave eggs. I mean, I’ll eat them, but, it’s not like I’m like OMG I want these every day. But, when you’re limited on what you can have, being able to finally have eggs felt like I hit the lottery.

Fast forward to week 6–which meant REAL FOODS! Y’all, I thought I might never make it. I mean, I cried more times than I care to count about how I wish I’d never done the “stupid” surgery and how I’d rather be fat than be deprived of the foods I love. But, as time’s gone on, that mindset has thankfully shifted.

I will admit, it’s still definitely hard some days. While I’ve been fortunate enough to not have any major side effects from eating regular good, it’s been a process reminding myself to eat slower and that it’s OK to have leftovers. That’s probably been the biggest thing — being OK with having leftovers. Because mentally, I think I should be able to finish a plate, so I try, but, then I’m left feeling violently ill. Thankfully I haven’t thrown up from eating too much, but, the other end was not so nice to me, lmao.

Overall, I am happy I stuck with it. I’m happy I went through it. You guys have no idea how scared I got the closer it got to surgery and even the day of surgery. The anesthesiologist came to talk to me and he was like do you have any questions or anything and I said dead serious: Don’t let me die. And then proceeded to cry.

I’d never undergone surgery and so that was my biggest fear. He then felt terrible and was like, “Oh my gosh, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I assured him it was fine and then before I knew it (well, after almost 2 hours total, lol) I was being whisked away to surgery.

The surgery went by fast. I thought. I mean, I don’t remember it, obviously, but, it didn’t seem like much time had gone by by the time I woke up. I think Ryan said I was in surgery for about an hour, or maybe a little more. But, I remember when I woke up and the nurses were trying to talk to me, asking how I was doing, and the anesthesia was still wearing off. It was so frustrating. I could hear and understand them but I couldn’t physically say anything. You know those dreams where you’re screaming, but, no one can hear you? Yeah, it was like that.

Overall, the surgery went all. I ended up being more scared than what was necessary. And since then I’ve been doing well, too. 🙂 So well, Ryan and I decided to treat ourselves and…


Oh… my… gosh. Has little Miss Delilah Mae given us a run for our money. So, for the longest time I’ve wanted a dog. And after talking about it with Ryan, we thought that getting a dog would help with my depression and anxiety. I don’t know if Delilah has helped it or worsened it. LOL, kidding. Sort of. So, I found Delilah, nameless, on a website called Hoobly. I had heard of it before and knew some people personally who’d had good luck on the site. I figured since they did, I should, too, right? Anyway, I find this dog and she’s just as sweet looking as can be. I reach out to the poster who lived about an hour away expressing my interest in the dog.

Originally, Ryan and I were interested in a boy, but, then the seller ended up selling him without letting Ryan and me know (I had to ask again) so I was like fine, we’ll take the girl if she’s still available. Well, we had planned on going to look at her on a Saturday. On the Tuesday before, I just sensed that we needed to act sooner or the girl would be sold, too, so, then we had agreed on Thursday. But again, felt this sense of urgency so I was like we’ll come tomorrow, Wednesday. Then, low and behold, we ended up bringing our sweet Delilah home. Well, cue the next day… My niece, who has experience with rescue dogs, discovered she had fleas. -_- When we picked up Delilah I thought she smelled like a farm and looking back, I wish I’d known better. But, to make a long-ish story short, we think she came from a puppy mill. I was never able to see where she lived before because the seller had us meet him at a Walmart. (At the time I didn’t think anything of it; I thought, oh good, now he can’t murder us or something, lol.) So, that was a lot to deal with. Frustrating, to say the least. But, of course, we couldn’t be mad at her because after all, it wasn’t her fault. I of course, maturely reached out to the seller and was like hey, she has fleas, just thought you should known (since I knew he had other dogs left to sell) and he never responded so, it was that lack of answer that I knew he knew this. It is what it is but, it was definitely a learning experience. Stressful, but, she’s been worth it. Mostly, lol. Keeps us busy and on our toes for sure.

Which, can be hard… especially since I recently was confirmed with having sleep apnea. I tell ya, it’s been an eventful 2021, hasn’t it? 😉 So, that’s a whole thing… Got myself a CPAP machine and let me tell you, how the heck do they expect people to sleep with these things on? Tonight will be my third night with it and while last night was better than the first, I know it’ll take some getting used to to getting a good night’s sleep with this damn thing on. So, wish me luck. And also, keep your fingers crossed that as I continue to lose weight that my apnea will dissipate and I won’t need my CPAP machine for forever.

Anyway, that’s all for now… Hopefully it won’t be too long before I get another post up here. Maybe 2022 will finally be the year I can and will update this regularly. Guess we’ll see. 😉

Until next time…



Believe you can and you’re halfway there…

I really need to maintain this. For a girl who loves to write and always literally has lots to say, this blog says otherwise.

Anyway, after some time I think I may have finally found a topic I can write about–at least for this blog post. We’ll see how long I can stretch it out, maybe more than just this post but, here’s go nothing.

So, sometime back in February–the end of it–or early March–hell, I literally can’t even remember, oops–I finally decided to make a change. A serious one.

Within the last couple years, more than during earlier years (i.e. end of high school/early college), I have been not the most happy with my weight. I figured “meh, this is me. This is the weight/size I was meant to be so there’s that.” It got to the point where I became focused–no, fixated–on it. I was constantly thinking about my weight and wondering why I had to be given the gene of HATING exercising, LOVING food AND having a SLOW metabolism.

Once my weight became a constant thought on my mind I always told myself I would do something about it. I told myself I would eat better, not eat fast food; exercise, lift weights, etc. You name it. And so began when I half-ass attempted “working out” by walking like 30 minutes on the treadmill twice a week and not eating certain meals throughout the day. Yeah, a lot of good that did me, right? I got so bored on the treadmill that my motivation was quickly lost after a only few times. Plus, skipping out on meals only made me cranky and eat twice as much during my next meal. This inevitably lead to more weight gain.

I’m not sure exactly when my specific wake-up call was to do actually do something about my weight but once I started I got this sense of excitement and accomplishment once I started to see the number on the scale go down. I had done Weight Watchers in the past, started in 2013, and did it for a little while but then lost the motivation to keep going and I constantly felt deprived of not just my favorite foods, but food in general. I won’t deny I like food. In fact, I LOVE food. That’s why I hate the word “diet”, and seldom use it. I considered and researched other popular diets but I didn’t like the idea of a) having to pay for special food, etc. for weight loss when quite frankly I was already “paying” for having gotten to the weight I was. Wasn’t about to add insult to injury. Anyway… and b) I didn’t want to feel deprived. So, I took another approach. I decided to count calories and acknowledge that I would go over some days, but for those times I would make up by exercising to burn them off and then some or simply burning them off and breaking even.

It was, and still to this day, is a struggle for me to work out. I’ve been going at this counting calories and exercising thing for about 2-2.5 months now and let me just tell you–I didn’t like working out before and even to this day I’m still not the world’s biggest fan. Some days I FORCE myself to do it or actually just don’t work out period. (Bad, I know, but a girl’s allowed to have a rest day) But, one thing I’ve learned during this journey is that I actually, really do feel better, even if I am physically sore, after I work out compared to if I DON’T work out at all. I don’t work out every single day of the week even though some would say I probably should but, I do average about 3-4 times per week, which is better than those who don’t at all–which I used to be one of those people. And that’s not to say people who DON’T work out are lazy because some people are naturally fit and just don’t need to work out.

Anyway… In the past, after a few days of “counting points” and walking at a speed of 3.0 m.p.h. for 30 minutes, I was quickly disappointed by the lack of change in the number I saw on the scale. I was constantly looking for a quick fix and when that didn’t happen I gave up and thought, “Well, I guess maybe I was just meant to be this size” OR, “Guess I’ll just be this weight forever.” It’s not a healthy mindset to have and even now, fast forward, I still feel that way some days except, I KNOW I DON’T HAVE TO BE that size, or even my current size now. I CAN get to my dream/goal size with more hard work and dedication. It won’t come overnight just like my weight gain didn’t come on overnight as much as I like to think it did.

Like I said earlier, I can’t pinpoint exactly when I decided to make a serious change and actually on it but I think it was time back a few months ago and I realized if I kept eating and NOT exercising at the rate I was, I was going to have to keep buying BIGGER clothes–and that was not something I wanted to do. Not only that but I also didn’t want to gain any more for fear of a bigger issue at hand–like any health problems that can arise from being overweight. Well, and I had actually Googled peoples’ BEFORE and AFTER pictures and I thought, I want to be one of those people–I want to be my own success story.

So, after that moment I decided to act on the change I constantly talked about and I reminded myself daily that this was going to take time–weeks, months–but, that in the end, it would be worth it. I am not yet to my final goal weight but I’ve lost some weight already and can definitely tell in the way my clothes fit–they’re getting too big–and that serves as motivation to keep me going and to be proud of my accomplishment. It’s also motivating and reassuring when my family and friends tell me that they too have noticed a difference.

It’s strange though, and I didn’t think I would feel this way but I bet other people have felt this way too, I feel weird sometimes when people tell me ‘congratulations’ or ‘you look great’, ‘keep up the great work’, etc. Obviously that’s encouraging and motivating too but, I guess I never thought I would get to the point where I would have people telling me that so it’s kind of weird. But, like I said, it’s also encouraging and motivating so I keep people updated via social media with pictures, my work out motivational quotes I Google daily to remind myself to keep going, and even wear my FitBit, with my Alex and Ani bracelets, because I want to be held accountable in any way I can to keep moving and eat right and drink lots of WATER.

Speaking of “eating right” and drinking lots of water…

This brings me to my next point. So, after people compliment me they sometimes ask me what I’ve been doing. I tell them I’m counting calories and no longer drinking pop, which I gave up back in March (yay!) and exercising. And while I am not following a specific diet of only fruits and vegetables or low-carb or fat-free, I am making up what for what I eat in exercise. Now, not every one will agree this is a good approach to “dieting” and/or losing weight but I say to hell with them. It’s MY body and I myself will choose how to lose weight. I know I post it on social media for the world to see but that’s for encouragement–not for people to give their two cents on how I can and should tweak my current regimen. If people have actual helpful advice/tips then I am all ears but when it’s something entirely different, than I really just don’t care.

It’s hard to believe it’s been 2.5 months since I’ve drank any pop. I have to admit, even to this day I still have cravings sometimes. Not nearly as bad as when I first gave up pop but sometimes a little ol’ carbonation just sounds DELICIOUS! Plus, I get bored of just plain ol’ water so I mix in unsweeted regular tea, unsweetened green tea, black coffee and WATER ENHANCERS! I tell ya, water enhancers are the best! They’ve help change things up and make not miss pop as much. It’s wonderful. 🙂 But, I’m human and so of course I am going to have cravings every once in awhile but I haven’t given in yet so that’s good, right? RIGHT!

It’s been a roller coaster of a ride–this “journey” of mine, if you will–but, I like to look at it as a lifestyle change. I can’t really call it a “diet” since then I will probably feel as though I can revert back to my old ways once I reach my goal weight and I can’t. I can’t unless I want to go back to where I was. And I don’t. Ever.

I am saying goodbye to that girl. It sounds so corny but literally saying “goodbye” to my excess weight and becoming a healthier me is what keeps going and pushing harder everyday. And so does looking at pictures from a couple months and beyond compared to now. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at these pictures…

Left: September 21, 2014 Right: May 9. 2015
Left: September 21, 2014
Right: May 9. 2015

Left: April 2014 Right: April 2015
Left: April 2014
Right: April 2015

So, here’s a goodbye to the old, heavier me and hello to the new, healthier me. That’s my number one goal–is to be healthy. My second goal is to feel more good–feel more confident–when I wear clothes without any shadow of hesitation, like, “Did I make the right choice in wearing this?” I love clothes, fashion, and I like to think I have a good sense of style but *loving clothes and having a sense of style* and actually *feeling 100000% percent confident in your clothing choice* are two different things. I’ve felt confident in the past in the clothes I bought (regardless of the fact the size wasn’t a size I wanted to be at/wasn’t necessarily healthy) but, this time around I want to be at that 100000% confident without any about.

Well, wish me luck as I continue this “weight-loss/lifestyle change/healthier me” ride/journey. It won’t be without both ups and downs, high and lows, and setbacks and successes so be prepared. I am only human so I will make mistakes. This lifestyle change (or as some people may see it “diet”) won’t be perfect–and I’m not intending it to be so, it will take trial and error and time. Hopefully I can semi-maintain this blog with results of my weight-loss–oh, that’s another incentive/way to keep me motivated to lose weight–if there are people counting on me or just simply looking forward to my continued progress of weight-loss and becoming healthier. Hmm… We shall see.

Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, everyone. And thank you to those past, current and future for serving. ❤

Memorial Day 2015
Memorial Day 2015


Exercise might as well be a swear word

If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in this world it’s exercise.

I hate the sound of it, the meaning of it, the looks of it–everything. You honestly probably couldn’t pay me to do it. That’s how much I loathe it.

Now don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying it’s bad for you, or anyone else, because we all know that’s not true but that doesn’t mean I still can’t hate it.

Why do I hate it? You ask. Well, to be honest I don’t really have a valid reason other than I think it’s boring and I don’t think there’s ever a convenient time to do it. (Which again, we all know is not true)

How I feel about having to exercise--NOT happy.
How I feel about having to exercise–NOT happy.

Honestly, I think what really bothers me (and sorry to all of you naturally thin, in shape people) is the thought of having to go to a gym, where there are other people (and not just any people, but random strangers), and a lot of them are already in shape and so they’re there working out to MAINTAIN their physique. I, on the other hand, am NOT trying to maintain this physique of mine. Over the past few years I’ve become more fixated on my size and the number I weigh but never motivated enough to do anything about it.

*Side note: I am in no way meaning to look down on people who do go work out to maintain their physique (and/or just happen to be naturally thin/at their ideal weight) but just simply stating my personal observation of “Wow, those people already look damn fabulous and therefore intimidate me.”

One part of me thinks like a ridiculous person by praying and hoping I’ll just one day wake up thinner. It’s this horrible mentality I have that thin people were born just like that, thin, and I, well, I was born not thin. But again, that’s as crazy as saying there is never a convenient time to work out.

Now, I do know genetics play a partial role in the amount someone weighs and so I do believe my genetics are partially to blame for how much I currently weigh but, on the other hand, I do admit I LOVE food and (again) HATE exercise. So what does that equal? Being overweight. I think I hate exercise because I feel as though there is this entitlement to being thin since other people in the world just happen to be naturally thin. Again, though, this isn’t their “fault” but rather just how their genetics are and their lifestyle. Their lifestyle allowed them to earn their thin physique and obviously there is nothing wrong with that!

Anyway… The other part of me thinks I am “pretty much” okay with my physique and the number on my scale even though in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. Like I mentioned above I’ve become more fixated and desired wanting to lose weight more so in the past few years than when I was in high school or first starting out college. At that time it just didn’t seem like a big deal to me or anyone else so I thought, why bother?

But with heavy emphasis on weight loss in the media and pretty much everywhere I look I can’t help but feel pressured to do something about my weight. Of course it isn’t just the media either. I know too that if I don’t take my health and fitness more seriously than it could develop into more serious issues later on, which is something I definitely don’t want to have to deal with.

However, this is all so much easier said than done. SO much easier. I often think to myself how I will wake up in the morning and go on the treadmill or count points for Weight Watchers for the week but then I think, but I’ll just be miserable and hungry or miserable and sweaty–neither of which sound appealing. But, as we all know what this really does is make me feel even worse later when I eat beyond normal portion sizes and don’t exercise.

It’s a daily struggle. I am currently subscribed to Weight Watchers and have the app but I just get so tired, and bored you could say, of counting points. Oh, and something else to mention that I forgot to earlier, is I also have the mentality of thinking since it seems like my extra weight came on overnight then my extra weight should come off overnight as well, right?


And that’s where my weight loss journey needs to start first–is my brain and mind on accepting it will take time to see progress and that no one loses weight overnight unless they get professional surgery. I really have a love-hate relationship with WW. I do believe WW is a good program as it is helps a lot with portion control, which means you can still indulge in your guilty pleasures without actually feeling guilty after. The bad part though, for me, is the allocation of points women and men get and how those differ based on sex and height and weight.

For example, my daily points fall between 27-28 points. Without knowing anything about WW it might seem like a lot, and to some women it could be, but as a woman who loves food–especially Chipotle–the struggle is real to stay in that allocated amount. See what I mean?

I believe deep down somewhere I have the determination and motivation needed to lose weight but it’s buried beneath the mindset of thinking the weight will come off after one day of dieting and or thinking I’ll just wake up at my goal weight.


As you can see I really loathe the word “exercise” and I also really don’t like the word “diet” either. It sounds just as painful and awful as the other. Aside from my lack of mental motivation I am also physically unmotivated. I always feel “too tired” to work out and while I may actually be a little bit tired, I think I feel more than I actually am because I am overweight. It takes its toll on you. I’ve seen that from other people as well, not just myself.

Now I know both men and women are supposed to love their bodies at any size which, I do to an extent but, health-wise I could stand and would like to lose weight. I want my clothes to become too big, not too small. I want to have that extra energy to do things other than sit around and watch TV all day or eat Chipotle. Because right now I feel trapped. I know it sounds crazy, and while I know realistically I will never be a size small or something near model physique, I know I can be thinner and (based on my height) should be (for health reasons specifically). I know a thinner, healthier version of me is there somewhere. I don’t intend for that to sound so vain or to put down women who are of similar or bigger size to me but for my height specifically (and even age too I’m sure) I am overweight. This isn’t just about wanting to feel better so I think I look better physically but it really boils down to losing weight so I can be healthy and live a long time and be more active in my everyday life. I want there to be a day where I don’t hate exercising and dieting and instead actually look forward to doing those things. I’m sure I can achieve it, sooner rather later, but I just need some tips, tools and resources.

My motivation is around here somewhere but it’s more about “rewiring” my brain and mind to think positive about diet, exercise, fitness and weight loss. So if anyone has tips for that specifically I am ALL ears.

Until next time…

– Ana

Elan Mudrow


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