If there’s one thing I hate more than anything else in this world it’s exercise.
I hate the sound of it, the meaning of it, the looks of it–everything. You honestly probably couldn’t pay me to do it. That’s how much I loathe it.
Now don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying it’s bad for you, or anyone else, because we all know that’s not true but that doesn’t mean I still can’t hate it.
Why do I hate it? You ask. Well, to be honest I don’t really have a valid reason other than I think it’s boring and I don’t think there’s ever a convenient time to do it. (Which again, we all know is not true)
Honestly, I think what really bothers me (and sorry to all of you naturally thin, in shape people) is the thought of having to go to a gym, where there are other people (and not just any people, but random strangers), and a lot of them are already in shape and so they’re there working out to MAINTAIN their physique. I, on the other hand, am NOT trying to maintain this physique of mine. Over the past few years I’ve become more fixated on my size and the number I weigh but never motivated enough to do anything about it.
*Side note: I am in no way meaning to look down on people who do go work out to maintain their physique (and/or just happen to be naturally thin/at their ideal weight) but just simply stating my personal observation of “Wow, those people already look damn fabulous and therefore intimidate me.”
One part of me thinks like a ridiculous person by praying and hoping I’ll just one day wake up thinner. It’s this horrible mentality I have that thin people were born just like that, thin, and I, well, I was born not thin. But again, that’s as crazy as saying there is never a convenient time to work out.
Now, I do know genetics play a partial role in the amount someone weighs and so I do believe my genetics are partially to blame for how much I currently weigh but, on the other hand, I do admit I LOVE food and (again) HATE exercise. So what does that equal? Being overweight. I think I hate exercise because I feel as though there is this entitlement to being thin since other people in the world just happen to be naturally thin. Again, though, this isn’t their “fault” but rather just how their genetics are and their lifestyle. Their lifestyle allowed them to earn their thin physique and obviously there is nothing wrong with that!
Anyway… The other part of me thinks I am “pretty much” okay with my physique and the number on my scale even though in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. Like I mentioned above I’ve become more fixated and desired wanting to lose weight more so in the past few years than when I was in high school or first starting out college. At that time it just didn’t seem like a big deal to me or anyone else so I thought, why bother?
But with heavy emphasis on weight loss in the media and pretty much everywhere I look I can’t help but feel pressured to do something about my weight. Of course it isn’t just the media either. I know too that if I don’t take my health and fitness more seriously than it could develop into more serious issues later on, which is something I definitely don’t want to have to deal with.
However, this is all so much easier said than done. SO much easier. I often think to myself how I will wake up in the morning and go on the treadmill or count points for Weight Watchers for the week but then I think, but I’ll just be miserable and hungry or miserable and sweaty–neither of which sound appealing. But, as we all know what this really does is make me feel even worse later when I eat beyond normal portion sizes and don’t exercise.
It’s a daily struggle. I am currently subscribed to Weight Watchers and have the app but I just get so tired, and bored you could say, of counting points. Oh, and something else to mention that I forgot to earlier, is I also have the mentality of thinking since it seems like my extra weight came on overnight then my extra weight should come off overnight as well, right?
And that’s where my weight loss journey needs to start first–is my brain and mind on accepting it will take time to see progress and that no one loses weight overnight unless they get professional surgery. I really have a love-hate relationship with WW. I do believe WW is a good program as it is helps a lot with portion control, which means you can still indulge in your guilty pleasures without actually feeling guilty after. The bad part though, for me, is the allocation of points women and men get and how those differ based on sex and height and weight.
For example, my daily points fall between 27-28 points. Without knowing anything about WW it might seem like a lot, and to some women it could be, but as a woman who loves food–especially Chipotle–the struggle is real to stay in that allocated amount. See what I mean?
I believe deep down somewhere I have the determination and motivation needed to lose weight but it’s buried beneath the mindset of thinking the weight will come off after one day of dieting and or thinking I’ll just wake up at my goal weight.
As you can see I really loathe the word “exercise” and I also really don’t like the word “diet” either. It sounds just as painful and awful as the other. Aside from my lack of mental motivation I am also physically unmotivated. I always feel “too tired” to work out and while I may actually be a little bit tired, I think I feel more than I actually am because I am overweight. It takes its toll on you. I’ve seen that from other people as well, not just myself.
Now I know both men and women are supposed to love their bodies at any size which, I do to an extent but, health-wise I could stand and would like to lose weight. I want my clothes to become too big, not too small. I want to have that extra energy to do things other than sit around and watch TV all day or eat Chipotle. Because right now I feel trapped. I know it sounds crazy, and while I know realistically I will never be a size small or something near model physique, I know I can be thinner and (based on my height) should be (for health reasons specifically). I know a thinner, healthier version of me is there somewhere. I don’t intend for that to sound so vain or to put down women who are of similar or bigger size to me but for my height specifically (and even age too I’m sure) I am overweight. This isn’t just about wanting to feel better so I think I look better physically but it really boils down to losing weight so I can be healthy and live a long time and be more active in my everyday life. I want there to be a day where I don’t hate exercising and dieting and instead actually look forward to doing those things. I’m sure I can achieve it, sooner rather later, but I just need some tips, tools and resources.
My motivation is around here somewhere but it’s more about “rewiring” my brain and mind to think positive about diet, exercise, fitness and weight loss. So if anyone has tips for that specifically I am ALL ears.
Until next time…