Five months. Boy, do I really know how to maintain a blog.
Oops!
Well, regardless, here I am at the beginning of a new month and a few weeks into a new season: fall.
I like fall, and a new season in general, but if I’m being completely honest, the shorter amount of sunlight during the fall/winter days makes me not at my peak of happiness.
I don’t believe I have actual seasonal affective disorder and to be clear, I’m certainly not saying there is anything wrong with those who suffer from it.
Then again, this month marks something of somewhat significance. OK, I shouldn’t say somewhat because it was an experience that meant a lot to me and one I cared for deeply, and unfortunately it didn’t turn out how I had hoped for.
I’ve talked about it before — the last time being in May, which was coincidentally also the last time I blogged at all — that time about how I had felt like I moved on. Now, that wasn’t entirely false. I had, I did. But slowly old feelings re-emerged and I realized maybe I hadn’t given myself quite enough time to grieve my heartache like I should have. Of course, the saying goes, it takes half the time you dated someone to move on from them, and in May it had been half the time. But, now in a matter of days (Oct. 12 to be exact), it’ll mark one year since I said goodbye to another chapter of my life in hopes one day I might be able to open that door again, if only even in the form of a friendship. But, eventually would I learn the truth that some things can never go back to the way they were.
And that’s a cold, hard truth.
And it’s not a surprise, nothing new. I’ve said goodbye to former flames and even friends without reconciliation, but even as I’ve gotten older, I realized it never quite gets easier because of that. Especially in the day and age of social media and how advance it has become, like Facebook reminding you of past memories of every day of the year. Yeah, great for most memories but not like the night when you treated your now ex-boyfriend to an expensive dinner only to have you guys break up an hour afterward. (Actual true story, by the way.)
I guess I’ve always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think in my mind it was my thought process that a person needed to change (I thought they should) and that if they did, everything would go back to the way it was. But, I learned that that isn’t reality and we can’t make people change — especially those who don’t think they need nor want to change. Plus, maybe it’s not even that we think people need to change, but that in our mind we become so consumed with that thought because it’s the only way we can wrap our mind about why said person left our life to begin with and wondering what we could have done to make them stay.
But get this — and people have and I know will continue to tell me this until I find my Mr. Right, or even if I simply close the door to a friendship — that what’s meant to be, will be. It can be so easy for us to become attached to a human, think that they’re beyond right for us, only to be faced with the cold hard truth that, said person leaving your life isn’t doing it to be mean, but simply because said person knows they’re not meant for your life.
For me, that’s a particular hard pill to swallow. Which, in all honesty it shouldn’t be as I feel I have personally written people off for a lot less — people I originally wanted so badly to stay in my life.
And those people who have done what I do/did to those leaving mine, trying desperately to do whatever I can to keep that person. I try my best for one more chance, only to be told it isn’t going to happen… like ever (hey, T-Swift); just like others have asked me for another chance, whether intentionally or subtly, I must and have to close a door.
What I’ve learned about breakups and ends of friendships is that even though they suck, I have been beyond blessed to be surrounded by loved ones, both friends and family, who offer a shoulder to cry on or lend a listening ear. They let you say you miss said person, that you want to see and talk to said person, only afterward to be that good friend or family member and remind you of everything you have to offer to someone who will actually cherish it.
Sure, we all can fall into these funks, especially when we’re hit with a new season that comes with less daylight and messes with our serotonin, the happy, feel good chemical our brain releases. But, like the time it actually happened, the breakup of a significant other or a friend, we find ourselves relying on our loved ones to get us through and remind us we’re strong; we’re capable of overcoming our feelings of sadness and loss; and most definitely will find another person to fall in love with or create an everlasting friendship with.
And like I’ve said before, while breakups in particular suck, no matter how long or little you two dated, or even how long ago the split was, in my opinion I will forever be grateful to have loved and lost rather than to never have loved at all.
So for those of you reading this who have mourned a romantic breakup or end of a friendship, know the storm doesn’t last forever. It’s so cliche, but like I mentioned earlier, I felt peace at one point before and I know in time, especially when this one year anniversary is over this month and a new season comes upon us — preferably spring/summer — I’ll be back to feeling 100 percent how I was before I even began the relationship or friendship.
It’s not just a matter of time healing all wounds, it’s a matter of changing your mindset to “I know I will be OK. I was OK before said relationship and I know I can and will be OK afterward.” Things happen in life that we don’t always agree with, but I believe they ultimately happen for a reason (even if it takes us awhile to fully understand that reason) and shape us into the person we are meant to be.
And trust me, there are far worse things in life to be sad about than someone not liking you. Their loss! Am I right or am I right?
Until next time…
XO,
Anamaria
ThirtySomething Shenanigans 
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