love – ThirtySomething Shenanigans

November 12, 2021

My Life Has Changed And I’m Changing With It…

Well, hello, readers!

Remember me?

It’s been a minute… like, a long, over a year minute, since I’ve last blogged. And let me tell you, a lot has happened since then.

Like the fact I GOT ENGAGED! 🙂

I said, “yes” to spending forever with the man of my dreams, whom I’ve longed for for as long as I can remember.

And I also said, “yes” to bariatric surgery. Oh, and getting a puppy.

YUP.

Writing this now I am officially down 36 lbs!

And for those of you reading this, shaking your head in disapproval that I took the “easy way out” — let me tell you, there has been nothing easy about this journey whatsoever.

But, more about that later.

First, let me spill all the mushy, romantic details on how my Mr. Right proposed to me. 🙂

What made it special was that it was just us two. At our home. (Awww, another thing — he moved in with me earlier this year.) And it was every bit romantic.

See, I have a love for Paris. Why? I don’t really know, considering I’ve never even been, but, from what I’ve seen on TV and in magazines and online, it’s definitely a spot I hope to cross off my bucket list some day.

Anyway, so our house has a Paris theme — particularly our bedroom. And he proposed to me in our bedroom so it could be like we were actually in Paris. And of course, there were ugly tears and all.

I, of course, knew it was coming. 😉 But, I won’t go into details about that, lol.

But, he proposed, I said yes, and then we quickly shared the news with both our parents and the rest of our family and friends.

Even though I knew it was coming, a huge wave of “relief” if you will, washed over me. Like I could finally let out a big, deep breath that my wait for Prince Charming was officically over.

OK, so it was technically over when we first started dating, but, I feel like the engagement really, really solidified our commitment to each other forever. And after dating the guys I did before him, well, they really did a number on my self-worth and made me question continuously if I really did deserve true love.

Well, now that I’m older and wiser, I know damn well I do.

Even though I still have my moments of doubt from time to time, Ryan always assures me that he loves me and that he’s not going anywhere. And I know this to be true, especially after he’s seen me at my absolute worst. But mind you, he’s also seen me at my absolute best. 🙂

So here we are, 7 months later, happily engaged. We have a date set for August 2022. The venue, photographer, DJ and videographer have all been booked. We have our bridal party. Bridesmaids dresses checked off. Now to work on the hotel accommodations , dinner menu, cake, wedding favors, center pieces and all the other little details.

It’s been a whirlwind to say the least. But, again, I am happy to have found my happily-ever-after. There was a long period where I didn’t think I would, or that I was even worthy of such a magical kind of love that I’d always seen on TV/movies and in books. So cheesy, I know, but, I was convinced of the aforementioned and that I was destined to be single forever. Not that there’s anything wrong with being single of course, but, I had longed to fall in love and get married. And now, here I am. 🙂

So thank you, sincerely, to all of those who told me all along that one day, when the timing was right, I’d find my Mr. Right and I would finally understand why it didn’t work out with the other guys I dated. I doubted yuou all for so long and thought y’all were crazy, so… 😉

Plus, in a weird sense, I have to thank those guys, too, for showing me what love isn’t and breaking my heart. Also, for the record, the previous guys I dated are not bad guys. Of course, there was a time period where that’s all I thought and I wished them ill, but, now that, again, I am older and wiser, I learned it takes far too much energy to despise someone. Plus, they’re off living their best lives (well, best for them), so why was I not out there living mine? I thank them for breaking my heart so I could finally set forth on the path to finding my Mr. Right. And while it was a bumpy ride, it was worth it in the end. 🙂

Now onto my other exciting, life-changing news.

I had gastric sleeve surgery August 30 and I am officially down 36 lbs from what I weighed the day of surgery. It’s been a challenging journey, to say the least. There have been so many times I’ve cried, yelled, wanted to throw in the towel and wish I could un-do the surgery. I questioned, was this really worth it?

The first few weeks post surgery were rough. So for the first two weeks, it was liquids only, which meant protein shakes, broth, creamed soup and popsicles. And as you can imagine, those get old pretty quick. Then, for the two weeks after that, it was those things plus pureed foods… so, mashed potatoes, lots and lots of mashed potatoes and pureed chicken, which, as you can imagine visually what it looked like, was not appetizing. then, after that was “soft” foods, which included lean chicken, cheese and eggs. Oh my gosh, you guys, you have no idea how excited and happy I was to be able to have these things. Normally I don’t particularly crave eggs. I mean, I’ll eat them, but, it’s not like I’m like OMG I want these every day. But, when you’re limited on what you can have, being able to finally have eggs felt like I hit the lottery.

Fast forward to week 6–which meant REAL FOODS! Y’all, I thought I might never make it. I mean, I cried more times than I care to count about how I wish I’d never done the “stupid” surgery and how I’d rather be fat than be deprived of the foods I love. But, as time’s gone on, that mindset has thankfully shifted.

I will admit, it’s still definitely hard some days. While I’ve been fortunate enough to not have any major side effects from eating regular good, it’s been a process reminding myself to eat slower and that it’s OK to have leftovers. That’s probably been the biggest thing — being OK with having leftovers. Because mentally, I think I should be able to finish a plate, so I try, but, then I’m left feeling violently ill. Thankfully I haven’t thrown up from eating too much, but, the other end was not so nice to me, lmao.

Overall, I am happy I stuck with it. I’m happy I went through it. You guys have no idea how scared I got the closer it got to surgery and even the day of surgery. The anesthesiologist came to talk to me and he was like do you have any questions or anything and I said dead serious: Don’t let me die. And then proceeded to cry.

I’d never undergone surgery and so that was my biggest fear. He then felt terrible and was like, “Oh my gosh, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I assured him it was fine and then before I knew it (well, after almost 2 hours total, lol) I was being whisked away to surgery.

The surgery went by fast. I thought. I mean, I don’t remember it, obviously, but, it didn’t seem like much time had gone by by the time I woke up. I think Ryan said I was in surgery for about an hour, or maybe a little more. But, I remember when I woke up and the nurses were trying to talk to me, asking how I was doing, and the anesthesia was still wearing off. It was so frustrating. I could hear and understand them but I couldn’t physically say anything. You know those dreams where you’re screaming, but, no one can hear you? Yeah, it was like that.

Overall, the surgery went all. I ended up being more scared than what was necessary. And since then I’ve been doing well, too. 🙂 So well, Ryan and I decided to treat ourselves and…

GET A PUPPY!

Oh… my… gosh. Has little Miss Delilah Mae given us a run for our money. So, for the longest time I’ve wanted a dog. And after talking about it with Ryan, we thought that getting a dog would help with my depression and anxiety. I don’t know if Delilah has helped it or worsened it. LOL, kidding. Sort of. So, I found Delilah, nameless, on a website called Hoobly. I had heard of it before and knew some people personally who’d had good luck on the site. I figured since they did, I should, too, right? Anyway, I find this dog and she’s just as sweet looking as can be. I reach out to the poster who lived about an hour away expressing my interest in the dog.

Originally, Ryan and I were interested in a boy, but, then the seller ended up selling him without letting Ryan and me know (I had to ask again) so I was like fine, we’ll take the girl if she’s still available. Well, we had planned on going to look at her on a Saturday. On the Tuesday before, I just sensed that we needed to act sooner or the girl would be sold, too, so, then we had agreed on Thursday. But again, felt this sense of urgency so I was like we’ll come tomorrow, Wednesday. Then, low and behold, we ended up bringing our sweet Delilah home. Well, cue the next day… My niece, who has experience with rescue dogs, discovered she had fleas. -_- When we picked up Delilah I thought she smelled like a farm and looking back, I wish I’d known better. But, to make a long-ish story short, we think she came from a puppy mill. I was never able to see where she lived before because the seller had us meet him at a Walmart. (At the time I didn’t think anything of it; I thought, oh good, now he can’t murder us or something, lol.) So, that was a lot to deal with. Frustrating, to say the least. But, of course, we couldn’t be mad at her because after all, it wasn’t her fault. I of course, maturely reached out to the seller and was like hey, she has fleas, just thought you should known (since I knew he had other dogs left to sell) and he never responded so, it was that lack of answer that I knew he knew this. It is what it is but, it was definitely a learning experience. Stressful, but, she’s been worth it. Mostly, lol. Keeps us busy and on our toes for sure.

Which, can be hard… especially since I recently was confirmed with having sleep apnea. I tell ya, it’s been an eventful 2021, hasn’t it? 😉 So, that’s a whole thing… Got myself a CPAP machine and let me tell you, how the heck do they expect people to sleep with these things on? Tonight will be my third night with it and while last night was better than the first, I know it’ll take some getting used to to getting a good night’s sleep with this damn thing on. So, wish me luck. And also, keep your fingers crossed that as I continue to lose weight that my apnea will dissipate and I won’t need my CPAP machine for forever.

Anyway, that’s all for now… Hopefully it won’t be too long before I get another post up here. Maybe 2022 will finally be the year I can and will update this regularly. Guess we’ll see. 😉

Until next time…

XO,

Ana

August 24, 2020August 25, 2020

1 Out Of 5 Stars, Would NOT Recommend 2020…

Well hello there! Capture

Long time, no see. Literally. Am I right?

Let’s see — the last blog post I did was in April, so, four months literally to the date. And no, I didn’t plan that, oddly.

*** Disclaimer: I started this post last Thursday with the intention of finishing it the same night and then I got sidetracked and then flash forward to now: Monday.

So, four months since my last post and well, not much has changed. I mean, we’re still in the middle of a, excuse my language — fucking — pandemic. Like, and at this point, I, and I assume like many other around the world, are FLIPPING OVER IT!

I mean, seriously. When my work transitioned us to working at home in March, never did I think in my wildest dreams that we would still be working from home until now, and, let alone until at least through the new year.

YUP.

You read that right, reader. My work has sent us official word that we will be working home until at least through Jan. 4, 2020.

Now, that could certainly change again as the time nears, and at this point, I can only hope it doesn’t.

Why?

Well, let me tell you why.

So, I have never been a huge public speaker (I mean, OK yeah, on some of my social media platforms more than others) on my “mental illness,” if you will. I know, I shouldn’t use quotes around that term as it is a very much real subject and simply thing countless people have/experience/live with.

I am one of them.

But, to be honest, and I don’t mean to be offensive when I say this — but, I don’t like that term. It’s probably because of the negative stigma still so very much associated with it, even though by now, 2020, I thought we would have made some progress as a society in terms of how we would view and treat those with mental illness — both treatment socially and medically.

Anyway, not my point. Yes, I do suffer from mental illness, though. I have depression and anxiety.

What? Me? No?

Yep. True. Not fake news.

Why?

Well, Jesus, I wish I knew WHY. The “why,” is what’s been increasingly getting to me during this pandemic. And well, let’s be honest, this pandemic and quarantine itself aren’t helping matters at all. They’ve both just made things worse, to be honest.

Which, brings me to why I decided to blog about it. Is this terrifying? Oh yeah, you know, only slightly!? But, I want to share this in hope it inspires other reading this to know it’s OK to not be OK sometimes. Whether you are someone who suffers from mental illness directly, or have someone in your life that does, or you just are otherwise going through a rough patch — it’s OK to seek help/support.

Believe me, after having become really honest with myself, I knew I had to share with other people so they don’t feel hopeless or defeated in their pursuit to get better.

“But Ana, everyone has bad days. You’ll get over it.”

Right. You would think depression is that easy, wouldn’t you? In fact, that’s a common misconception about depression specifically, is that an individual is just having a bad day and will only temporarily feel sad.

NOPE, WRONG!

During this pandemic, being quarantined with the rest of the world, my depression and anxiety told me I (and others who suffer from depression/anxiety/any other mental illness) had it the worst. No one would simply understand.

So what happened? Well, I literally began losing my marbles. I began to feel super isolated. Even though I was still able to see my parents, my one brother and dog, it didn’t make me feel better 100 percent.

I missed my sense of normalcy. I still do.

I began to dig myself into this imaginary rut/hole that I felt there wasn’t any escaping from. Mix this in with a long-distance, fairly new-ish relationship. I mean, could I really handle everything that I was forcing onto my plate? I didn’t think so.

So over the past few months I’ve thankfully still been able to continue therapy with my therapist through Zoom video chats and have gone to see my GP doctor a handful of times in hopes of finding a medication to balance my therapy in hope of both of them helping dig me out of this rut I felt myself falling further into.

Well, therapy has been great. I have been seeing my therapist for over a year now and I’ve grown to really like her. At first I was skeptical. Not because it was my first rodeo seeing a therapist, but, because I had my own misconceptions and stereotypes about therapists that made me cringe thinking of he/she asking, “And how does that make you feel?” There was no way I could handle that.

But, I gave her a chance and it’s definitely helped, but, it wasn’t enough. And that’s when she explained and a light bulb went off in my head that there is something wrong chemically in my brain. It was a silly conception to think at first — in fact, I shrugged it off, like, yeah, right, lady. OK.

Finally, though, I gave it more thought and realized she was right. I knew I was going to need something more than just therapy. Now granted, I had already been taking medication prior to and with therapy, but, it got to a point where it no longer felt like it was helping make things better. And then, like I said, enter in this quarantine in the middle of a pandemic and feeling isolated from the world, well, that’s when things really took a turn.

And again, I am sure there are some people reading this and will make it to the end and think, OK, yeah, I think you’re just being dramatic. And if you want to believe that, go ahead. I know not everyone buys into “mental illness” and health, but, like I said previously, I am hoping by sharing those post it will not only be therapeutic for me, but, also for others out there who are going through something similar.

Fast forward to now… I still struggle, absolutely. In fact, these past two weeks before my staycation at Ryan’s house, or, at the very beginning of it, I lost it. I truly felt like I had hit rock bottom.

I was terrified. I couldn’t wrap my mind and deal with why I felt so sad when I knew I have so much to be grateful for in life. It’s always a struggle between fighting to be happy while also realizing it’s perfectly normal to feel the way I do. Is it is ideal? Hell no. And to be quite frank, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

But, thankfully/luckily — I have an amazing support person — a support system, really. Seriously, though, major kudos go to Ryan — who, along the way, we have both learned to be even more patient and understanding when I get in one of those low moods.

I’ve shown my ugliest side to him — both metaphorically and literally. And his reaction and dealing with is it the definition of true love.

True love is partly what has helped me through this. Yes, of course, I have an infinite about of love from my family, but, they’re my family — it’s their job to love me. 😉 Kidding, sort of.

But, Ryan has a choice day in and day out to love me. And not once has he ever wavered. I have never met a more selfless, loving, caring, kind and patience man. I mean, I thought my past boyfriends were the bees knees, but, clearly I was wrong. I am and will forever be grateful to God or whatever other higher power is up there that led Ryan into my life. I can’t imagine showing my true, true self with anyone else.

Although I’ll be honest, that didn’t come easy. Even little things, like little quirks or whathaveyou, I did not want Ryan to be seeing/experiencing any of that. I mean, some things a significant other just does not need to know you do/say. LOL! But, over time, my guard lowered and I became more comfortable. I felt safe. Like I could be my true self and have that be enough–for the most part, anyway. (Remember, my mental illness tells me more often than not that I am not worthy of such a great love/relationship in my life.) I felt like I could say what was really weighing on my mind and tell him without needing to provide an explanation.

Of course, with my depression and anxiety, I so badly want to be able to explain it and the fact that I can’t, infuriates me to no end. He understands I can’t, and doesn’t expect me to explain, but, for someone who is on the receiver end of the illness and meh, maybe just a tad obsessive compulsive, can make me my own worst enemy.

My point in all of this is this: Let go of what others think of you. At the very least, speak up and speak out. Help end the stigma related to mental illness. If you are feeling sad or angry or even happy, really — share it. Reach out if you need help. Reach out even simply just to talk.

Will be it absolutely terrifying to do? Hell yes. But, look at me. Look at me blasting all my random thoughts in my head typed out into words and this time not on Twitter. (Because on yes, my Twitter account is just like an open diary to whomever wants to read it. But, also, again, because I am hoping maybe I can inspire others, even if only one person, to speak up and speak out; or just feel heard and know they’re not alone.) My family reads this–OK, maybe not every single person, but, I am sure some–strangers read this. My friends read this. I really don’t know who reads this but, if you are reading this and you either a) feel inspired, reach out and let me know. OR, if you need/want additional resources, my favorite is: 1-800-273-8255.

It’s OK to ask for help. Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak.

I believe it’s so important to seek help when you need it, even when it can be scary. Why? Because I lost someone to suicide when I was younger and while she was an adult at the time, and I a child, to this day it still impacts me very much. I can’t help but wonder why such a kind, loving and beautiful soul had to be dealt the card of mental illness in life. I wonder why her mental illness had to consume her to the point where she felt there was no other way out other than to end her own life.

It happened long ago while I am now 30 years old today, I am and always will be an advocate for mental illness and suicide prevention. Especially since I myself have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which are forms of mental illness. I want to be better. I want to do better. I don’t want my life to be defined by my actions as a result of my mental illness. I want to try and understand better so I can really believe people when they tell me it’s treatable and that there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

So until next time… I will work on small victories of self-care, which is how I will try to cope with my mental illness of depression and anxiety. Whether it’s something silly but small and still a victory like — getting dressed and doing my hair and makeup for the day; going outside to mow my lawn while listening to my favorite music; karaoking while in the shower or during work (when I am not receiving or making outbound calls, of course); giving myself at least one compliment a day, or even week (baby steps)–self love–something I struggle with a lot; not taking a nap after work because I am so tired from who knows (depression, etc); journaling; etc. These may seem small and trivial, but, like my therapist and Ryan like to remind me — I have to start somewhere and find what works for me. Remember, everyone is different and so self-care for me may look totally different to the next person.

Tell me, what are you doing during this pandemic to show yourself self love and care? Do you have any recommendations for me that I may have overlooked and you think I could benefit from?

Let’s get the conversation going to help #EndTheStigma.

XOXO,

Ana

April 20, 2020April 21, 2020

Every Day Is A Fresh Start…

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Hello, it’s me…

Remember me? It’s been over a year since I last published a blog post on here, and who knows since the last time I even visited my blog to make sure it wasn’t hacked or something and there weren’t embarrassing photos of me circulating on the internet.

Oh wait, that’s all of my pics. Ha. Kidding.

Well, so, where the hell do I even begin? The last blog post I talked about how I had handled the anniversary of my breakup with my previous boyfriend and how life was going at my latest job, Jackson National.

Flash forward to 2020… and here we are in the middle of a pandemic. The me a year ago could have never saw this pandemic. No one could have. But, back to that in a minute.

Let me first catch everyone up on what else happened in 2019 prior to shit hitting the fan in 2020. So, life happened as it was supposed to, I guess. Nothing too exciting that I at this very moment can think of. Part of it is, now that we are all on quarantine and I am working from home, all of the days are turning into one big blur. So, pardon me for not remembering all of 2019 now, lol, and for any spelling/grammar errors that may appear in this post. I’ll write now, edit later. Bear with me, too, I am writing this post being as basic can be with a glass of wine to the of my laptop.

Ah, yes, laptop. Why of course, yes, I do have a beautiful, brand spankin’ new desktop in my office in my HOME that I could certainly being utilizing, but, seeing as I spend 37.5 hours, sometimes more already outside of work, in that room and on that desktop, I figured I would set up shop in my kitchen at table on my old laptop, which is really only good now for Zooming with friends.

Anyway, 2019 highlights included… me turning 29, woo, last year of my 20s; the birth of my latest niece, Minah; celebration of my sister and cousin’s 45th birthdays up north, which, honestly, was probably the highlight of my year because it was THAT fun; holidays, etc… the usual. And obviously, totes more, and if I forgot anything else spectacular, I do apologize.

And… a new relationship bloomed! Whoa. Huh. What. Who? Me? Who would have thought? Yes. The start of what would become official Jan. 4, 2020. 😉 Yes, I decided to quit feeling sorry for myself and realize that what my family and friends have told me all along is that a) I do deserve someone great and will find said person and b) that I will find that person when the time is right.

Well, it turns out, I had found him back in 2016, when I started my job at The Argus-Press. Sports editor. Sat right across from him. But, we didn’t become official until much later. Too long of a story that I am sure my boyfriend does not care to have me re-hash on social media.

Anyway, let me tell you, my heart has been on a whole other level since such a great human being really made me realize that good guys do exist out there and that I am worthy of one. And man, without even trying or wanting to, he turned me into a big sap. A big puddle of mush that always gushes about him any chance I can get.

But hear me out, to each their own. For y’all that have followed me on this blog for awhile know that most of my blog posts have been about the demise of my previous relationship and the aftermath of it. It took me awhile, a long while, to get over him.

Looking back now, I feel silly I let myself feel so down about how and why things ended, but, everything happens for a reason for me, it ultimately did help that I let myself feel the grief, if you will, of saying goodbye to a relationship on someone I fell in love with once long ago.

Of course, now slightly older and feeling more wise, I to this day do not regret my past relationships. Did I contribute to us breaking up? Certainly. Honestly, I felt a lot of insecurity, some of which I still unfortunately feel today, that made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of the guy I was dating — even though, in hindsight, our relationship was often tumultuous and probably wasn’t the best slate for basing my relationships on moving forward.

But, again, not bashing my past relationship(s). I thank those men for teaching me that he wasn’t the one. And that I wasn’t the one for them. Was I hurt/devastated/angry/sad when we broke up? Oh, yes. But, as time has gone on, I’ve learned it takes much more effort to be mad and dislike or even hate someone than it does to simply forgive them and move on. So eventually, I did.

I forgave him. I forgave myself for acting the way I did, but also forgave myself for allowing myself to think that that’s who was meant for me.

Flash forward to this relationship… It’s going to sound so cliche, but, I really feel like the happiest girl in the world. And, here I am turning into a sap, yet again — or maybe it’s the red wine I’m finally feeling — haha — but, I do sometimes feel like it’s a dream because, how on Earth could I snag a man as wonderful as him?

I won’t bore you with the mushy details of why I think my boyfriend is all of that and a bag of chips, although, if you really want to know — go check out my Instagram — that’s where I post my occasional “boyfriend brags,” lol. Sorry, Ryan!

Moving along…

Back in November 2019 was my one year anniversary at Jackson and coming up in just a few weeks on May 4, 2020, (oh, May the Fourth be with me! LOL) will be my year and a half anniversary. It truly amazes me how fast my time has flown by at Jackson. I guess it’s true, time flies when you’re having fun. I really have enjoyed my time working at Jackson and becoming good friends with my coworkers. I am happy to be back working and living in my hometown, which brings me to latest update from 2020…

As of January 31, 2020, I became a first time homeowner. Can you believe it? Yes! I looked at houses for couple of months, not too many, but, then I finally found the one meant for me. And now, more so than ever, am I relieved my realtor was able to make magic happen and have me close when I did because otherwise, my house hunt would have been put on hold for who knows how long due to the current pandemic.

It was an interesting experience. I looked on Zillow a lot for houses within my price range and it seemed as soon as I found one I liked and texted my realtor that we were interested, the next day it was sold. It was crazy. But, at least I found one and closed one day and literally moved the next day. I still have long-term projects to work on — the main one being painting, with the help of my dad and grandpa, etc. when the stay at home order and lifted and things can return to normal — or, our new normal. My dad talked about remodeling my kitchen, but, my mom and I don’t hate it nor feel it needs it so, we’ll see if that is actually something that happens. I am also trying to find a new couch to buy for my living room that won’t cost me a freakin’ arm or a leg, as well as eventually a new coffee table and entertainment center for living room. Other items I would like longer down the road are to buy a day bed for my guest room and to finish the now partially-finished basement. I’m sure between now and who knows I’ll find other, smaller, but still important things I want to accomplish, but, truth be told, I’ve been successful in making my house feel like my home as much as I could so far.

Of course, being a homeowner comes with its own set of challenges, which, in all of my almost 30 years I haven’t had to deal with personally, lol. Like: mowing my lawn; shoveling snow in my driveway and sidewalk — woof; changing my address on my license; updating all of my mailing/billing addresses for banking info/credit card; myriad other things. It’s been a learning curve. And thankfully, I guess thankfully, the weather here has been so back and forth that I haven’t had to worry too much about mowing my lawn but, now we’re at a point where, well, I need to get myself a lawnmower ASAP. Baby steps. Also, if you know of any local lawn care places that can hook me up once the stay at home order is lifted, let your girl know. 😉

Well, I guess that’s all for now. Outside of work I’ve been watching TV, Netflix; Zooming with friends and family; drinking wine; napping; coloring; keeping my therapy appointments via telehealth, which has been detrimental to making sure I don’t lose my mind by being cooped up inside. No shame in sharing that and I believe more people should be more willing, if able to, give it try if needed. #MentalHealthMatters #MentalHealthAwareness

P.S. If you have any additional ideas outside of the ones I’ve posted above about how I can make sure to not lose my sanity during this time, leave a comment below. 🙂 Thanks in advance.

Anyway, until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

January 2, 2019January 2, 2019

The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don’t want…

Happy New Year, readers!

We’re two days into 2019 and I thought with the kick off of a new year, I’d share some highlights of what I’ve been up to lately and my goals/resolutions of sorts that I have for this year.

So the last time I blogged was back in October, right before the one year anniversary of my breakup with my ex-boyfriend. It came and went as expected; I believe I went out the night of to distract myself and have fun. I tell ya, and I know I’ve said it countless times before, but I wouldn’t get through the tough times without my friends (OK, and of course, family, too).

Anyway, the day came and went and I always kept thinking about the day we broke up and the time we spent dating in the back of my mind every now and then, determined to finally get over him and the situation. Of course, like I’ve also said countless times before — that’s much easier said than done.

After that came and passed, I didn’t spend too much dwelling over it because, well, I had something very, very exciting to look forward to — a new full-time job! I was offered and accepted a position at Jackson National Life. The position is totally opposite of my former job as a reporter but let me tell you, I absolutely love it. I am so beyond happy and was absolutely thrilled to have been offered a position in my hometown, something that has always been my goal. Saturday marks two months since I started working there and I am so beyond eager and excited to see what the next 10 months (until my one year work anniversary) and beyond hold for me. I have a feeling it’s going to be great.

In addition to that, I spent my holidays with all my loved ones, family and friends — my friends and I did a friendgiving dinner and Christmas party gift exchange, which my cousin and his girlfriend — my best friend — were gracious enough to host at their house.

Soon enough the new year was here and right before it arrived, I met up with my ex-boyfriend.

*Cue the silence*

Yup.

We both got invited to a mutual friend’s going away party and before I knew it, we agreed to meet up beforehand for dinner.

Let me tell you how I felt…

Well, at first, I was honestly speechless. After having not seen each other for more than a year and barely talking on social media outside of that, I wasn’t sure how to feel about meeting up with an old flame.

Alright, so maybe I did. Honestly, albeit maybe even a bit (or a lot?) pathetically I had dreamed/imagined about what it would be like if we ever saw each other or hung out with one another. I tried my best not to give it too much thought, though, sort of, because based on the few conversations we had had it just didn’t seem like a likely scenario.

But, cue to the week before the party and we agreed to meet right before the party the day of. Honestly, I tried not to hold my breath because I just had this gut feeling tell me things would fall through. But, as the day of the party approached, he messaged me to ask if I still would like to get together. I did my best to play cool (lmao) and agreed. But what would we do — coffee, drinks, dinner?

I had already had a coffee shortly before we met up so we agreed on dinner. The next question was, though, where would we go? I being the indecisive person I am, let him decide and of course he just happened to pick my favorite restaurant. Not sure if he even knew that, but I was both thrilled and confused as to what, if anything, it meant. Although, based on how things went into the night and next day, I don’t think it meant much, if anything.

We agreed to meet at the restaurant and I arrived early, texting my friends I felt sick to my stomach. Why? What was I so nervous about? Oh, I don’t know because I was going to see my ex-boyfriend who I hadn’t seen in more than a year and didn’t end on the best terms with at the time. I really didn’t I think could do it. Yes, me, a grown ass woman (who deep down knows I don’t need a man and shouldn’t be freaking out over an old flame) was panicking about how things would go. How would we greet each other? What would we talk about? Would we even talk at all or simply sit there awkwardly and stare at each other?

As it turns out, you can’t let shit like that bother you. It went fine. And our greeting with a hug took me back to a good time when we used to date. I guess, yes, old feelings came flooding back but as I had told myself numerous times before and he made clear — we were just friends. Dinner went fine and smooth; us catching each other up on what the other has been up to over the past year. Even learned of a short-term girlfriend he had and honestly, I wasn’t bothered. The younger me would have been, as silly and ludicrous as it is, but as time has gone on, and what I remind myself of all the time — is that time does heal wounds. I was happy that he was happy.

Following dinner we rode to the going away party together and again, I still had those old feelings in the air, feeling both happy and sad at how much had changed since we first met and even started dating. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice, but as the night went on it felt like we could have been a couple, which threw me for a loop because I know realistically we can’t. And I was even more sure of that by the end of the night and New Year’s Eve.

It’s not to say I wouldn’t maybe date him again — or, that was my thought until Monday. Something about it being a new year and having had a chance to see him again after so long — made me more determined now than ever, to let him go. Maybe some day we can be friends or lovers again, but for now, I need and so badly want to focus on my exciting future both personally and professionally. I’m ready to give my all, my love, to a man who’s just as motivated to give the same back to me. Someone who is as certain about me as I am about them.

Remember ladies and men, know your worth and don’t let anyone treat you like you’re less than.

Anyway, something about the clock striking midnight had me feeling so excited, even more so than in years past. I don’t know exactly what it was, what my pinpoint was for my happiness and eagerness but I know one thing for sure, this year is going to be MY year. I have hope for this year that I’ll excel in my job, make new friends and meet new people to possibly date. Aaaaand eventually get around to actually working out in addition to eating healthier.

Life is too short to not take advantage of what it throws at us, good or bad. The bad times make us stronger and more appreciative and the good times are memories you’ll be able and want to cherish forever.

Who knows, too, maybe, just maybe my Mr. Right will appear in my life. Cheesy and cliche, I know. But at the same time — I think it’s about my time. I’ve been patient enough in waiting for love so bring it in 2019! LOL! Even if I don’t find Mr. Right this year, there is always next. And dating in the mean time should be fun. As Old Dominion sings…

“You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart.”

So no matter what your new solutions are, or whatever you’re letting go of and saying goodbye to in 2019, maintain the positive attitude that life will reward you with something new.

Until next time, readers…

XO,

Anamaria

October 2, 2018October 3, 2018

A lot can happen in a year…

Five months. Boy, do I really know how to maintain a blog.

Oops!

Well, regardless, here I am at the beginning of a new month and a few weeks into a new season: fall.

I like fall, and a new season in general, but if I’m being completely honest, the shorter amount of sunlight during the fall/winter days makes me not at my peak of happiness.

I don’t believe I have actual seasonal affective disorder and to be clear, I’m certainly not saying there is anything wrong with those who suffer from it.

Then again, this month marks something of somewhat significance. OK, I shouldn’t say somewhat because it was an experience that meant a lot to me and one I cared for deeply, and unfortunately it didn’t turn out how I had hoped for.

I’ve talked about it before — the last time being in May, which was coincidentally also the last time I blogged at all — that time about how I had felt like I moved on. Now, that wasn’t entirely false. I had, I did. But slowly old feelings re-emerged and I realized maybe I hadn’t given myself quite enough time to grieve my heartache like I should have. Of course, the saying goes, it takes half the time you dated someone to move on from them, and in May it had been half the time. But, now in a matter of days (Oct. 12 to be exact), it’ll mark one year since I said goodbye to another chapter of my life in hopes one day I might be able to open that door again, if only even in the form of a friendship. But, eventually would I learn the truth that some things can never go back to the way they were.

And that’s a cold, hard truth.

And it’s not a surprise, nothing new. I’ve said goodbye to former flames and even friends without reconciliation, but even as I’ve gotten older, I realized it never quite gets easier because of that. Especially in the day and age of social media and how advance it has become, like Facebook reminding you of past memories of every day of the year. Yeah, great for most memories but not like the night when you treated your now ex-boyfriend to an expensive dinner only to have you guys break up an hour afterward. (Actual true story, by the way.)

I guess I’ve always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think in my mind it was my thought process that a person needed to change (I thought they should) and that if they did, everything would go back to the way it was. But, I learned that that isn’t reality and we can’t make people change — especially those who don’t think they need nor want to change. Plus, maybe it’s not even that we think people need to change, but that in our mind we become so consumed with that thought because it’s the only way we can wrap our mind about why said person left our life to begin with and wondering what we could have done to make them stay.

But get this — and people have and I know will continue to tell me this until I find my Mr. Right, or even if I simply close the door to a friendship — that what’s meant to be, will be. It can be so easy for us to become attached to a human, think that they’re beyond right for us, only to be faced with the cold hard truth that, said person leaving your life isn’t doing it to be mean, but simply because said person knows they’re not meant for your life.

For me, that’s a particular hard pill to swallow. Which, in all honesty it shouldn’t be as I feel I have personally written people off for a lot less — people I originally wanted so badly to stay in my life.

And those people who have done what I do/did to those leaving mine, trying desperately to do whatever I can to keep that person. I try my best for one more chance, only to be told it isn’t going to happen… like ever (hey, T-Swift); just like others have asked me for another chance, whether intentionally or subtly, I must and have to close a door.

What I’ve learned about breakups and ends of friendships is that even though they suck, I have been beyond blessed to be surrounded by loved ones, both friends and family, who offer a shoulder to cry on or lend a listening ear. They let you say you miss said person, that you want to see and talk to said person, only afterward to be that good friend or family member and remind you of everything you have to offer to someone who will actually cherish it.

Sure, we all can fall into these funks, especially when we’re hit with a new season that comes with less daylight and messes with our serotonin, the happy, feel good chemical our brain releases. But, like the time it actually happened, the breakup of a significant other or a friend, we find ourselves relying on our loved ones to get us through and remind us we’re strong; we’re capable of overcoming our feelings of sadness and loss; and most definitely will find another person to fall in love with or create an everlasting friendship with.

And like I’ve said before, while breakups in particular suck, no matter how long or little you two dated, or even how long ago the split was, in my opinion I will forever be grateful to have loved and lost rather than to never have loved at all.

So for those of you reading this who have mourned a romantic breakup or end of a friendship, know the storm doesn’t last forever. It’s so cliche, but like I mentioned earlier, I felt peace at one point before and I know in time, especially when this one year anniversary is over this month and a new season comes upon us — preferably spring/summer — I’ll be back to feeling 100 percent how I was before I even began the relationship or friendship.

It’s not just a matter of time healing all wounds, it’s a matter of changing your mindset to “I know I will be OK. I was OK before said relationship and I know I can and will be OK afterward.” Things happen in life that we don’t always agree with, but I believe they ultimately happen for a reason (even if it takes us awhile to fully understand that reason) and shape us into the person we are meant to be.

And trust me, there are far worse things in life to be sad about than someone not liking you. Their loss! Am I right or am I right?

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

February 25, 2018February 26, 2018

Fall in love with as many things as possible…

Love. A four letter word that can mean different things to different people.

Tell me: what do you love?

I love a lot of things. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my job. I love shopping. I love traveling. I love coffee. I love writing. I love shoes. Clearly, I love a lot of things. The list is… almost endless. Because you see, although there are many things I do love, I know there’s a whole range of things out there that I have yet to love.I got to thinking about what I love, what I want to love, and what others love while I’ve been enjoying this much needed, fabulous vacation to Tennessee these past five days.I saw that others love each other. They love their baby. They love their cat. They love their dog. They love their home. They love smiling, laughing. It made me excited and eager to one day share those same feelings of love on my own some day.It’s strange, how life kind of flashes before our eyes sometimes.To this day, when I hear someone is expecting, or engaged, or moving in together, getting married, I think, what? No way. We’re too young. Only then to realize that I will in fact be 28 in just over three months and my close friends only trailing one year behind. We’re not as young as we used to be. Of course there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just a fact that’s taken me awhile to get around to realizing.I’ll admit, I get envious in the beginning, seeing my friends and others people I know experiencing all these milestones, thinking about how when I was younger I had this idea and plan in my head that I would be married by the time I was 26, be living in a house with my husband and experiencing that happily-ever-after I saw my parents experience being high school sweethearts.But, as I got older and time went on, I learned that my life likely wouldn’t pan out as I had hoped and wanted. And it took me some time to be OK with that. It took time for me to accept and be happy for my friends when they hit these milestones. After all, that’s what I should want for my friends–for them to be happy. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t want that for them? Of course, though, too, I always want what’s best for them.Visiting my best friend and college roommate this weekend has made me over-the-noon happy to see just how in love her and her fiancé are. It makes me even more happy and excited for when I get to experience the same thing one day. I don’t know when exactly it will happen but I have hope and confidence it will.In the mean time, I’ll continue loving what I already love and learning to love more along the way. I hope to fall even more in love with my life in general. Being grateful to be alive and see another day, especially given recent current events where people’s lives were cut much too short.I hope to fall in love with trying new things, whether it’s an activity, a food or drink, or something like going out on a date! Keeping my options open. ;)I hope to fall in love with seeing cute kids and not being instantly annoyed when I see them, LMAO, because God forbid I have my own some day. Lolol.I love chocolate. I love the beauty of nature. I love driving with the windows down and the music cranked up. I love feel good news stories I get to report on. I love Target. I love sunshine. I love being up north at my cottage. I love being out on the lake. I love… many things.I hope to fall in love with so much more than I already have in my almost 28 years of living. I have to remind myself every once in awhile that I’m still young and I have my whole life ahead of me.See, loving something doesn’t always have to be about romance but if it is, all the more amazing it is. 😉So tell me, what do you love right now? What do you hope to fall in love with in the future?Until next time…XO,Anamaria

December 13, 2017December 13, 2017

A goal should scare you a little and excite you a lot…

Guys, it’s almost 2018.

Like, in 18 days, a new year will be upon us.

I keep coming across “On the Day” memories on Facebook and to think of where I was this day last year, yesterday last year, or even the first of this year, so much has happened that I could have never even imagined.

While none of us are ever certain what the future holds, it’s exciting to experience it firsthand as it unfolds right before our very eyes.

Of course, I can’t recall every exact moment as it happened but the big ones, of course I do. Around this time last year I was contemplating and wondering if a change might happen where I would end up back in Michigan. Little did I know at the time, a month later, I would be.

Living and working in Indiana at The Chronicle-Tribune was a great experience. I remember driving there, by myself, two and a half hours to my interview, nervous, not knowing what to expect, but hoping with all my might I would get the job. After all, it had been almost two years since I had graduated from Central Michigan University and at that point, my optimism about me landing a job as a reporter was starting to dwindle.

But, into the office I went and talked with Dave and Tyler, and after a few minutes feeling a sense of ease. I wasn’t as nervous and suddenly thought about all the possibilities there would be for me there if they offered me the job. Of course, like most jobs, they had other candidates vying for the position, too, and so a part of me couldn’t help but wonder, what if that person was more qualified than me?

So I wait for the next few weeks to see if I hear anything than them. I was constantly checking my phone and e-mail, only to see “no new messages.” Finally, it got to the point where I felt confident enough to follow up with them myself and see if the position had been filled.

I was extremely nervous calling and half of me was expecting yet another “Sorry, we ended up going with another candidate” or some variation of that message, only to be pleasantly surprised that I had been offered the job.

I wanted to scream! I was silently jumping up and down on my end of the line, trying to contain my excitement while still remaining composed on the phone.

I thought, could this be real life?

Of course while I was excited I knew I had a big decision to make. Would I accept, or respectfully decline?

I wanted to say yes immediately, but given the job was out of state and that I knew very little, if anything, about Marion, that I would need to do thorough research about where to live, cost of living, etc.

I didn’t ponder this while on the phone but I did let them know I would need a day or two to think before giving them my final answer.

Looking back, I can’t remember now if I actually even waited a full day or two, but I do remember excitedly calling up my all of my family and closest friends that day, gleaming with pure excitement.

Fast forward to my first day, and I was nervous. I was super excited, but I was nervous because it was a new environment for me, both the place of work and the city I was in. I remember being very reserved and quiet around my coworkers, not sure how to break the ice with them and become more than just coworkers, but friends, too, and I spent a good long while simply keeping to myself to make sure I stayed in the good graces of the big bosses and doing as I was told.

Fast forward even more, and soon Amy left go to back to teaching at Indiana Wesleyan University, which meant we had a vacancy for a new reporter. I was nervous who might join us, but later I would find out I had no reason to be nervous.

Andrea ended up joining us and soon her, Navar and I became best buddies, laughing, tweeting, Snapchatting and group texting 24/7. We would even go out to lunch together on a regular basis, too. It was a blast.

But, while as much fun as I was having with them, and enjoyed getting to know the Marion community and local officials, there was something gnawing at me on the inside that told me I wanted to come back to Michigan.

Michigan is my home. It’s where I grew up, what I’ve known my whole life. It’s where my family is at and family is the most important thing to me. And while my job was just as important, I knew I wasn’t completely 100 percent satisfied, even if I kept telling myself I was.

So, flash forward some more to end of December 2016/beginning of January 2017 and I am scheduling am interview at The Argus-Press.

Talk about being nervous. I was even more nervous about this interview because I knew at that point I had to be discreet about it seeing as I was still working for the C-T.

In the end, everything worked out just fine, but the whole experience of ending one job and beginning another brought a mix of emotions.

Ultimately, I would learn, it would be one of the best decisions I made.

In just over one month, on Jan. 16, 2018, will be the one year anniversary of when I began working for The Argus-Press.

Looking back on the year, both professionally and personally, it doesn’t feel as though it’s been a whole year. I think of certain memories and think, no way could that have happened in January, or no way could that have happened in May, etc.

I traveled to Nashville, my youngest nephew turned one, I was able to celebrate holidays (albeit however Hallmark-ish they were, lol) with a special someone, went camping in an actual tent for my first time (LOL), turned 28, gained a new cousin, gained new friends, parted myself from things and people who no longer served my life in a positive way and so much more.

So much has happened, none of which I could have pictured at the end of 2016. So as I sit here and wonder about what will happen in 2018, I won’t be nervous. I will look forward to the new year with excitement.

I don’t know what will happen, nor does any silly Facebook quiz (LOL), but here’s what I hope will happen:

I hope for a new year filled with happiness. Although as I know life goes, I’m sure it will be bound with some tears here and there, but only temporarily.

I hope to open myself up to love again. I can’t tell you how much I love the concept and idea of love and how excited I am, whenever it may be — whether it’s in 2018 or the year after or the year after that—to fall in love.

I hope to fall in love with my job even more than I already have.

I hope to make new friends here, not just work interview sources, but actual people I can call my friends.

I hope to really get to know more about the city here and the surrounding areas so I am apt to stay in town more on weekends I don’t work.

I hope to travel more, which I am already planning to at the end of February to visit my best friend and her boyfriend in their new house they now live in together.

I hope to make new friendships in general, just not here where I’m living.

I hope to be able to better let go of circumstances and people who no longer serve me or put forth the same effort to have me in their life.

Most of all, aside from my own happiness, I hope that my family and friends experience happiness throughout their new year as well. every day, because they deserve it.

Like I said, no one ever really knows what the new year will bring but I have a feeling mine will be just a great, because while I won’t expect it, it’ll be whatever was meant to happen to me… because everything happens for a reason.

So don’t be scared or anxious… Be excited about the future and remember to always cherish past memories because it’s all we have at the end of the day when the day is done and over with. 🙂

So tell me, what do you hope the new year brings you?

Tell me in the comments.

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

November 15, 2017November 15, 2017

The adoption took time, the love arrived instantly…

peace_love_adoption_logo_21

You may not know this but, I’m adopted.

In honor of November being National Adoption Awareness Month and Saturday being National Adoption Day, I thought I would share a bit about my own adoption story…

I was adopted when I was four months old from Guatemala.

I grew up in a home with five siblings—three brothers and two sisters.

Some times, although not all, people will see my family and me out in public and have this look about them that says, “They’re related?”

Going along with this, I more times than not get asked the same question individually, to which my answer is always ‘yes.’

But how? Their puzzled face reads.

Most of the time, especially to this day when I get asked, I just simply say yes and leave it at that. I don’t offer them the details of my whole life story.

It’s not that I am ashamed of being adopted by any means, but, there’s just some people who I simply don’t feel the need or want to share my story with, especially if and when I get the vibe that they’re being just nosy.

Being an adoptee is a great thing.

Not that being not adopted isn’t great, but I love, when I want to, being able to share my story with others, especially those around the world who may be contemplating adoption at some point in their life. I want to raise awareness about the option of adoption.

Being adopted can bring unsolicited advice and comments from time to time, most of which I can usually shrug off while, other times I think, “Why on Earth would someone ask me something like that?”

I’ve gotten the typical comments of “Your parents didn’t love you,” You weren’t wanted,” and other variations of the like.

Of course, at times, especially when I was younger, those words might have hurt. Now, as a grown woman, I practically laugh because for my biological parents, I’d say it was one of the most loving things they could do for me. I don’t know them, but I can only imagine that both my parents and other adoptee’s parents want what’s best for them, something to which they perhaps thought they couldn’t provide.

What my birth parents did was selfless. It was loving. It was likely the hardest decision they ever had to make.

Of course, this thought brings along the unsolicited question of: “Would you ever want to meet your birth parents?”

That’s a tricky one.

On one hand, yes, I have certainly thought about it, but from having my own conversations with family members and other adoptees outside of my family, it’s not at the top of my priority list.

My family now and which I grew up with, is my family. Now, naturally I am a curious person and have wondered a time or two if I have more siblings, and if my birth parents are even alive, but for the most part, other than to find out medical history, perhaps, I don’t have a burning desire to meet my birth parents.

Why?

Well, because like I said above, my family now is my family. And I personally just think it would be weird, awkward, uncomfortable. Now that doesn’t mean I have any issue with other adoptees seeking out their birth family but like I said, for me, it’s just never been a burning desire of mine. I will say this though, I do hope to one day travel to Guatemala and learn more about my culture.

Going back to what life was like growing up adopted…

Well, one particular incident is what led to my best friend and I becoming just that: best friends, to which we remain today all these years later—despite her moving away in the third grade, us going to different colleges and us now living three hours apart.

My best friend, like me, is adopted. So cool, right? But that’s obviously just one perk of her being my best friend.

In second grade, I can’t recall who the student was but a student was making fun of me for being adopted. At that age, looking back now, where do kids even come up with this stuff? Of course I was upset and my friend, my best friend Erin K., stood up right away and defended me. And since then, we’ve been inseparable.

While most of my life and memories have been positive and happy, there have been some far and few in between like that time in second grade.

Another one came via telephone a few years back, much older than I was in second grade. One of my mom’s “friends” (I say this loosely because, I don’t consider her the definition of a real friend but, that’s for another time, LOL) called our house. I answered and she immediately started talking to me as if she thought I was my mom. I quickly interrupted her and told her I wasn’t my mom, to her which her response was:

“You guys sound so much alike, which is weird since you two aren’t genetically related.”

My jaw dropped to the floor. I couldn’t believe someone, especially a grown adult who is supposedly my mom’s friend, would even think to say something like that and think it’s OK. She’s lucky I didn’t just hang up on her right then and there.

But, overall, like I said, being an adoptee has been awesome. I love that I have a diverse family because it makes me appreciate those different than me that much more.

I am the youngest of six kids. My two sisters are our parent’s biological children/Caucasian, while my brothers are adopted/from Korea. Talk about diversified. 🙂

Nowadays I find the look on people’s faces more funny than rude, and whenever people ask me where I’m from and I say, “Michigan,” for the sake of not having to divulge my entire back story, I get the puzzled look to which I respond by moving ahead in the conversation.

For the most people, people will let it be and let it go, while others question me and ask, “No, really? Where are you really from?” I just smile and say, That is where I’m from. 😉

So, if you’re someone out there reading this and didn’t know much or anything about adoption before and what it means for us adoptees to be adopted, I hope this opened your eyes. And I hope it inspires you to broaden your horizons and seek out other adoption stories in honor of #NationalAdoptionAwarenessMonth.

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

November 6, 2017November 8, 2017

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Problems…

Hello, November.

‘Tis the season for eagerly awaiting turkey day sure to be full of lots turkey, of course, and all the fixings.

But of course the season, and this month in particular, is about more than just the good food that’s bound to come. It’s about being thankful.

Quotes About Change And Growth Diddy Quotes Puff Daddy Success | Diddy Quotes | Sean Combs Quotes – Daily Quote

This year, right now, I am extremely thankful for the people in my life. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have made the progress I have in just under a month after experiencing the end of a relationship I pictured for the long term.

It’s true, the saying, “I get by with a little help from my friends.” (And family, too.)

They are the ones who love you unconditionally, make you smile when you’re sad and make you cry from laughing so hard. They are the ones who, sometimes despite their best efforts to stop you from being sad, let you use their shoulder to cry on and ears to vent to. They are the ones who remind you that just because one bad experience happened to you, doesn’t mean you have a bad life.

No one said life was easy, but it doesn’t have to be hard, either. We have the power to choose our own happiness and you have to make a conscious decision to be just that, happy, every day. And that’s something I continue to work on.

If it weren’t for them, my family and friends, I wouldn’t be able to see clearly that all of my life’s experiences, whether good or bad, teach me a lesson. The good ones make me happy and give me just that, a happy experience to look back on, while the bad ones teach me how to do better for next time and that there’s something better out there waiting for me, for which I cannot wait.

Sure, I miss what was, and a part of me always will. We had good times and I’ll always cherish those. I don’t regret our relationship. He was a great guy, just not the right guy for me. I’ll always cherish our relationship as a whole, too, but I’ll also move on from it, to the next chapter of my life. This past relationship taught me a lot about myself and love. I can look back and be happy about the good times we did share but remind myself, there’s another special someone out there for me who is my Mr. Right.

So to my dear family and friends, thank you.

Thank you all, family and friends, for…

Allowing me to cry with non-waterproof mascara down my face on your shoulder.
Allowing me to vent about how I think my life sucks and it’s over but reassuring me that there are plenty more fish in the sea and a silver lining to this cloud.
To all the texts, Facebook and Snapchat messages checking in on me to make sure I am hanging in there, some from people I wouldn’t have expected.
(My two best friends) driving 45 minutes just to come see me and hang out with me the day after the break up because they knew I was a wreck.
(My best friend in Nashville) texting me right away asking how I was doing, because she is the testament to a true friend, one who despite hundreds of miles between us, can offer support even over iMessages, lol. 🙂
The women in my family: Reminding me of what I deserve and to never, ever settle — in any aspect of life, but especially relationships.
Continuing to lift me on those days where I can’t help but think I miss the idea of us but pointing out that some people just aren’t meant to be, and that’s OK.
Letting me be sad for the time being and then making sure I don’t stay in that rut and getting out there and having fun, living my life and meeting new people.
Most of all, just thank you for being here for me overall, not just during this tough time but through all my other tough times, as well as good times.

I recently bought this wooden sign that says:

“My friends have made the story of my life”

and that could not be more true. So to my friends and family, thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. I am on the mend and I feel good about life. I am eager to see what this new month and the upcoming new year has in store for me.

Perhaps when I am fully healed I can open my heart to love again, or at least the possibility of it. I’m excited to just do things that make me happy while also enjoying the company of my loved ones, for who I am so incredibly thankful for, this month, and every other day and month of the year.

Until next time…

XO,

Anamaria

October 23, 2017October 23, 2017

Be kind, be thoughtful, be genuine, but most of all, be thankful…

still-life-07

I know I don’t say it enough but I have to say, I am extremely thankful to have the people I do in my life.

Whether it’s my family, best friends or acquaintances, they have proved to me in both good times and bad that I can rely on them, sometimes without me even reaching out to them first.

Reeling with a breakup is tough. I won’t be afraid to admit it that this one hurts like hell. And I know, I’m well aware I need to move on, and in time, I will.

I know I need to quit analyzing what went wrong because no matter how hard I try, it won’t ever make sense to me and I’ll likely never have a definitive answer, anyway. That’s the hard part. I hate not knowing things, the reasoning. Perhaps it’s part of my natural curiosity for things in general? Who knows…

For the longest time I never believed in “everything happens for a reason” but, as I got older, I realized that for me personally, it was the only way I could live my life. I had to believe there was a reason, even for the bad things, as to why they happened.

And I believe in it whole-heartedly now. While I may not know the answer now or ever, I must and do take comfort in knowing God must have something bigger up his sleeve for me.

I got to thinking the other day when talking with my cousin’s girlfriend about how her grandpa wants her to get married before he dies. It got me thinking to why I felt I was in such a rush to fall in love and get married and I realized that’s one of the reasons.

Of course, when I told this to my mom she said, and I of course agreed with her, that I couldn’t marry someone only for that fact. But, it definitely does play a big factor. On the other hand, I’ve wanted to fall in love and get married for as long as I can remember. I just love love. There is no simpler way for me to say it.

And while unfortunately I’ve dated frogs and haven’t found my prince yet, it was through those experiences that I learned what I will and won’t settle for when I do find true love and how thrilling and exciting it will be when I do find Mr. Right.

It also was through those experiences that I learned I do have true people in my life who I can lean on and whose shoulder I can cry on when my heart gets broken or for any other rough patch in life. People who will love me day in and day out and continue to do so no matter how many mistakes I make, or in this case, get my heartbroken and feel as though I’m not good enough.

Let me tell you, having a support system like I do is the greatest thing of all in life. I wouldn’t have made it through my past breakups, or other hardships in life, if it weren’t for my amazing friends, family and others who have gone out of their way to make sure they know I am always loved and cared for, and that my value doesn’t decrease just because of someone else’s inability to see it.

Sure, I roll my eyes — with a smile — when they tell me, because while as much as I don’t feel like I’m worth it when my heart and spirits get crushed, deep down I know it’s true, that I am loved.

Not only by them, but by God, too. I’m not a hugely religious person or anything but I do believe in God and ironically enough yesterday as I was driving back home I passed a church sign that said, “When all else fails, God loves you.”

It was a message that couldn’t have came at a better time for the situation I am dealing with right now. OK, so not all has failed me, like my mom pointed out, and that there are people beyond God who love me, but still, it was just both eerie and a nice reminder to know that I am not alone in feeling like this at the moment.

Like I said, in time I will get over this heartbreak. But it will take time. This I know.

It’s strange, though, while I am sad, I am also grateful for the experience because like I said above, it taught me what I will and will not settle for in the future. And like the quote goes,”It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

So we didn’t work out? It sucks. But the people who end up being wrong for us end up leading us to the person who is right for us. And for that I am excited.

But my point of this particular post is, is that I couldn’t get through this without my friends and family. The ones who continue to lift me up a little more each day and remind me I am worthy of someone who loves me back just as I love them.

It wasn’t my last boyfriend and that’s OK. And again, I will be OK too, in time.

For now I will continue to grieve my breakup and focus on me and doing what makes me happy alone. And then one day when I am ready, I will get back in the dating game full-swing. Because whether anyone else believes it or not, I sure do, I will fall in love some day and have my “happily-ever-after.”

So my family and friends, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I truly can’t say it enough for I probably would never want to get out of bed because you know me, I like to be super dramatic and believe things are way worse than they actually are. But I know there are way worse things in the world than a breakup. My breakup wasn’t the first and it won’t be my or anyone’s last.

Remember, just because one person doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean no one else loves you. Hell, even a stranger might love you but you won’t know it until you meet that “perfect” stranger. 🙂

Until next time…

XO,

Ana